How do I casually eavesdrop on other conversations without being obvious?

Eavesdropping is an activity that humans have practiced long before anything important was ever said. After people realized that they can use this overheard information for spying or amusement, it became hard to resist the urge of listening to strangers gossip about people who you will most likely never meet. While eavesdropping can be fun, obviously participating in such a timeless act without utilizing the proper stealth and espionage involved in eavesdropping can lead to awkwardness, violence, adult situations, drug use and fantasy violence.

Surprisingly, people do not like to be listened to by an outside party. Furthermore, they do not like to be watched from any sort of distance, nor smelled or rubbed up on while riding the bus. Though these things will forever be part of the mystery that is mankind, it is something you should definitely account for. Do not make grand gestures that remove doubt that you are eavesdropping. At the very least, do not use an old-timey ear-horn pointed directly at the table next to you. If you want to passively spy more effectively, here are some quick "eaves" you can "drop" on. (I don't know what that means. Wordplay confuses and scares me.)

1.) Headphones Heads-up - Since we live in a wonderland of technology, headphones are easy to come by. With a pair of these badboys, you do not even need an MP3 player to offer some entertainment. Simply have the cord coming from your pocket or book-bag, and everyone will assume you are jamming to some Pat Boone, and not learning about how the one time they and Jim got drunk and totally hooked up, but it was really odd because Jim is their pet ferret.

(Note: do not use noise cancellation headphones. They are not meant for this.)

2.) Look Occupied - Try to have something around you that you must constantly attend to. If you are at a coffee shop, constantly stir more sugar into your coffee. Look like you are really into that day's crossword puzzle, even if you don't know what 33 letter website is "a modern day Plato's 'The Republic" (we'll give you a hint: it rhymes with ble blurvival bluide blo bleveryblay blife. blom). If you are on the bus, try smelling and rubbing up on people.

3.) Do not become attached - Everyone on the field of eavesdropping is told one truth about living this lifestyle, and that is to never fall in love. If you happen to find yourself completely taken by someone, you cannot follow them, or use information obtained in your eavesdropping as to where they are going to be later (it's like how evidence can't be used in court if it was obtained without a warrant, only with more emphasis on social respectability and not being a creepjob). This helps you not become a stalker and avoid the pitfalls of stalking like thornbushes and locks.

How do I fold a shirt in only 3 seconds?

Shirt folding is no doubt tricky business. You have to account for a variety of variables, such as sleeve size, shirt length, neck hole diameter, number of arm holes, and whether it not is has a witty phrase printed on it. However, there is an quicker and easier way to fold your shirts, no matter the arm hole count!

Step 1: Hold your shirt above the folding surface. Make sure to hold it in the typical Oarsman style, where the bottom of the shirt held higher than both sleeves.

Step 2: While it can be difficult for those who are just starting to fold shirts this fast, what you want to do is snap your wrist so the thicker bottom of the shirt spins around and gets into the significantly smaller neckhole. Once the shirt is in typical fornication style, you can lay it down on the folding surface.

Step 3: Using your index finger, grab onto the right sleeve of the shirt and pull it out.

Step 4: No, my right.

Step 5: With what you have clasped with your left finger, twirl it around the rest of the shirt until your hand gets caught in the fabric so tightly, that you start to lose feeling in that hand.

Step 6: In an act that represents your own rebirth, hold on to the wad of clothing with your other hand as you pull your other other hand out of the shirt.

Step 7: Using the kite finger, start spinning it around as if it was a pizza. Use a fake, near-derogatory Italian accent and say how spicy a figurative meat-a-balla is.

Step 8: With the shirt splayed out in all directions due to your pizza-spinning G-force, tie the sleeves together in a typical barmaids knot.

Step 9: In sync to track 3 of the "The Survival Guide to Everyday Life Presents The Smooth Easy-Listening Styles of Survival" CD, gently roll up the shirt and pantomime playing it as if it was a flute.

Step 10: After the fourth guitar solo, unroll the shirt and fold it into a triangle.

Step 11: Fold the triangle over itself in typical Corey Feldman style, and staple two of the three sides it so it cannot become undone.

Step 12: Put your head in the one side that is not stapled.

All you have to do is practice these steps, and you'll do to shirt folding what Pat Boone did to breakdancing in no time!

How do I plagiarize effectively?

