Masturbation Situation Part 2 of 2: What if someone walks in on me masturbating?

Another difference between masturbation and baseball that Mr. Jones forgot to mention is the immediate embarrassment felt when seen masturbating, as opposed to being seen while playing baseball (exception: Barry Bonds.) When someone walks in on you while you are spanking it, you start to panic and your adrenaline starts pumping. In any other situation, this would help out significantly when stroking it, but is impolite at this time. Here are the do's and don't's when someone intrudes on you polishing the bowling trophy.

Did you know...that masturbation euphemisms never get old?

Do's

• Close up shop - By quickly and swiftly putting the goods away, you hope the image will not set in for whoever walked in and won't tarnish your relationship forever.
  

• Act surprised - Now, you do not have to act when it comes down to being surprised if someone walks in on you "pumping the supersoaker." Make an excuse and try exclaiming "Oh my GOD! I AM POSSESSED! The devil WILLS that I spank it!" Speak backwards if you can. Chances are they will run away in panic and try to find a nearby priest. Use this time to plan an elaborate excuse to explain your other excuse.

• Make eye contact - I mean, come on. It's mutual embarrassment. You will never talk about it again. Might as well.

DON'T'S

• Finish - Don't act like nothing happened if someone walks in on you. Have common courtesy and stop "flogging the Jesus."
  

• Attempt conversation - You will try to play it off like nothing happened. Not cool. They need time to think and you need time to reflect. What can you even talk about after something like that? "So James, how were the clubs tonight... while I was 'Socking the Pat Boone?'"

• Put away all pictures of their family members - They knew the pictures of their loved ones were being moved slightly, but they just chalked it up to their overactive imagination. Please do not remove all doubt that you are "voting for the green party" to their sister's, cousins, and dead grandmothers.
  

Masturbation Situation Part 1 of 2: What If I walk in on someone masturbating?

Masturbating is an American pastime second only to baseball. Unlike baseball however, tickets are not sold to watch it, there is no national anthem beforehand, and it rarely goes into extra innings. Nonetheless, the two can be difficult to distinguish sometimes.

Did you know... in some neighborhoods R.B.I means shooting your load? This contributes to the confusion.

Dissimilarities aside, you’re probably going to walk into someone whackin’ it at some point in your life. Awkwardness not withstanding, there is only one thing to keep in mind:

Do not make eye contact. If eye contact is made when masturbating, it is programmed into our DNA to enter a highly competitive state. Instinct will take over and you yourself, as the unassuming intruder, will begin masturbating involuntarily. The winner of the confrontation is the one who climaxes first. This ejaculation drag race is one of mankind's dirtiest secrets.

It also helps to not think of this solely in a reactive manner. There are two preemptive measures you can take to stop this kind of tragedy from happening.

• Yell "Everyone stop masturbating!" every time you enter a room.
• Constantly walk around masturbating so you're never caught off guard.