Old Wive's Tales: Bullshit or Bulltruth?

As the vice president of the regional chapter of my quilting bee, I deal with old wives's tales on a regular basis. Henceforth, I feel it is my duty to separate the truth from the lies.

The tale: If a robin flies through an open window, a death will shortly follow

The verdict: Not true.
Robins are peaceful creatures and rarely harm humans. The exception to this rule would be if you built some sort of berserker, sentient killing machine that was activated every time a robin flew through an open window. At that point though, you’re asking for trouble.

The tale: A woman cannot conceive if she stands up after sex.

The verdict: True.
The ability to stand renders all forms of birth control obsolete. However, if the woman is unable to stand due to a physical handicap you should invest in contraceptives while actively searching for a new partner with working legs.

Pictured above, we see the universal symbol for "wrap your shit."

The tale: Giving up your seat on a bus to a whiter person will bestow a great fortune upon yourself.

The verdict: This is both true and common knowledge; this gesture is one of mankind’s oldest good luck charms. People that do not adhere to this particular old wives’ tale take pride in stripping others of their good luck. These people often refer to themselves as the “Good Fortune Jihad.”

Here we see a high ranking officer in the Good Fortune Jihad, satisfied after denying someone good luck.

The tale: Sneezing on a Tuesday means you will kiss a stranger.

The verdict: Not true. In order to test this tale, my associate Leon Firestone stood in a red-light district under the influence of sneezing powder between the hours of 6 pm and 6 am while I observed from a distance. No stranger made any attempts to kiss him, although a man in a silk suit and a large hat was kind enough to point him in the direction of the nearest free clinic. However our field research allowed us to come up with a new, more accurate wives’ tale on the subject of sneezing on a Tuesday.

The tale: Sneezing on a Tuesday will make a pimp give you an address for a free clinic.

The verdict: True. Inspired by our findings, we set out to find the meanings of sneezes on other days of the week. Employing sneezing powder once again, Leon Firestone and I have come to the following conclusions:

• Monday means someone at the bank will tell you to get a tissue.

• Wednesday means you will cause a SARS scare.

• Thursday means your nasal passages will begin to bleed from constant sneezing.

• Friday means a loved one will become concerned about your addiction to sneezing powder.

• Saturday means you are no longer allowed around your niece.

• Sunday means a robin will fly through a window, causing your berserk, sentient killing machine to go on a rampage.