Famous Killing Machines: Henry David Thoreau

The Killdozer was a giant piece of drivable metal that was created by a man who was fed up with society around him (aka, Granby, Colorado). While we have to refer to the physical manifestation of the vehicle in past tense, the idea and spirit of the Killdozer has been alive since the dawning of man. Ever since there has been a society, there has been a man who has had enough of it and tried to make a killing machine as a last stand. I feel that the healthiest way to educate people about these anti-social cutouts is to describe them in the most glorious way possible. That way, the young kids who read this entry will develop a sense of irony or kill us all.

Henry David Thoreau and his "Civil Disembowelment"

Over(KILL)view
Thoreau is known as a transcendentalist, a famous writer, and for taking his last stand in a giant wooden cart filled with gunpowder and rage. After writing Walden and Civil Disobedience, he saw that the return to nature he wanted the American public to take would never happen, and that the taxes he told them not to pay were paid in full. This made Henry David Thoreau angry. He started to write another essay, which remained unfinished. Here is an excerpt:

On All of You Guys Being Douchebags

Seriously? I'm trying to put myself out there and get everyone to not support a government that supports war, and you're just gonna keep paying taxes? Great. I'm glad I stayed up all fucking night writing that. In fact, I'm so happy I spent all that time on Walden pond, since none of you cockasses are going to take this seriously. Do you have any idea all the shit I had to go through up there? I had no outside contact except to go to my mother's every other Sunday. My only human contact was MY MOTHER. Can you even fucking imagine doing that? No, you can't, because you never had the stones to live in a fucking cabin, on a pond, in a forest, away from society, to show everyone how amazing nature is. And it is. But you wouldn't know, because you are all a big ol' dicks.

MURDER and taxes
It was soon after this he started creating his killing machine. It was his goal to make people aware of his writings by killing them. In their death, he made sure that they did not pay their taxes ever again. This was to stick it to the man, and also set an example for their family and friends. The message of "Henry David Thoreau is gonna fuck you up."

Being a transcendentalist by nature (GET IT?), The killing machine was naturally (GET IT?) made of wood. It was bulky, bipedal, and had many layers of wood to protect Thoreau from various musketballs. The machine was outfitted with two giant saws on both of it's arms, and a pair of scissors on its head. There was also some slits in the torso of the machine, as it was Thoreau's plan to set fireworks off from this part as a last resort.

Like this, but only if he were to bear children with Wood Man.

THOREAU-LY dead
His master plan did not work out so well. He imagined that, because of the war in Mexico, the law-enforcement of his town would be lacking. However, because everyone did not read his essays and continued to pay their taxes, the law-enforcement was even more plentiful. This means by the fourth house that he had broken into, there was already 5 officers following him, and continuously hitting him with batons. The killing machine was cumbersome, and when he tried to swing his saw-arms at the police, they would just step out of the way, knowing that it would take another 5 minutes for Throeau to build up the strength to swing again. Annoyed, Thoreau tried to lit off his fireworks and shoot them out of his torso, but this proved fatal for Thoreau, as his clothes were made entirely of gunpowder.

John Wayne LEGACY
Emerson tried to do a similar thing, but the "Self-Killiance" never really took his town by storm. As such, he injected himself with pneumonia and died. The clothing explosion of Thoreau cost the lives of four police officers. In commemoration of this and to make sure that nothing like this happened again, the nation started destroying nature.

Field Research: Dropping Acid and Going To An NHL Game

The following is a transcript from a tape recorder. In a realization that if someone asked him if he knew if going to a professional hockey game on acid is really scary he would not be able to supply a sufficient answer, Mr. Jones attended a Black Hawk’s game in the proper state to answer the such a question.

