How do chairmen of the FCC get appointed?

The FCC (Federal Communications Commission) is the government agency that regulates the airwaves. It is there work, and only their work, that keeps 9 year-olds across the country safe from the horrors of side boob.

The FCC regulates other things as well, including language, but mostly side boob. This is a good thing because side boob is a lot like front boob, only way more terrifying and confusing. Just like how it’s really weird when you don’t recognize a friend from a weird angle, side boob can cause confusion in children and make them believe that side boob is a beast all it’s own, instead of just boob from a different vantage point.

Although extensive literature exists on side boob, the real issue is how does one get in the position to regulate side boob on the public airwaves? The answer is a closely guarded secret that pits a potential FCC chairman on a trial he will no doubt find difficult while at the same time enlightening. The trial comes in three steps, culminating in an FCC initiation ceremony.

Step 1: The Ungoodening
An individual seeking the coveted position must simply borrow a loved one’s favorite VHS (without them knowing, discreetness is crucial) and redub all the swear words into retarded nonsense that effectively ruin the feel of the movie. Bonus points are received if the altering of swears actually changes the plot in a significant way. Bonus points can be redeemed for a personal censorship keychain, which is actually just a Taboo buzzer taped to a keychain.

Step 2: The Unudening
An individual take a porn VHS (it must be a VHS, this is crucial) and using nothing more than a VHS and another blank tape cut it in such a way that it looks just like a poorly acted movie where a busty woman gets her TV fixed, pipes fitted, pizza delivered, pool cleaned, stabled shoveled, or house demolished.

Step 3: The Unwalleting
You must find a man in a flannel jacket (it must be flannel, this is crucial) and fine him everytime he does something you don’t particularly like. Word of warning: as someone not yet initiated as an FCC chairman you have no authority to demand he pay his fine. You must either be really convincing or take it from by force. Just be careful that the man in the flannel jacket is actually male and not just a well-built lesbian. The FCC does not take kindly to those who collect money from larger homosexual women who are dressed like lumberjacks.

The Ceremony
I have no idea what takes place in the ceremony. I didn’t make it this far. I like boobs and swearing too much. Also, I beat up a lesbian. Not because she was a lesbian, but because she was wearing flannel and I didn’t read the debriefing very well.

They did let me have the Taboo buzzer, though.