The time will come when you will you expecting a production of Our Town but only moments before the curtain goes up, a clearly frazzled director will leap from the stage apron to your row and beg you to take the role of George Gibbs. You will chuckle to yourself and decline politely. Then the director will take a knee and beg you, explaining he can spot a George Gibbs from a mile away and that he needs you because in an act of gross oversight he failed to cast the character. You will tell him you are indeed flattered, but still, you cannot. At this point, audience members around you will begin to say encouraging things. One stern man will yell that only queers don’t like the theatre. This will start a slow clap and the director will take you by the hand and lead you backstage.
This will happen. It’s important you don’t fuck it up. People paid good money to see a production and now this is your problem. Only moments ago you were so like them: not expecting to be George Gibbs. However, the theatre has no time for your expectations.
Note: the following advice is universal and does not pertain specifically to the character of George Gibbs or Our Town at all, for that matter. In fact, I never liked Our Town. It’s like, I get it Thornton Wilder, everybody dies. I didn’t need a 3 Act play to tell me that. I mean, mad props for getting a Pulitzer for Drama. That’s really impressive. And I mean that sincerely. I even like the idea of the narrator breaking the fourth wall but still, this shit is boring.
People are easily impressed by accents.
Just talk with an accent. Just make sure it’s an accent that’s different than the rest of the characters. It adds another level to the character because clearly he is an outsider and that makes him mysterious. Is your character running from the law? Perhaps he was heavily involved in the sex slave business? These are the questions the audience will ask if you have an accent. Just those two questions, though.
Your character should have a mustache.
Mustaches allow you complete anonymity. This is good for two reasons: on one hand, it allows you a chance for some theatrics at the end of the play when you remove your moustache and everyone gasps at your true identity and two, if you totally bomb your part people will be looking for a guy a mustache to provide some constructive criticism for. As an actor, receiving constructive criticism is an unspeakable shame. If you already have a mustache (perhaps because you’re an accomplished actor that expects roles to be thrown at him) put a bigger, fake mustache on top of your regular mustache. If you are a woman and have a mustache, do not put on a bigger mustache. Not like it you’d get the chance to act in anything; ain’t no motherfucker going to ask you to be in a play if you’re some lady with a moustache.
Distinct physical abnormalities show skill.
Hannibal Lector was creepy because he didn’t blink. Using this logic, your character should just be crippled. Unless there is another character in the play that is already crippled. In which case, you should be at least three times as crippled as he is. You might have to be creative, though. If another character is wheelchair-bound, it’s going to be hard to out cripple that. If your character was dragged around by a belt tied to his arms pulled by the dogs, that just might out-do wheelchair.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
How do I lose my virginity the Leon Firestone way?
Be 15: This stage is important because you are far too innocent to actually go out of your way to make an elaborate plan to net you sex. This is also before the 'Why does no one want to bone me" mentality kicks in at 17. Also, at 15, you are less likely to be in a situation in which you will try to booze a girl into sleeping with you. If you were 15 and this happened, I kind of want to be your friend.
Be at a Styx show: I'm not sure how this holds up to today's musical standards, but the Styx rocked pretty hard. Regardless, I am sure you're chances of losing your virginity will not be hindered by the fact that is a greatest hits show. Their music is known for the smooth, arousing rhythms, and will no doubt get prospective mates in the mood. This was later reaffirmed when the police approached my car pulled off to the side of the road, blasting Mr. Roboto with the windows down, and caught me fervently masturbating.
Find a drunk mother who is in the wrong bathroom: This part can get tricky, as a lot of it comes to pure chance. You cannot just wait in the bathroom for her because you would scare away her presence, but you must check just enough so it does not seem creepy that you walk into the bathroom, look through doors, and walk away disappointed. Try to pick up the telltale signs of a drunk mother in the wrong bathroom. Do the people in stalls have heels on? Do you hear a drunken woman in your immediate area? Is their hysterical crying? All of these must be taken into account.
The beauty of this is that the drunk mother should guide you through the process in the tone of a caring mother, which is admittedly screwed up and will probably mess you up with sex for the next three years. Fortunately, if she's drunk enough, the caring tone is turned into "Do it, you faggot. With your dick," like my case. There are a few regrets, as i never knew her name, but I am still happy I was able to get that out of the way to enjoy Sail Away as a finale. Man, such an epic song. It has everything a song should have: exposition, rising action... but I'm getting ahead of myself. Point of the matter is, go to a Styx show and become a man in the most dignified way possible. Or else you are gay.