"According to the Virtual Writing Center, 'According to Webster's New World Dictionary, to plagiarize is to 'take the ideas, writings, etc. from another and pass them off as one's own.' When you do this, you are committing a form of academic dishonesty. In actuality, plagiarism is a type of stealing. The person whose ideas or sentences you are passing off as your own has worked hard to write down his or her ideas. If you just copy another's work, you are not really working at all, you are not learning anything, you are not processing the information in any way. In fact, you are just copying.'

This brings up a valuable point. How can one plagiarize well enough to where it is not actually plagiarism?

Did you know... that Plagiarism means "Hot Pocket" in Latin? And that Hot Pocket means "The Homestead Act" in Mandarin?

The virtual writing center goes on to say that 'You can do this by summarizing or paraphrasing the material.' I call bullshit on this. If you are that afraid of getting caught that you rewrite something in your own words, then you are not a true student. Depending on how long the paper you are writing is suppose to be, either take away words or choose bigger words in order to stretch out sentences. For example take this phrase I wrote in the 1930's (You can tell it is quote because of the indents):

I fantasize that my offspring will some day inhabit a country where they are not judged by their skin color but by how they act.

Let's say someone wanted to use it, but make it their own so they would not be caught with plagiarism, but also, they are kinda lazy. They can add, subtract, or use bigger words as we see here:

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

As you can see, you can slightly change what I said years and years ago, and mangle it into the "I have a dream" speech that I got no credit for writing. Plagiarism is a major tool in this way, for it helps you stand on the shoulders of giants. Giants that were too before their time and too white to make a difference.

Also, just put quotation marks around everything, just in case. This works 90% of the time, unless your paper is steeped in innuendos and wordplay like the following example:

According to the Christian Science Monitor, "a local man was murdered from the sexual assault by a pack of feral dogs that were roving the forest" and it looks like he doesn't like it "ruff."

What the hell does this statement even mean? Why does the author cite that the CSM said the word "ruff" outside of the main quote? This is because the author thinks that he is being clever and quoted ""ruff"" to wink at his adoring audience. Not only is it not funny to put quotes around things that can be construed as innuendo, but it messes with the citation and the reader. Keep this in mind when dealing with pack of feral dogs on man sexual assault." (Boone, 1963)

How can I sleep on the ground comfortably?

I should take the time right now to tell you that sleeping on the ground and comfort are mutually exclusive. Let it be carpet or tile or rug or coal, you will never have a sense of refreshment when waking up on the floor. In fact, scientists have found that sleeping on the floor takes away 8 hours of your life away each time you sleep there. Today, we'll be exposing some common techniques that can lessen the amount of hours robbed from your life.

The Arm Drag - Only 7 hours from life expectancy - Position yourself where you arm is acting as a pillow. The science is that, by making your arm go to sleep, you can make the rest of your body go to sleep easier. Also, it feels really cool when you wake up.

The Lazy Rock - Only 4 hours from life expectancy - Assign a security object to help you through the night. This is like having a comfort animal that people use to stop them from losing their shit mentally. In my experience, the shinier the object is, the better. This is why I suggest an opened butterfly knife.

Anchors Away! - Only 6 hours from life expectancy - Before you go to the floor, start smoking. If at all possible, leave the cigarette in your mouth while you sleep. If you do not believe that one cigarette will last all eight hours of sleep, light as many as you need and leave them in your mouth.

Did you know... that this man can sleep in any condition thrown at him?

The Crazier Leggier - Instant death - Before going to bed, look into a mirror and say "Pat Boone" three times fast. Though this is the opposite of lengthening your life expectancy, I just wanted to throw it out there to make sure you didn't do it out of curiosity or due to a dare.

Fleshbag Switcheroo - Only 3 hours from life expectancy. This is the mind over matter approach to sleeping on the floor. Using the same mechanics as a sensory deprivation chamber, put something over your head so it feels like you are sleeping anywhere else but on the floor. I suggest a small plastic bag.

Masturbation Situation Part 2 of 2: What if someone walks in on me masturbating?

Another difference between masturbation and baseball that Mr. Jones forgot to mention is the immediate embarrassment felt when seen masturbating, as opposed to being seen while playing baseball (exception: Barry Bonds.) When someone walks in on you while you are spanking it, you start to panic and your adrenaline starts pumping. In any other situation, this would help out significantly when stroking it, but is impolite at this time. Here are the do's and don't's when someone intrudes on you polishing the bowling trophy.

Did you know...that masturbation euphemisms never get old?