The tape recorder that this transcript is derived from was found in a tube stock about half a block away from the office of The Guide. It is as follows:

How much is too much? Worse yet, how much is too little. What’s the point of doing this if I don’t take enough. What if I take too much acid and it lodges in my brain and I forget stuff? Shit. Shit. Shit. I can’t forget how to swim, my friends would be so disappointed. Swimming is what birds do in the sky, but for fish. [Tape recorder drops] Gravity shouldn’t still work if the ice is bleeding. Stop bleeding ice. GODDAMIT SOMEONE HELP THE ICE. People are staring but they are not helping the ice. HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU STAND IDLEY BY WHEN THE ICE IS BLEEDING?! [Children’s voice being hushed by parent] Yes! At least you guys understand. You go get help and I’ll make sure the bleeding doesn’t get worse. Worse. Worse. Worse. Worse. Worse. Horse. I can get home and avoid traffic if I ride bareback to back to the office. I don’t know how to ride bareback. I need a bareback, though. Names are names for a reason. Shirt off. [People laughing] Oh God. They’re laughing because they don’t think I know how to ride bareback. I have to commit. Act like a professional. Pants off. [People screaming] Sound is a playground and screams are the bullies! Can’t let bullies catch me! [Pounding footsteps] [Panting] Screams are fast. They’re following me. Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck. Parkinglotisbleedingtoo. [Panting] Gotta stop the bleeding. Apply pressure. [Police sirens] Nononono. Man in blue wants me to stand up. Can’t stand up because I can’t release pressure. Man in blue is not a man of math. He doesn’t understand the transitive property. If it bleeds, I bleed. Then if I bleed, he bleeds too. [Cop yelling] LET GO! I’M SAVING ALL OF US!

How do I cut away from in-jokes?

In-jokes in everyday conversation are a bane to strangers and potential booty calls. The conversation becomes an archaic labyrinth of mystery and disinterest, as you make callbacks to that one thing your friend said when your guys went to see the midnight showing of Space Chimps dead drunk.

This is no way to net poon.

Instead, here is some anecdotal advice about how you can shy away from terrible stories of your stupidity.

Don't Digress
Always stay on subject. Never take your -mouth-eyes off the vocal-prize. I learned this lesson from one time when Mr. Jones and I were clubbing, as we usually do. It was a foam party and we both noticed this girl and fancied her equally. He starts talking and stuff so I tried to stop him by saying "Rocklicked" really loud. We both laughed really loudly, because that relates back to an earlier story where we went to WWE RAW. Mr. Jones really wanted to see Ric Flair, and while we were there, this security guard came up to us and asked us what we were doing, and Mr. Jones was all like "Hey mister, what's the mustard?" and I could only hope to contain my laughter, because that was just like the time we were at this opium den.

Reevaluate your personal stories
Some of those tales you weave in order to better your appearance are not as effective as you think. In fact, a study done by the University of Thug claims that "your stupid ass stories ain't no shit." (Curtis, 2007) From this point we can see that you should trim the fat and only use the best "Pories." Sorry, personal stories. Pories came into being when we happened across a homeless man who was eating the remainder of a police horse. Both the hobo and the horse reeked of blood and nightmares, but we told him, in unison, to "wrap it up" which goes back to when we were both generals in the Vietnam War, but for entirely different reasons. Well, both of them do relate to blood and nightmares in a way. I guess.


Have possible topics in mind
Read a newspaper or find some random fact sites on the internet so you can have an axillary conversation in the "wings." Sorry, that one was for Mr. Jones. He loves "that show." Sorry, that one was for me, because I loved That 80's Show. It was such a good series, it's a shame it never got the attention it deserved. Did you ever watch it? It's like what my persona hero John Grisham once said: "sometimes the best puppies are the ones who have to get shot first." I think he said it. It might have been my dad.

How do chairmen of the FCC get appointed?

The FCC (Federal Communications Commission) is the government agency that regulates the airwaves. It is there work, and only their work, that keeps 9 year-olds across the country safe from the horrors of side boob.

