D.I.Y Time: How do I make a tissue box ukulele?

Music is expensive nowadays. Albums are overpriced, opera ticket prices have skyrocketed, and stores do not allow you to return instruments after you smash them apart on stage to appease your fan(s.) So how do you appease your die-hard fans, while also saving as much money as humanly possible? By making your own tissue box ukulele that would only be fit for a rock god, of course.

1. Obtaining the materials - Kleenex boxes produce the best sound acoustically, but the designs on the box leave something to be desired for your upcoming rock and roll lifestyle. What I would suggest is possibly finding one made out of gold. You will also need the cardboard tube from a roll of paper towels. People often ask if it depends on what kind of paper towel company put it out, and I have found that Brawny is hands down the best. This is mostly due to the sexiness and devil may care attitude of the Brawny guy that makes him so irresistible. If Brawny is not available, buy the most expensive roll you can find. Also, you need string. Very nice, platinum string.

Did you know... that like becoming a vampire, tissue box mastery involves losing several qualities of your human appearance?

2. Construction - Find some old jewelry. Melt down the metals in it and use that to paste the paper towel tube to the tissue box. Then, string the guitar from the end of the towel tube to the other end of the tissue box. Make sure the string are the proper gauges you need to produce a solid sound.


3. Mastery - The tissue box ukulele is a whimsical instrument that has only been mastered by a few people. One of the trailblazers, Jerry Lewis, started at an early age. His father was one of the first masters of the tissue box ukulele, and Jerry tried to mimic his father's greatness. However, he could not handle it. In one of his very common 3 hour ukulele concerts, he was stricken with muscular dystrophy. Now, he is cared for by his thousands of illegitimate children across the nation. Many scholars say that this is largely due to the lack of a bad-ass looking tissue box. I would agree.


4. Obtain Muscular Dystrophy - It's not that I do not think you are capable of playing the instrument really well, but Muscular Dystrophy is an inevitability thanks to the curse Jerry Lewis has casted on the tissue box musicians. Since his fall, all of the greatest players have fallen ill. Year after year, Mr. Lewis will announce that he will lift this devastating curse if enough money is raised for his illegitimate children. No matter the amount raised, he will never lift the curse. This is widely regarded as a dick move.