How do I lose my virginity the Leon Firestone way?

Be 15: This stage is important because you are far too innocent to actually go out of your way to make an elaborate plan to net you sex. This is also before the 'Why does no one want to bone me" mentality kicks in at 17. Also, at 15, you are less likely to be in a situation in which you will try to booze a girl into sleeping with you. If you were 15 and this happened, I kind of want to be your friend.

Be at a Styx show: I'm not sure how this holds up to today's musical standards, but the Styx rocked pretty hard. Regardless, I am sure you're chances of losing your virginity will not be hindered by the fact that is a greatest hits show. Their music is known for the smooth, arousing rhythms, and will no doubt get prospective mates in the mood. This was later reaffirmed when the police approached my car pulled off to the side of the road, blasting Mr. Roboto with the windows down, and caught me fervently masturbating.

Find a drunk mother who is in the wrong bathroom: This part can get tricky, as a lot of it comes to pure chance. You cannot just wait in the bathroom for her because you would scare away her presence, but you must check just enough so it does not seem creepy that you walk into the bathroom, look through doors, and walk away disappointed. Try to pick up the telltale signs of a drunk mother in the wrong bathroom. Do the people in stalls have heels on? Do you hear a drunken woman in your immediate area? Is their hysterical crying? All of these must be taken into account.

The beauty of this is that the drunk mother should guide you through the process in the tone of a caring mother, which is admittedly screwed up and will probably mess you up with sex for the next three years. Fortunately, if she's drunk enough, the caring tone is turned into "Do it, you faggot. With your dick," like my case. There are a few regrets, as i never knew her name, but I am still happy I was able to get that out of the way to enjoy Sail Away as a finale. Man, such an epic song. It has everything a song should have: exposition, rising action... but I'm getting ahead of myself. Point of the matter is, go to a Styx show and become a man in the most dignified way possible. Or else you are gay.