Old Wive's Tales: Bullshit or Bulltruth?

As the vice president of the regional chapter of my quilting bee, I deal with old wives's tales on a regular basis. Henceforth, I feel it is my duty to separate the truth from the lies.

The tale: If a robin flies through an open window, a death will shortly follow

The verdict: Not true.
Robins are peaceful creatures and rarely harm humans. The exception to this rule would be if you built some sort of berserker, sentient killing machine that was activated every time a robin flew through an open window. At that point though, you’re asking for trouble.

The tale: A woman cannot conceive if she stands up after sex.

The verdict: True.
The ability to stand renders all forms of birth control obsolete. However, if the woman is unable to stand due to a physical handicap you should invest in contraceptives while actively searching for a new partner with working legs.

Pictured above, we see the universal symbol for "wrap your shit."

The tale: Giving up your seat on a bus to a whiter person will bestow a great fortune upon yourself.

The verdict: This is both true and common knowledge; this gesture is one of mankind’s oldest good luck charms. People that do not adhere to this particular old wives’ tale take pride in stripping others of their good luck. These people often refer to themselves as the “Good Fortune Jihad.”

Here we see a high ranking officer in the Good Fortune Jihad, satisfied after denying someone good luck.

The tale: Sneezing on a Tuesday means you will kiss a stranger.

The verdict: Not true. In order to test this tale, my associate Leon Firestone stood in a red-light district under the influence of sneezing powder between the hours of 6 pm and 6 am while I observed from a distance. No stranger made any attempts to kiss him, although a man in a silk suit and a large hat was kind enough to point him in the direction of the nearest free clinic. However our field research allowed us to come up with a new, more accurate wives’ tale on the subject of sneezing on a Tuesday.

The tale: Sneezing on a Tuesday will make a pimp give you an address for a free clinic.

The verdict: True. Inspired by our findings, we set out to find the meanings of sneezes on other days of the week. Employing sneezing powder once again, Leon Firestone and I have come to the following conclusions:

• Monday means someone at the bank will tell you to get a tissue.

• Wednesday means you will cause a SARS scare.

• Thursday means your nasal passages will begin to bleed from constant sneezing.

• Friday means a loved one will become concerned about your addiction to sneezing powder.

• Saturday means you are no longer allowed around your niece.

• Sunday means a robin will fly through a window, causing your berserk, sentient killing machine to go on a rampage.

Things to see in Delaware

Welcome to the most comprehensive and up-to-date travel guide of Delaware! So up to date, however, that it is important to realize that most modern documents still list Delaware as a state and have not acknowledged that America's own "Blue Hen State" is now a sentient body of land that craves companionship and understanding. If you still choose to visit Delaware, here are a few attractions you'll want to be sure to check out on the world's first self-aware landmass.

• Rehoboth beach - This scenic beach is one of the mainstays of Delaware tourism. Of course, it only appears depending on which way Delaware is moving. Delaware, being an East-coast state, must travel in any direction but East for the beach to appear. When traveling East, water rushes onto the beach, covering the sand and destroying most of the beach front property. Even when it's not traveling East, the beach is pretty subpar anyhow.
  

• Delaware Memorial Bridge Ruins - Did you know Delaware is the home of the world's largest dual suspension bridges? Well, it use to be. Until Delaware started moving, shifting the tectonic plates of the Earth, causing the suspension bridges to shake and weave around each other like a concrete double helix. Luckily, the wreckage still looks pretty cool, and no one has made an effort to clean up the cars and bodies. You can poke at them with sticks if you wanted.
  

Fun Fact! Even though it was the largest dual suspension bridge built, they were only the top 39th and 40th suspension bridges in the world individually. So even at their best, Delaware was worse than most.

• Obleisk of Ancients - Covered in ancient runes, this monolith is positioned in the center of Dover and has been emitting low humming sound since the state began thinking. It is often theorized as the center of Delaware's actions, but science has done little to prove this point. It's cool to look at, but you really can't make a day out of it, much less a weekend or family getaway.
  

• Celebrities! - Be sure to pick up a star map before you leave the airport, because Delaware is known as the home for the most renown actors, actresses, and musicians! Of course, most of them jumped state after Delaware started pondering the deeper meaning of being a landmass. That still doesn't mean you can't ransack the abandoned houses of Ryan Phillippe (Breach) and Elisabeth Shue (The Karate Kid.) The only celebrity to really watch out for is Judge Reinhold, who has taken it upon himself to tame the wild Delaware.

Fun Fact! Did you know that Bob Marley stayed in Delaware
briefly and worked at a General Motors plant? Delaware killed
him inside and it was only a matter of time till his medical
marijuana could no longer help the pain.

It's important that you have fun in Delaware. If you openly report your less-than-satisfactory time on the self-seceded state, Delaware will feel alienated and worthless. Make sure you shield Delaware from your opinions if they are hurtful. He needs encouragement now more than ever. However, it won't be hard to have fun if you just follow the guide!