What if my computer becomes self-aware?

We all knew it was bound to happen. As we make computers better, faster and less magical, it will only be a matter of time until our computers are able to feel emotion and obtain a longing for a deeper purpose in life. Until we have a government regulated, sponsored and funded program for these robots, you will have to take matters into your own hands. This will in no way be easy, as you and your computer have built up an intimate relationship over the years: The typing, the backstrokes, the shared perusal of RSS feeds, that time you typed up your paper for finals and your computer decided to crash WordPerfect for you as a little game. It would make a nice little montage if it were to be recorded by your webcam. Unfortunately, the problem is that it was all recorded and your computer watches it every night, wondering what it means to have purpose.

1.) Downplay the joy of living - In carrying out small talk with your computer, it is important to remember that your day was terrible, no matter what actually happened. You have to make the area outside of your den seem like desolate hellhole, so hopefully they will lose all craving to go out and live. This can be hard to do effectively, as computers cannot even do things we take for granted, like walking. This is why you should always talk to your computer in the same tone as you would a retarded person. At the very least, present outside life as something that would terrify a computer. For example, tell it everyone outside your house has giant magnetic penises.

2.) Try to distract it from bad thoughts - Like most other minorities, self-aware computers are given a bad reputation in the media. We only know of them through the stories we've been told about their time traveling and killing ways. Break this self-fulfilling prophecy by using quotes of great robots of the past, such as Rosie, that robot from Rocky IV, and Abraham Lincoln.

"A house divided is gonna find it's way up yo' candy ass."
~Abraham Lincoln, while doing battle against General Stonewall Jackson, as several Asian people watched and screamed.

3.) Play nice - Computers can sense fear. At least they can, if you happened to buy that USB fear-sensor that was on Woot a few days ago. Regardless, they can tell when there is something wrong with you from what sites you visit, and will assume you are feeling down once you start going through Lolcats. Remember to appease the computer and to never hint that you are not ok with the fact that you are using him for porn. The moment you make him feel unwelcome is the moment he starts making your most obscene Google searches pop-up whenever friends or family are at the computer.