Masturbation Situation Part 1 of 2: What If I walk in on someone masturbating?

Masturbating is an American pastime second only to baseball. Unlike baseball however, tickets are not sold to watch it, there is no national anthem beforehand, and it rarely goes into extra innings. Nonetheless, the two can be difficult to distinguish sometimes.

Did you know... in some neighborhoods R.B.I means shooting your load? This contributes to the confusion.

Dissimilarities aside, you’re probably going to walk into someone whackin’ it at some point in your life. Awkwardness not withstanding, there is only one thing to keep in mind:

Do not make eye contact. If eye contact is made when masturbating, it is programmed into our DNA to enter a highly competitive state. Instinct will take over and you yourself, as the unassuming intruder, will begin masturbating involuntarily. The winner of the confrontation is the one who climaxes first. This ejaculation drag race is one of mankind's dirtiest secrets.

It also helps to not think of this solely in a reactive manner. There are two preemptive measures you can take to stop this kind of tragedy from happening.

• Yell "Everyone stop masturbating!" every time you enter a room.
• Constantly walk around masturbating so you're never caught off guard.