What if I give birth at someone else's baby shower?

The answer is simple: don't! Do everything you possibly can to not birth a brand new baby boy/girl if you are currently attending someone else's shower. Not only is this rude to the guests that have to witness the crowning of the unexpected and slimy baby you produce, but you will undoubtedly overshadow the reason of the occasion: the expected baby.

If you are preparing for the shower and worry that you might pop at any given moment, there are some steps you can take to lessen the chances of an embarrassing birth.

• Drink energy drinks to get blood going. The more blood circulating through your system, the more constriction you have in your uterus. The more constriction you have in your uterus, the more weight your uterus can hold. The more weight your uterus can hold, the less like your baby is to slide out.

• Imagine it's in the middle of July and you want to be cool. Like how imagining it's cold makes you feel colder, imagine life pre-pregnant. Think that you're going out to a bar that night to hook up with some cute guy for meaningless sex that can't possibly lead to your dreams being crushed by a 7 pound, 6 oz monster that will make your life a living hell but give it meaning all at the same time.

• Cork it

However, if you are reading this now and great urgency, chances are D-day is upon us and you have already started the birthing process. Since it is impolite to upstage the hostess and her up-and-coming bundle of joy, here are two ways to conceal your pregnancy.

• Now more than ever, fun games and activities are planned for baby showers. If you are playing a rousing game of baby shower bingo, mask your heavy breathing and cries of pain as cries of excitement as you scream "Bingo!" Yell "Bingo" even if you don't have bingo. That small embarrassment is worth avoiding a lifetime of embarrassment caused by this social foo-pa

• Find some blankets, and deliver your own baby. If you do not trust yourself to deliver your own baby, find someone who you can trust and who will keep his/her mouth shut about it. After the baby is born, slide it next to the expecting woman who the party is being thrown for. Then stand up and exclaim "Oh my goodness! You're a mother!" Point at the baby in disbelief and do that "hysterical joy mingled with crying" that occurs whenever Oprah reveals her "Favorite Things." Everyone has a story to tell the rest of their life after said event, and you can always swipe the baby back after she really gives birth.

It is important to note that there is no point in which anyone at the party can see the baby post-party. In order to keep up this facade, move all cradles and other baby toys into a cellar or crawlspace. Let the baby be your little secret so the housewives of the neighborhood don't start gossiping. Then, years later, announce you adopted a child. The awkwardness and social anxieties inherited through his/her basement upbringing can be explained through standard orphan syndrome.

If you are a man and you find yourself giving birth during a baby shower, leave immediately and watch the movie Junior. If you have any questions left after watching the film strip, take up with WebMD.com.

That's it! By following these steps, you will save yourself from embarrassment and save everyone else from such an awkward ordeal!