How do I solicit sex in a gas station?

The holiday season is approaching and, as we all know, gas station bathroom sex becomes more imperative to you operating as a human being. Actually initiating these bathroom rendezvouses is a different story. Here are some tricks of the trade that I have picked up from the last 30 years of anonymous, but sweet bathroom sex.

(Note: I know this might be surprising for some readers, but this is not me coming out of the closet. Bathroom sex and homosexuality can be mutually exclusive interests. This isn't gay or anything, this is just men admiring each others strength.)

1. Find a reliable gas station

Reliability in gas stations and gas station bathrooms are not directly correlated. The nicer the gas station, the less likely you will find people who are willing to sully it. In my personal experience, the best folk you can find will be in Phillips 66 gas station bathrooms. I swear by this and have sent in letters and made phone calls to see if they would be interested in using me for an advertising campaign. However, we could not reach an agreement. Not only because it was not an image they were looking for, but the slogan I proposed was "Get away from your nagging, lifeless failures for 15 magical (or at least interesting) minutes." In hindsight I see that this was not a good slogan. I'll break this down later for "How do I make a marketable slogan to promote anonymous sex?"

2. The writing on the walls

The bathroom wall was a more intimate precursor to the internet. It functioned as both the best parts of Craigslist and the worst parts of 4chan combined through an unholy union of Sharpie and metal. Go from stall to stall and examine the last posts. Wade through the filler like "first!" and "Want to be a hero in bed?" to find actual times and dates. Just like the internet, be wary of the ads you choose to answer, because a RickRoll is highly possible. You have to plan around the posters schedule, something that is a lot easier to do once you realize your family is dead weight and life is much better just roaming bathroom to bathroom while the snow falls and the nights grow colder and longer.

3. ...Or just do your own thing
If you feel daring, you can always go for the series of toe-taps, tongue clicks and bird calls to find any potential people around you. You can also say code phrases. I personally say "so then the guy says rectangle?" I know I found a possible person if I hear the response "Damn near killtangle." Not only does this find possible mates, but matches on a much more personal level. Of course, that doesn't matter, because you are never gonna see them again, but it's the thought that makes the whole process go much smoother, and smoothness is going to be in need.

4... Or just go on the real internet
Mybathroombuddies.com . It's a great resource of local directories, profiles, interests, and what possibly friends are looking for in random truck stop hook-ups. You can also tell tales of woe on how your life use to be before you started pursuing random truck stop hook-ups. These are usually tear jerkers, but always inspirational.

So there you go. No extravagant stories on my past experience of gas station sex, but I think I get the point across that anyone can partake. Especially at the Phillips 66 on 156 and Kinkade Street. At three, six, nine, and twelve. Everyday. Not gay.