Do's

• Close up shop - By quickly and swiftly putting the goods away, you hope the image will not set in for whoever walked in and won't tarnish your relationship forever.
  

• Act surprised - Now, you do not have to act when it comes down to being surprised if someone walks in on you "pumping the supersoaker." Make an excuse and try exclaiming "Oh my GOD! I AM POSSESSED! The devil WILLS that I spank it!" Speak backwards if you can. Chances are they will run away in panic and try to find a nearby priest. Use this time to plan an elaborate excuse to explain your other excuse.

• Make eye contact - I mean, come on. It's mutual embarrassment. You will never talk about it again. Might as well.

DON'T'S

• Finish - Don't act like nothing happened if someone walks in on you. Have common courtesy and stop "flogging the Jesus."
  

• Attempt conversation - You will try to play it off like nothing happened. Not cool. They need time to think and you need time to reflect. What can you even talk about after something like that? "So James, how were the clubs tonight... while I was 'Socking the Pat Boone?'"

• Put away all pictures of their family members - They knew the pictures of their loved ones were being moved slightly, but they just chalked it up to their overactive imagination. Please do not remove all doubt that you are "voting for the green party" to their sister's, cousins, and dead grandmothers.
  

How do I recognize omens?

Omens, like birds, can be hard to spot unless you have the proper guide (which you are reading,) and binoculars (which you actually don't need but would not hurt regardless.) Though such a guide to recognizing your omens might seem useless, having the powers of that of an amateur soothsayer is nothing to scoff at. There are just some simple questions you need to ask yourself whenever you encounter an object that might be an omen.

• "Does this object give off any vibes?"

A recent event has shed more light on this question. A family brought home a Tiki statue from a foreign land and was found fatally murdered to death the next morning. Since foreigners are known to be weird, shady, and usually give off bad vibes, these American tourists should have just went with their gut instincts and stayed in America. Bad vibes are more readily picked up by humans than good vibes, mainly because bad vibes smell like mashed potatoes. Delicious mashed potatoes.

• "Is there a single, reoccurring detail that takes place before everything goes to hell?"

This question tries to find the route of the problem: The omen itself. What's the last thing you saw before you slipped on the floor in the Piggly Wiggly? Tropicana orange juice? Try to notice a pattern of Tropicana products whenever something bad happens. Was a streetlight you drove by light up moments before you crashed your car in the middle of the day? See if more bad things happen when the lights are on. Did you just read that there was a sale on carpi pants at the Old Navy mere seconds before your ship capsized in the mid-Atlantic? Maybe you don't need back to school clothes. All angles must be exercised.

• "Have I done anything recently that is an affront to God and/or Satan?"

Usually, Omens are placed here by the supernatural in order to hint that bad things are coming to you. Once one of the higher powers sends out an omen, it acts as a flare gun and makes sure you know what you got coming to you. Now you must look within yourself and ask what you did recently to deserve this. Have you said the Lord's name in vain? Have you desecrated the cross? Did you tape over last week's Grey's before he got to watch it? Also, think about what deals you have bargained with the devil on. Have you sold your soul and tried to take it back? Did you kill his son accidentally? Did you tape over last week's Grey's? All of these questions must be addressed.

The following are documented omens, both good and bad, and what they mean.

Good Omen: A bunny rabbit frolicking in the yard - Your labors will be fruitful this week

Bad Omen: A lamb's skull set upon two lit torches that seems to constantly drip blood - The next roll of change the bank gives you will be short by two coins and NO ONE WILL BELIEVE YOU!

Good Omen: Billy Joel playing on the radio - You will find great comfort in the next celebrity death

Bad Omen: A man at a foggy crossroads in the middle of the night who bears a toothless grin, the smell of brimstone, tail, and a hook for a hand - You will be IMPOTENT TEMPORARILY!

Good Omen: You see a shooting star - The cashier at the liquor store will give you accidentally give you more change.

Bad Omen: Pat Boone - INSTANT DEATH!

Good Omen: Good Burger is playing on TBS - You will win the lottery

Bad Omen: Good Burger is playing on USA - You will win the lottery, but it's the one from Shirley Jackson's The Lottery SO IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK AT ALL!

Review Question - In what circumstances should you not watch Good Burger?

