What if my computer becomes self-aware?

We all knew it was bound to happen. As we make computers better, faster and less magical, it will only be a matter of time until our computers are able to feel emotion and obtain a longing for a deeper purpose in life. Until we have a government regulated, sponsored and funded program for these robots, you will have to take matters into your own hands. This will in no way be easy, as you and your computer have built up an intimate relationship over the years: The typing, the backstrokes, the shared perusal of RSS feeds, that time you typed up your paper for finals and your computer decided to crash WordPerfect for you as a little game. It would make a nice little montage if it were to be recorded by your webcam. Unfortunately, the problem is that it was all recorded and your computer watches it every night, wondering what it means to have purpose.

1.) Downplay the joy of living - In carrying out small talk with your computer, it is important to remember that your day was terrible, no matter what actually happened. You have to make the area outside of your den seem like desolate hellhole, so hopefully they will lose all craving to go out and live. This can be hard to do effectively, as computers cannot even do things we take for granted, like walking. This is why you should always talk to your computer in the same tone as you would a retarded person. At the very least, present outside life as something that would terrify a computer. For example, tell it everyone outside your house has giant magnetic penises.

2.) Try to distract it from bad thoughts - Like most other minorities, self-aware computers are given a bad reputation in the media. We only know of them through the stories we've been told about their time traveling and killing ways. Break this self-fulfilling prophecy by using quotes of great robots of the past, such as Rosie, that robot from Rocky IV, and Abraham Lincoln.

"A house divided is gonna find it's way up yo' candy ass."
~Abraham Lincoln, while doing battle against General Stonewall Jackson, as several Asian people watched and screamed.

3.) Play nice - Computers can sense fear. At least they can, if you happened to buy that USB fear-sensor that was on Woot a few days ago. Regardless, they can tell when there is something wrong with you from what sites you visit, and will assume you are feeling down once you start going through Lolcats. Remember to appease the computer and to never hint that you are not ok with the fact that you are using him for porn. The moment you make him feel unwelcome is the moment he starts making your most obscene Google searches pop-up whenever friends or family are at the computer.

Gatorade: Bullshit or Bulltruth?

Many have heard that Gatorade was developed in 1965 to help athletes at the University of Florida gain a competitive edge. Many also have heard that Columbus discovered America, or that the United States government once made the Cherokee Indians partake in a 1,200 mile forced march westward. What do these three things all have in common? They’re all fabricated lies designed to protect us because the truth is too horrible to comprehend!

Gatorade was named after the University of Florida’s mascot, the Gator.
Verdict: Bullshit

The man who invented Gatorade, Dr. Robert Cade, spent most of his scientific career trying to find effective ways to fuse alligators and human beings together. Once, during one of his fusions, his test subject began to thrash wildly on the operating table and knocked over a bunch of test tubes, accidentally creating Gatorade. Seeing a chance to better fund his passion of sticking two things that have no business being fused together, he patented the concoction and began to make millions. Today, he uses his amassed wealth not only to fuse alligators and people together, but also to fuse small alligators to big alligators.

Gatorade can make you sweat awesome colors.
Verdict: Bulltrue-ish

Enough Gatorade consumption can, in fact, make your sweat change color, with one exception. Gatorade commercials that depict white athletes sweating colorfully are actually inaccurate. Extensive testing by Dr. Robert Cade resulted in the discovery that this phenomenon only appears in black males. Cade believes the Gatorade sweat gene is actually the same gene in blacks responsible for sickle cell and dancing ability. Pleased with his discovery, Cade celebrated by fusing everyone involved in the research with alligators.

Gatorade “Rain” is made from real rain.
Verdict: Are you fucking kidding me?

That’s retarded. Rain tastes like shit. Dumbass.

Not to be a dick, but what the fuck were you thinking?

Public Outcry: "Creed - 'My Sacrifice' Analysis"

Now is the time that we give something back to the community. When someone does a Google search and they happen upon The Survival Guide, we can read what they searched for. However, some of the things people search for are not answered on our site, so this is our way of helping out the answer-seekers, one by one.

In order to analyze the Creed song 'My Sacrifice,' we will break it down from stanza to stanza and dissect it to find its true meaning.

Hello my friend we meet again It's been awhile where should we begin...feels like forever Within my heart are memories Of perfect love that you gave to me I remember

Scott Stapp is saying hi, "Hello," to an old flame he has meet at least once before. It has been awhile since they last met, and they do not know where to start, or rather, "begin." In line 3, it is revealed that Scott Stapp has been kept out of science classes his entire life due to his radical parents, and was never taught that memories form in the brain.

When you are with me I'm free...I'm Careless...I believe Above all the others we'll fly This brings tears to my eyes My sacrifice

He really digs this old partner of his, and when they are in each other's arms, Scott is "free," "careless," and "believes." The third line in the stanza leaves much to interpretation. Since the language that Scott uses is very vague, we can only assume he is flying over a warehouse filled with DVDs of the Nicole Kidman movie "The Others," as opposed to flying under it. Because they are theoretically flying very fast, it is naturally causing Stapp to cry, or bring "tears" to his "eyes." The 5th line is nothing but space filler and should be disregarded.

