Field Research: Dropping Acid and Going To An NHL Game

The following is a transcript from a tape recorder. In a realization that if someone asked him if he knew if going to a professional hockey game on acid is really scary he would not be able to supply a sufficient answer, Mr. Jones attended a Black Hawk’s game in the proper state to answer the such a question.

The tape recorder that this transcript is derived from was found in a tube stock about half a block away from the office of The Guide. It is as follows:

How much is too much? Worse yet, how much is too little. What’s the point of doing this if I don’t take enough. What if I take too much acid and it lodges in my brain and I forget stuff? Shit. Shit. Shit. I can’t forget how to swim, my friends would be so disappointed. Swimming is what birds do in the sky, but for fish. [Tape recorder drops] Gravity shouldn’t still work if the ice is bleeding. Stop bleeding ice. GODDAMIT SOMEONE HELP THE ICE. People are staring but they are not helping the ice. HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU STAND IDLEY BY WHEN THE ICE IS BLEEDING?! [Children’s voice being hushed by parent] Yes! At least you guys understand. You go get help and I’ll make sure the bleeding doesn’t get worse. Worse. Worse. Worse. Worse. Worse. Horse. I can get home and avoid traffic if I ride bareback to back to the office. I don’t know how to ride bareback. I need a bareback, though. Names are names for a reason. Shirt off. [People laughing] Oh God. They’re laughing because they don’t think I know how to ride bareback. I have to commit. Act like a professional. Pants off. [People screaming] Sound is a playground and screams are the bullies! Can’t let bullies catch me! [Pounding footsteps] [Panting] Screams are fast. They’re following me. Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck. Parkinglotisbleedingtoo. [Panting] Gotta stop the bleeding. Apply pressure. [Police sirens] Nononono. Man in blue wants me to stand up. Can’t stand up because I can’t release pressure. Man in blue is not a man of math. He doesn’t understand the transitive property. If it bleeds, I bleed. Then if I bleed, he bleeds too. [Cop yelling] LET GO! I’M SAVING ALL OF US!