So you're starting Junior High...

Junior high is a turning point in many young people’s lives, and, as such, I have compiled everything you need to know about your upcoming adolescence as it pertains to either gender.

In prison the rule of thumb is to make someone your bitch on day one. In junior high, it’s the opposite. You need to become as passive and easily shaped by other people’s opinions as fast as possible. That is, if you are a girl.

If you are a male, refer back to basic prison rules.

In junior high, in the midst of hormonal and social change, some people will try to remain true to themselves. Don’t. If you don’t come out a completely different person you have failed. Do not hesitate to change everything about yourself: your hair, your clothes, your laugh, your walk, the way you pronounce “egg.” Let us not forget your weight. When weight is concerned, the only change should be less. Less, less, less. Don’t be confused by “inner beauty” propaganda. I mean, after all, beauty has to be witnessed and no one can tell you’re a good person from across the mall. Once again, this paragraph was just for the girls.

If you are male, refer back to basic prison rules.

Dating in junior high is crucial. It gives you social experience and helps you understand that “no” is not a word in a pretty girl’s vocabulary. Every second spent without a boyfriend is one more second on your death clock as the fear of dying cold and alone becomes slightly closer to becoming a harsh reality.

If you are male, refer back to basic prison rules.

Drinking is something that many teens experiment with during their high school years. However, recent studies show that drinking during junior high years is becoming increasingly more rampant. Don’t start drinking in junior high. Start before it. Girl, if you can’t hold your Irish Car Bombs by 8th grade graduation, you might as well not even go to high school.

Guys, when confronted with underage drinking, ask yourself: “In prison, would the consummation of alcohol further me up the ladder that is the prison social hierarchy?”

Let’s review, shall we?

Girls, picture yourself as a shark. In reality, a shark must always move forward or it dies. You must always be changing, losing weight, changing clothes, trash talking, fellating, or you too, will die. So just think of yourself as a shark. A slutty, slutty shark.

Guys, make sure you know how to make a shiv out of a quarter.

And that, boys and girls, is junior high in a nutshell.