Wildlife Guide to the Great Lakes

The Great Lakes of the Midwest are not only the largest fresh water ecosystem in the world, but also a breathtaking sight to behold. There is no wonder why so many wildlife enthusiasts flock to the Midwest to witness the Lakes first hand. However, much like a stripper that is also a Venus flytrap, this beauty can also be potentially dangerous.

Many an optimistic adventurer has embarked to have their lives enlightened by the simple joy of nature only to lose their wits at a scene not unlike the following:

After a sight like the above, you’re spelling Lake Huron M-U-R-D-E-R.

But fear not! I have taken the liberty of cataloging wildlife indigenous to the Great Lakes region with special regard to what threat they pose to you, the wildlife enthusiast.

Monkey Eating Eagle
Arguably one of nature’s most stubborn animals, the Monkey Eating Eagle’s prey of choice is primates of varying shapes and sizes but more often than not it has to settle for squirrels. Researchers continue to be baffled as to why this bird continues to inhabit a monkey free ecosystem. Once a year, masses of these birds migrate from city zoo to city zoo devouring monkeys and especially hairy babies.
Threat Level: Low

Cobra Spitting Cobra A long distant cousin of the African venom spitting cobra, the cobra spitting cobra is armed with the ability to spit out more cobras when endangered, in addition to its already venomous bite. The freshly spat cobras will then attack the foe, do nothing, or spit more cobras. Once in a while a female will spit up a male cobra and mate with it and lay a clutch of super retarded inbred eggs. Threat Level: High


Peddler Octopus

The peddler octopus will try to trade you something you truly desire for something you truly need. Only the pure of heart will realize these objects are one in the same.

Threat Level: Low



Feral Pat Boone

Pat Boone is the Native American harbinger of death and destruction. If you come across one, get back to civilization as soon as possible. Running away doesn’t help because although the average human is faster, Pat Boone can track your scent indefinitely.

Threat Level: Extremely High



Prehistoric Beaver
The animal that inspired a porn ring focused on the elderly is actually not laughing matter. Its giant teeth can tear bone and flesh asunder, but fortunately it only attacks trees. Unfortunately, prehistoric beavers have allied themselves with bog witches that will cast a hex on a passerby that will turn a human into a redwood.

Threat Level: Medium

What if I run into Pat Boone, but do not know anything of his body of work?

You're just going about your usual trip on the bike trails, when you see a shadowy figure in front of you. You slow down to have more time to prepare yourself for the uncertainty that lies ahead. The fog is starting to lift, revealing that it is humanoid, but you come to a complete stop to watch its behavior. He emerges from the mist, and wouldn't you know it? It's no one other than musician and actor Pat Boone!

Do not move. You might still be able to get away if you are a good runner. The fog still surrounds you, and your directions are North, South, and Southeast. What do you do?

1. Make Yourself Appear Bigger - This is a simple idea that can go a long way if you find yourself cornered by Pat Boone. If you are wearing a jacket or button down shirt, undo it slowly and flash Pat Boone. This makes your appearance and span seem much larger than what Pat Boone assumed, and hopefully, he will run away with his tail between his legs.

2. Bluff - This is ill-advised, but if you are confident in your own abilities, you can do it. Just try pretending to know what you are talking about. Mention how big of a fan you are, and you can mention a myriad of things like him living next to Ozzy Osbourne, being a born-again Christian, or even the album "Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport" if you feel gutsy enough. Be warned, however. Pat Boone has fallen for this thing before, and if he catches wise to your game, he will not hesitate in making you eat your own still-beating heart. He is fast, unpredictable, and balls-out merciless.

3. Throw Down - If you are out biking in the woods in such foggy conditions, you should have known that there would be a great chance that you run into a feral Pat Boone. Mace and Pepperspray are useless against him, and so are many conventional weapons. Firearms only seem to anger him, and tasers only seem to turn him on. Your best course of action is a jumping sidekick to his right side, in the pentagram branded directly above the kidney. When he was dipped into the bath of immortality by Muddy Waters, the branding iron burned off all of the mystical powers in that area. By aiming for the emblem that is forever burned in his flesh, you can make sure to make short work out of Pat Boone.

Yes, he's a classic singer and a footnote in rock and roll history, but that does not mean you can just approach him willy nilly without any precaution. Pat Boone maulings have skyrocketed 57% this year, leaving the whole world nervous and clutching there lead pipes and crowbars before they go outside, not that they'd do any help since he eats metal. But by keeping these tips in mind, you can make you to escape the clutches of Pat Boone... barely.