Be at a Styx show: I'm not sure how this holds up to today's musical standards, but the Styx rocked pretty hard. Regardless, I am sure you're chances of losing your virginity will not be hindered by the fact that is a greatest hits show. Their music is known for the smooth, arousing rhythms, and will no doubt get prospective mates in the mood. This was later reaffirmed when the police approached my car pulled off to the side of the road, blasting Mr. Roboto with the windows down, and caught me fervently masturbating.
Find a drunk mother who is in the wrong bathroom: This part can get tricky, as a lot of it comes to pure chance. You cannot just wait in the bathroom for her because you would scare away her presence, but you must check just enough so it does not seem creepy that you walk into the bathroom, look through doors, and walk away disappointed. Try to pick up the telltale signs of a drunk mother in the wrong bathroom. Do the people in stalls have heels on? Do you hear a drunken woman in your immediate area? Is their hysterical crying? All of these must be taken into account.
The beauty of this is that the drunk mother should guide you through the process in the tone of a caring mother, which is admittedly screwed up and will probably mess you up with sex for the next three years. Fortunately, if she's drunk enough, the caring tone is turned into "Do it, you faggot. With your dick," like my case. There are a few regrets, as i never knew her name, but I am still happy I was able to get that out of the way to enjoy Sail Away as a finale. Man, such an epic song. It has everything a song should have: exposition, rising action... but I'm getting ahead of myself. Point of the matter is, go to a Styx show and become a man in the most dignified way possible. Or else you are gay.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Corrections to The 2003 World Almanac
Despite being a New York Times bestseller, the 2003 edition of the World Almanac is not without factual inaccuracies.
I have noticed the following errors in the following sections:
Noted Personalities – Composers of Classical and Avant Garde Music
Not included in this section is Walter Beardly, my landlord at the time. Beardly would compose elaborate musical scores and then sing them as he crawled around the building’s vent system. Although this was terrifying in a way words cannot describe, he made a deal with all the tenants that he wouldn’t charge for utilities as long as we didn’t move out and gave him constructive criticism on his compositions from time to time. Although he may not be well known, an almanac can’t call itself an almanac if it it’s not all-inclusive especially when he had such an impact on a single community's musical world.
Nations – South Africa
The entry fails to mention that the currency for South Africa is fingers. This is very significant for not only cultural reasons, but also ethical reasons. Based on their currency system alone, South Africa has managed to provide an answer to a question that has plagued thinkers since the beginning of time: how much is a single human being worth? South Africa’s answer: 10.
Sports- Women’s National Basketball Association
Although not technically wrong, there is a line between being a helpful reference and just wasting paper. With over two pages dedicated to the WNBA, the 2003 World Almanac is guilty of killing and wasting trees.
Price – 19.95
Wrong. Two weeks ago I paid almost double that for this damn almanac. The people behind The World Almanac really need to be able to predict the changing value of the dollar and how much you will pay for an outdated reference when a man pulls you into an alley and holds you at knife point and demands you will pay an inordinate amount of money for said almanac. These things happen.
I have noticed the following errors in the following sections:
Noted Personalities – Composers of Classical and Avant Garde Music
Not included in this section is Walter Beardly, my landlord at the time. Beardly would compose elaborate musical scores and then sing them as he crawled around the building’s vent system. Although this was terrifying in a way words cannot describe, he made a deal with all the tenants that he wouldn’t charge for utilities as long as we didn’t move out and gave him constructive criticism on his compositions from time to time. Although he may not be well known, an almanac can’t call itself an almanac if it it’s not all-inclusive especially when he had such an impact on a single community's musical world.
Nations – South Africa
The entry fails to mention that the currency for South Africa is fingers. This is very significant for not only cultural reasons, but also ethical reasons. Based on their currency system alone, South Africa has managed to provide an answer to a question that has plagued thinkers since the beginning of time: how much is a single human being worth? South Africa’s answer: 10.
Sports- Women’s National Basketball Association
Although not technically wrong, there is a line between being a helpful reference and just wasting paper. With over two pages dedicated to the WNBA, the 2003 World Almanac is guilty of killing and wasting trees.
