What if I brought a urine sample to a physical even though I didn't need to?

This is a very common mistake that could make you feel extremely isolated. You will immediately feel alone because you’re the only guy in the entire medical building that has a jar of urine with his name on it. But fear not! Everyday, thousands of Americans are bringing cups of piss to places they don’t need to. The moment you realize you are not alone is the same moment you take control of the situation.

Essentially, you need to do two things. You must a.) dispose of your urine in a way that cannot be traced to you and b.) make it look like you are without fault.

In regards to the disposal, you might think that a bathroom would be an ideal place to head. You are wrong. Nothing has failure written all over it like bringing a cup of urine into a public bathroom. This sends the message that you are so busy you don’t have to time to piss by normal means and were forced to piss in a cup only to dump it off somewhere later. People will scoff at your inability to manage your time and you don’t want that.

However, if the bathroom is the only option, make sure you dump it the sink and not the toilet for obvious reasons.

The best way to leave your leavings is to hide them somewhere someone won’t find until you have left. Under chairs and tables are all good options, but don’t hesitate to be creative. If you’re daring, you could try to trade it to someone for something of greater value than urine, for example, a sandwich or money. A personal favorite of mine is to stash it in baby strollers. The parents won’t notice it until its too late and even then, there’s a good chance they’ll think their baby is so smart to pee in a cup they won’t even care. You get rid of your pee, and they become proud parents. Everyone wins.

In order to make yourself look blameless, make sure no one sees you get rid of it, except in the case of trading it to someone. In which case, make sure that person does not speak our language or is ugly.

If worse comes to worse and someone does see you, make sure you leave them feeling so terrible they would never repeat the incident to anyone. You could burst into tears as you explain the cup is a family heirloom or kill them.