The FCC regulates other things as well, including language, but mostly side boob. This is a good thing because side boob is a lot like front boob, only way more terrifying and confusing. Just like how it’s really weird when you don’t recognize a friend from a weird angle, side boob can cause confusion in children and make them believe that side boob is a beast all it’s own, instead of just boob from a different vantage point.

Although extensive literature exists on side boob, the real issue is how does one get in the position to regulate side boob on the public airwaves? The answer is a closely guarded secret that pits a potential FCC chairman on a trial he will no doubt find difficult while at the same time enlightening. The trial comes in three steps, culminating in an FCC initiation ceremony.

Step 1: The Ungoodening
An individual seeking the coveted position must simply borrow a loved one’s favorite VHS (without them knowing, discreetness is crucial) and redub all the swear words into retarded nonsense that effectively ruin the feel of the movie. Bonus points are received if the altering of swears actually changes the plot in a significant way. Bonus points can be redeemed for a personal censorship keychain, which is actually just a Taboo buzzer taped to a keychain.

Step 2: The Unudening
An individual take a porn VHS (it must be a VHS, this is crucial) and using nothing more than a VHS and another blank tape cut it in such a way that it looks just like a poorly acted movie where a busty woman gets her TV fixed, pipes fitted, pizza delivered, pool cleaned, stabled shoveled, or house demolished.

Step 3: The Unwalleting
You must find a man in a flannel jacket (it must be flannel, this is crucial) and fine him everytime he does something you don’t particularly like. Word of warning: as someone not yet initiated as an FCC chairman you have no authority to demand he pay his fine. You must either be really convincing or take it from by force. Just be careful that the man in the flannel jacket is actually male and not just a well-built lesbian. The FCC does not take kindly to those who collect money from larger homosexual women who are dressed like lumberjacks.

The Ceremony
I have no idea what takes place in the ceremony. I didn’t make it this far. I like boobs and swearing too much. Also, I beat up a lesbian. Not because she was a lesbian, but because she was wearing flannel and I didn’t read the debriefing very well.

They did let me have the Taboo buzzer, though.

How do I sneak into a daycare center?

While Mr. Jones maybe right with his claims to superior jingle ability or jingbility, one thing that has rubbed off on him is a penchant into invading privacy and being places he does not belong. For awhile, our slogan was "The things we learned from invading privacy and being places we do not belong," but Law and Order came on the air 5 months later and we realized that we had to completely rework every jingle to fit its theme song. Our current motto can be seen on our banner, and can be sung to the theme to the Law and Order theme song, SVU arrangement.

Back to the heart of the manner, Mr Jones suggested that people should break into daycares and whisper slogans to 2-3 year old kids as they napped. I fully condone this, but you cannot just sneak into a daycare center on a whim. It takes carefully planning, training, and observation, which I will condense into a few sparse paragraphs.

1. Know the schedules - You cannot barge into a daycare and expect that nap time is always at 11:30 (in fact, you shouldn't barge into the daycare at all due to the nature of this mission. Keep this in mind.) Know the times of coffee breaks, smoke breaks and nap breaks that the teachers push on the children.

2. Keep on the DL -Observe the operations of the daycare for a full day from a non-suspicious van. It is important that people do not think you are watching them as they are against your guerrilla sloganing, so it's important to make sure your van has as few windows as possible.

3. Have an exit strategy - Lets say you somehow screwed up our advice and got caught when trying to sneak in. Always know where the the closest door, window, or incinerator is at all times. If you take interest in the theatre, go incognito as someone who would not be out of place at a daycare center. This includes, but not limited to, mailmen, parents, grandparents, confused people, Santa Claus child predators, and candymen. Be creative with your disguises. Even if you get caught, you can hope that they will at least appreciate the innovation you brought to your disguises and will let you off.

IF you are caught in one place, chances are your whole operation will be compromised as the daycare center community is a very tight-knit group when it comes to people guerrilla sloganing. I think it's because they hate America.