Price – 19.95
Wrong. Two weeks ago I paid almost double that for this damn almanac. The people behind The World Almanac really need to be able to predict the changing value of the dollar and how much you will pay for an outdated reference when a man pulls you into an alley and holds you at knife point and demands you will pay an inordinate amount of money for said almanac. These things happen.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Public Outcry: How it's made: Turkey Killing Machines
Now is the time that we give something back to the community. When someone does a Google search and they happen upon The Survival Guide, we can read what they searched for. However, some of the things people search for are not answered on our site, so this is our way of helping out the answer-seekers, one by one.
The Query: how do turkey killing machines work?
Our Response: "How It's Made: Turkey Killing Machines"
The Survival Guide still has a pending lawsuit with the Discovery Channel due to the likeliness of their show "How It's Made" has to our world-renowned reoccurring segment, also called "How It's Made." Mr. Jones said that he would organize a case against them with everything he's learned from People's Court. He said he was going to go to the court, and he left the office humming the theme song, so I knew he was focused about law. Then he came back 3 hours later covered in blood and screaming. Just screaming. Not trying to say anything or respond to me. Just screaming.
Regardless, we are waiting for Discovery to apologize and change the name of their show to something more fitting, like "How these things are done," "Makin' stuff," " or "The Survival Guide to Everyday Life Presents How It's Made."
Anyhow, Turkey Killing Machines? This query is quite a broad subject, so I believe the querier is looking for either turkeys that are killing machines, or killing machines that have been made by turkeys. For the latter, I would direct you towards the documentary Chicken Run, as it showcases some of the Chicken technology and Mel Gibson. If you are researching the former, then still watch Chicken Run. It is such a good film.
In hindsight, I wish the query was "Please tell me all about how the Discovery Channel is run by two-bit idiots." I was riding that rage, then some guy just HAD to know turkey killing shit. I mean, I love the Discovery Channel. Shark week is marked on all of my calendars, with the day before marked "Stock up on booze, drugs and women." The Survival Guide office throws a soiree of sorts. It's all very high class and revolves around the longest running week dedicated to sharks on cable television.
But Mythbusters? The show based around our own penchant towards the world and my Walrus-'tache? It's amazing they aren't giving us money for that idea, but they aren't because that case was thrown out by the judge. Or at least that's what Mr. Jones said. Well, wrote. On the wall. In his own blood. I'm starting to think that law is not his thing.
The Query: how do turkey killing machines work?
Our Response: "How It's Made: Turkey Killing Machines"
The Survival Guide still has a pending lawsuit with the Discovery Channel due to the likeliness of their show "How It's Made" has to our world-renowned reoccurring segment, also called "How It's Made." Mr. Jones said that he would organize a case against them with everything he's learned from People's Court. He said he was going to go to the court, and he left the office humming the theme song, so I knew he was focused about law. Then he came back 3 hours later covered in blood and screaming. Just screaming. Not trying to say anything or respond to me. Just screaming.
Regardless, we are waiting for Discovery to apologize and change the name of their show to something more fitting, like "How these things are done," "Makin' stuff," " or "The Survival Guide to Everyday Life Presents How It's Made."
Anyhow, Turkey Killing Machines? This query is quite a broad subject, so I believe the querier is looking for either turkeys that are killing machines, or killing machines that have been made by turkeys. For the latter, I would direct you towards the documentary Chicken Run, as it showcases some of the Chicken technology and Mel Gibson. If you are researching the former, then still watch Chicken Run. It is such a good film.
In hindsight, I wish the query was "Please tell me all about how the Discovery Channel is run by two-bit idiots." I was riding that rage, then some guy just HAD to know turkey killing shit. I mean, I love the Discovery Channel. Shark week is marked on all of my calendars, with the day before marked "Stock up on booze, drugs and women." The Survival Guide office throws a soiree of sorts. It's all very high class and revolves around the longest running week dedicated to sharks on cable television.
But Mythbusters? The show based around our own penchant towards the world and my Walrus-'tache? It's amazing they aren't giving us money for that idea, but they aren't because that case was thrown out by the judge. Or at least that's what Mr. Jones said. Well, wrote. On the wall. In his own blood. I'm starting to think that law is not his thing.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Banned Levi's Jeans Commercials
Compared to the rest of the world, the USA gets pretty lame commercials. I once read that in Britain there was a commercial that had two naked chicks feeling each other up in a kiddie pool filled with Bailey’s Irish Cream. Interestingly enough, the commercial was for kiddie pools and not Bailey’s. The fact that booze and kiddie pools have the same demographic in the UK is just one of the many reasons they are more socially progressive than us.