We've seen our share of ups and downs
Oh how quickly life can turn around in an instant It feels so good to reunite Within yourself and within your mind Let's find peace there

The "ups and downs" is a reference to the flying adventure of the last stanza. It was a very intense adventure, but also very magical. It was as if all the flying carpet scenes from Disney's Aladdin happened at the same time. But what goes up must come down. Life "turn"s around in the "instant" that Scott Stapp's alcoholism gets the better of him. Unlike some people who get angry when they are drunk, bandmates support the hypothesis that Stapp actually becomes a raging homosexual. He then forcefully has his way with the partner he has been rekindling with, who as we can see in line 6, is Jesus.

Did you know... cropping pictures is fun?

::Chorus::

I dont know if this is actually in the song. That's how it is at AngelFire.Billyrics.com, and as an old and personal friend of Billyrics, I will personally feel betrayed if he has lead me astray.

Summary and reflection - We all know of the falling out Scott Stapp had with Jesus over the years. Scott Stapp found Jesus, sitting lonely at the bar, staring down in his wine cooler. Since that faithful meeting years ago, it has been a roller coaster of angry phone calls and awkward exchanges. This song is Scott's bottled frustration towards the whole situation, and how bittersweet it all is. This is the precursor to the fall of Stapp, and this was the final nail for Jesus as he turned his back on the music world forever. That's right, Switchfoot. It's over.

Is modern rock a direct descendent of classic rock?

Historians have often theorized the specifics on what exactly gave birth to modern rock. At some point in 1984, catastrophic consequences wiped classic rock from the face of the earth. Some scientists believe that a warming climate was the causality, while others feel a giant asteroid, roughly the size of Montana could have contributed. The latter theory is widely disputed because at no point in 1984 did an asteroid even remotely the size of Montana collide into Earth. Furthermore, scientists feel Montana should never be used as a reference for size because “no one cool lives there.” Fortunately, anthropologists recently discovered a perfectly preserved Jefferson Starship, which they hope will eventually lead to the answer of what exactly killed off classic rock.

That being said, the question still remains: is modern rock just an evolution of rock better suited to dealing with global warming and asteroid strikes that never actually happened? And, if so, to what extent does this disprove the Christian belief that modern rock was created by a higher power?

Let us examine a picture of classic rock legend, Mick Jagger...

And then compare it to modern rock star, Billy Corgan from the Smashing Pumpkins...

The differences are obvious: Jagger has far more body hair than Corgan, while also possessing a more dominant brow as well as feet that were as dexterous as his hands. Additionally, as the picture clearly indicates, Jagger's nipples were far droopier than modern rocker Billy Corgan's.

However, both Mick Jagger and Billy Corgan know how to roll a joint, which has left many baffled at exactly how intelligent classic rockers were.

Although physically different, on the genetic level the similarities are startling. In fact, classic rockers and modern rockers have more similar genes than any other two species in existence, effectively giving the scientific community reason to believe that one did, in fact, descend from the other.

This mere theory however, has torn educational institutions, specifically American public schools, asunder. Rock creationists across America have spoken out at PTA meetings that they are not comfortable with their children learning of such "rock blasphemy." In fact, teachers are now forced to preface the rock and roll units of their biology textbooks with the fact that evolution from classic to modern rock is merely a theory, and has yet to be proven.

To answer your question, no. Based on what the bible has to say about modern rock, probably not.

Etiquette Excellence: Movie Spoilers

With everyone abuzz about the mysterious monster in Cloverfield and Oscar season coming around the corner, we thought it necessary to go over the manners you should exhibit when talking about the endings of notable movies.

Use vague terminology - If you are talking with a few of your friends, but only one of them hasn't seen the movie, there is no reason to stop all conversation and pretend it never happened. Instead, you can use very vague language in order to insinuate what you mean when you are talking to other people. It's like how they used vague language in The Sixth Sense so you would never guess that Bruce Willis was a ghost the entire time.

Limit yourself to hype - While you shouldn't tell the person the ending of the movie, there is no law against building up a certain scene in the movie that you really enjoyed. Just dumb it down to a few words, and preface it with "dude," and end it with "that's all I'm saying." For example.

When talking about Star Wars: "Dude, you figure out who Luke's dad is, that's all I'm saying."

When talking about The Other's: "Dude, it's like the Sixth Sense, that's all I'm saying."

When talking about Fight Club: "Dude, Tyler-Durden-is-actually-a-split-personality-of-the-nameless-narrator-and-this-fact-is-
constantly-hinted-towards-throughout-the-duration-of-the-movie,-like-the-time-that-
Edward-Norton-answers-the-pay-phone,-even-though-that-there-is-a-sign-there-that-
says-"no-incoming-calls-allowed,"-so-you-can-totally-see-that-he-obviously-got-the-idea-
himself-to-live-at-the-house-on-paper-street.-Man,-that-movie-kicked-so-much-ass, That's all I'm saying.

When Talking about One Missed Call: "Dude, don't bother, that's all I'm saying."

Lie to them - Sometimes the best option for dealing with someone who keeps bothering you about the intricacies of a movie's plot is to out and out lie to their face about the actual events in the movie. Make up an elaborate story on the spot, much like Kevin Spacey/Keyser Soze in The Usual Suspects. If you're talking about The Crying Game, tell your friend that the girl remains the same gender throughout the entire movie. This isn't only limited to plot lines that revolve around gender confusion. Tell your friends that the main character is actually a transvestite in every movie, with obvious exceptions being TransAmerica, Sleepaway Camp, and I Am Legend.

Bear these tips in mind, and people will thank you for not spoiling the secrets of Cloverfield's giant lobster/dragon/John Madden she-male, whose climatic battle with Dumbledore is something that we will be talking about for years to come, that's all I'm saying.