How do I solicit sex in a gas station?

The holiday season is approaching and, as we all know, gas station bathroom sex becomes more imperative to you operating as a human being. Actually initiating these bathroom rendezvouses is a different story. Here are some tricks of the trade that I have picked up from the last 30 years of anonymous, but sweet bathroom sex.

(Note: I know this might be surprising for some readers, but this is not me coming out of the closet. Bathroom sex and homosexuality can be mutually exclusive interests. This isn't gay or anything, this is just men admiring each others strength.)

1. Find a reliable gas station

Reliability in gas stations and gas station bathrooms are not directly correlated. The nicer the gas station, the less likely you will find people who are willing to sully it. In my personal experience, the best folk you can find will be in Phillips 66 gas station bathrooms. I swear by this and have sent in letters and made phone calls to see if they would be interested in using me for an advertising campaign. However, we could not reach an agreement. Not only because it was not an image they were looking for, but the slogan I proposed was "Get away from your nagging, lifeless failures for 15 magical (or at least interesting) minutes." In hindsight I see that this was not a good slogan. I'll break this down later for "How do I make a marketable slogan to promote anonymous sex?"

2. The writing on the walls

The bathroom wall was a more intimate precursor to the internet. It functioned as both the best parts of Craigslist and the worst parts of 4chan combined through an unholy union of Sharpie and metal. Go from stall to stall and examine the last posts. Wade through the filler like "first!" and "Want to be a hero in bed?" to find actual times and dates. Just like the internet, be wary of the ads you choose to answer, because a RickRoll is highly possible. You have to plan around the posters schedule, something that is a lot easier to do once you realize your family is dead weight and life is much better just roaming bathroom to bathroom while the snow falls and the nights grow colder and longer.

3. ...Or just do your own thing
If you feel daring, you can always go for the series of toe-taps, tongue clicks and bird calls to find any potential people around you. You can also say code phrases. I personally say "so then the guy says rectangle?" I know I found a possible person if I hear the response "Damn near killtangle." Not only does this find possible mates, but matches on a much more personal level. Of course, that doesn't matter, because you are never gonna see them again, but it's the thought that makes the whole process go much smoother, and smoothness is going to be in need.

4... Or just go on the real internet
Mybathroombuddies.com . It's a great resource of local directories, profiles, interests, and what possibly friends are looking for in random truck stop hook-ups. You can also tell tales of woe on how your life use to be before you started pursuing random truck stop hook-ups. These are usually tear jerkers, but always inspirational.

So there you go. No extravagant stories on my past experience of gas station sex, but I think I get the point across that anyone can partake. Especially at the Phillips 66 on 156 and Kinkade Street. At three, six, nine, and twelve. Everyday. Not gay.

Episode Guide to Season 1 of Three's Company

Episode 1: A Man About the House
Janet Wood and Chrissy Snow find themselves in need of a third tenate to share the rent. Instead of taking an ad out in the paper, due to Chrissy’s irrational fear of the printed word, they construct a golem out of flesh and blood, and by using Janet’s coveted family heirloom, the blood ruby, they bring the flesh construct to life. They call the golem “Jack Tripper.” Mr. Roper, the landlord, is hesitant to allow two females and a male to occupy the same house, so the girls tell Roper Jack is gay. To prove this, Jack rapes Mr. Roper.

Jack getting used to his new body before launching an offensive on a unassuming Mr. Roper

Episode 2: War On The Home Front
Janet and Chrissy get into a huge argument about the best way to cauterize a wound. In a typical sitcom fashion, they divide the house in two by drawing a line down the middle with chalk. However, they can’t decide who gets to keep Jack. Due to his artificial nature, the girls split him in half vertically. The two girls use each of their Tripper halves to enact petty revenge on one another until they finally make amends. Mr. Roper comes to investigate a noise complaint and the two halves of Jack Tripper gang bang him.

Episode 3: Growing Pains
Janet is out at an interview for a desk job for a big office downtown. Meanwhile back at home, Chrissy becomes curious of what exactly Jack is capable of, so she puts him behind the wheel of her car. In an explosion of sheer coincidence, Jack drives into the very same building Janet is being interviewed at, killing her would-be boss. Further investigation reveals that the recently deceased CEO was heavily involved in a child pornography ring. Jack is rewarded a key to the city, and Janet is put in charge of the big account.

Episode 4: Let Them Eat Cake
Janet and Chrissy invite the Meltzers, their new neighbors, over for lunch. The Meltzers prove to be good company, albeit a bit snobbish at times. Jack, realizing his failure to violate Mr. Roper in S1E03, rapes him twice.

Seven Habits for Highly Successful Track Runners

1. Know your sport. In Europe, running is called “football.” Like with anything, knowing the ins and outs of your passions really lets you step your game up to the next level.

2. When coming in for the home stretch, hold you breath. You’ll have the opportunity to breathe after the race is over. You can’t afford to waste precious time and energy breathing in this sport of kings. Additionally, this method builds a lot of self-discipline by conditioning yourself with an action and reward mentality. In short, when you win a race, you can reward yourself with delicious, life giving air.

3. Do not stretch beforehand. Cold muscles travel at higher speeds than warm ones. Cold things in general travel faster than hot things. Comets are giant masses of ice that move through space at breakneck speeds and are much faster than anything hot. Take lava for example. In fact, molten lava has been known to practically crawl down hillsides at speeds that allowed people to escape the torrents of molten fury. Pretty slow, right? If anyone questions why you don’t warm up, enlighten him or her with this factoid. If you’re lucky, you’ll earn a nickname like “The Comet.”

4. Get people to call you “The Comet.”

5. Most runners are not tapping their full potential and are actually using less than 50 percent of their bodies. Endurance runners may find their legs tired during a race. Do not hesitate to run on your hands. Millions of years of evolution as per the instruction of a higher, all knowing power have left us with flexible spine and arms that can support our weight at high velocities for a reason.

6. Don’t be gay.

7. Remember, when passing a baton in a relay, you’re basically saying, “I quit. Finish for me.” That’s a poor attitude. Do not stop even in the face of verbal abuse from your teammates. If they want the baton that bad, they’ll catch you and take it from you.