Because I have an interest in all things banned and contraband, I have a collection of prohibited Levi Jean commercials on various VHS tapes, as well as a closet full of narcotics I have stolen from various police evidence closets in the state the New Jersey. If the technology existed, I would upload the videos onto the Internet but I’m afraid that day is a ways off. But when that day arrives, what a day it will be!
Because I cannot show you the commercials, I will describe them for you. After reading each description, simply close your eyes and allow your mind to take you where technology cannot!
Original air date: 12/12/1988
Description: A slightly aged (but still busty!) mother-figure is folding laundry on a bed. After folding a pair of Levi jeans she accidentally knocks the pair off the bed onto the ground. After picking up the jeans up, she realizes the rear side of the jeans are made out of hundred dollar bills. Perplexed by this, she turns the jeans over again. The side that was clearly denim a half a second earlier is now made entirely out of marijuana. The Levi logo fades in on the bottom right corner of the screen as she rolls a blunt using the jean money.
Original air date: 7/16/1994
Description: A pair of sentient jeans is running from the cops on a suburban street with a gun being held by a belt loop. The jeans kick down a door to a two-story home while returning fire through the dining room window as they climb the stairs. One of the bullets hits the police commissioner at the base of the throat. The jeans, still firing wildly, come to a bedroom balcony that overlooks the street and the now rapidly forming police barricade. A female cop with a megaphone urges the jeans to cooperate. The jeans yell back they’ve gotten their hands bloody before, but never bloody with cop blood and that there is no turning back now. The jeans then turn the 9mm on themselves but before the trigger is pulled a hail of sniper fire rips the denim apart. As the tattered jeans tumble over the balcony, the Levi logo appears in the bottom right corner of the screen.
Original air date: 5/9/2005
Description: An okay-looking man puts on a pair of Levi’s and a hot lady does not wrestle him to the ground and try to have sex with him. The reason this is banned may not be as clear as the other two (for one, it’s a federal crime to burn money and two, female cops don’t exist) so allow me to explain. Putting Levi’s on will always make hot ladies try to have sex with you. Always. If it doesn’t work, then you just haven’t bought enough. It is considered unethical to lie to customers, so the commercial was banned.
Because I have an interest in all things banned and contraband, I have a collection of prohibited Levi Jean commercials on various VHS tapes, as well as a closet full of narcotics I have stolen from various police evidence closets in the state the New Jersey. If the technology existed, I would upload the videos onto the Internet but I’m afraid that day is a ways off. But when that day arrives, what a day it will be!
Because I cannot show you the commercials, I will describe them for you. After reading each description, simply close your eyes and allow your mind to take you where technology cannot!
Original air date: 12/12/1988
Description: A slightly aged (but still busty!) mother-figure is folding laundry on a bed. After folding a pair of Levi jeans she accidentally knocks the pair off the bed onto the ground. After picking up the jeans up, she realizes the rear side of the jeans are made out of hundred dollar bills. Perplexed by this, she turns the jeans over again. The side that was clearly denim a half a second earlier is now made entirely out of marijuana. The Levi logo fades in on the bottom right corner of the screen as she rolls a blunt using the jean money.
Original air date: 7/16/1994
Description: A pair of sentient jeans is running from the cops on a suburban street with a gun being held by a belt loop. The jeans kick down a door to a two-story home while returning fire through the dining room window as they climb the stairs. One of the bullets hits the police commissioner at the base of the throat. The jeans, still firing wildly, come to a bedroom balcony that overlooks the street and the now rapidly forming police barricade. A female cop with a megaphone urges the jeans to cooperate. The jeans yell back they’ve gotten their hands bloody before, but never bloody with cop blood and that there is no turning back now. The jeans then turn the 9mm on themselves but before the trigger is pulled a hail of sniper fire rips the denim apart. As the tattered jeans tumble over the balcony, the Levi logo appears in the bottom right corner of the screen.
Original air date: 5/9/2005
Description: An okay-looking man puts on a pair of Levi’s and a hot lady does not wrestle him to the ground and try to have sex with him. The reason this is banned may not be as clear as the other two (for one, it’s a federal crime to burn money and two, female cops don’t exist) so allow me to explain. Putting Levi’s on will always make hot ladies try to have sex with you. Always. If it doesn’t work, then you just haven’t bought enough. It is considered unethical to lie to customers, so the commercial was banned.
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