To what extent does Disney World’s Showcase accurately depict other countries from the around the globe?

Located in Epcot Park, home of Spaceship Earth, the World Showcase was Disney’s attempt to bring cultural flair to a theme park staffed mostly by Mexicans. To his credit, he did a pretty good job. Each of 11 pavilions represents a different country but there are some subtle differences between the pavilions and their real world counter parts that only the worldliest of travelers would pick up on.

I know what you're thinking, and yes, that would make a pretty sweet bong.

They are as follows:

Mexico
Similarities: Both contain Aztec pyramids with human sacrifices happening every hour on the hour.

How They’re Different: The pavilion has a GDP three times larger than the actual country of Mexico.

China
Similarities: The pavilion and the country both allow a peek into the magnificent culture of the Chinese, of which the modern world owes so much. Also, everything is covered in lead.

How They’re Different: Epcot China has no reported cases of female infanticide with the exception of one tragic mistake during a performance by the Dragon Legend Acrobats.

Morocco
Similarities: I’m going to be honest, I didn’t bother going to the Morocco pavilion. Disney World is fucking hot and I’m not made of $40 dollar bottled water.

How They’re Different: The real Morocco might be bigger. Don’t quote me on that, though. It’s at least the same size. Let’s just say, for prosperity’s sake, that the real Morocco isn’t smaller than the pavilion. That sounds about right.

The American Adventure
Similarities: The American Adventure is an honest look at America’s amazing history. This attraction and America’s actual history both tend to leave out the parts where we brutally abused Native Americans for fun and profit.

How They’re Different: Unlike America's History, the pavilion is entirely wheelchair accessible.

Public Outcry (Advice): I think my boyfriend may be drinking rubbing alcohol

Now is the time that we give something back to the community. When someone does a Google search and they happen upon The Survival Guide, we can read what they searched for. However, some of the things people search for are not answered on our site, so this is our way of helping out the answer-seekers, one by one.

The Query: I think my boyfriend may be drinking rubbing alcohol

Our Interpretations: I think my boyfriend may be drinking rubbing alcohol, how do I find out for sure?

I think my boyfriend may be drinking rubbing alcohol, how can I get him to buy his own?

I think my boyfriend may be drinking rubbing alcohol, should I care?

...how do I find out for sure?
You should check your medicine cabinets. Use Sharpie to determine the levels of rubbing alcohol stay consistent with events that need rubbing alcohol. Sometimes, drinkers will try and pass off events as times a person would typically use rubbing alcohol. Usually rubbing alcohol is used never. If he even brings up the notion of rubbing alcohol, chances are he is horribly abusing it. It's no wonder that an estimated 64% of the US population has a hopeless addiction to rubbing alcohol, or as some people call it, The Devil's Aloe.

...how can I get him to buy his own?
Passive aggressiveness is the best route in making sure he is not hogging all over your rubbing alcohol. Just be really loud about how the rubbing alcohol is going so fast and how you don't have much money because you use rubbing alcohol oh so much. If he's a gentleman, he'll at least take a hint and go halvesies on the next bottle. If not, you'll have to take drastic measures and break up with him. Seriously, if someone cannot fess up to drinking your rubbing alcohol, they'll never be ready to face commitment.

...should I care?
One time, after an especially hard break-up, I watched the film Brave Little Toaster for a week straight. Does that mean I really like the Brave Little Toaster? A little. Does it mean I had something bigger going on with my life and the antics of household appliances and the songs they sang gave me a light at the end of the tunnel? Moreso than me legitimately liking the movie. This rubbing alcohol thing is only a phase. Just because your boyfriend drinks rubbing alcohol for the past 2 weeks does not mean that he'll drink it tomorrow. If it makes you feel any better, it's because of something you did.

Info Nugget: Five questions you should ask yourself before getting into a car while hitchhiking

Much like living in formerly dangerous neighborhoods, hitchhiking is slowly becoming a very bourgeois method of transportation. This, coupled with the price of gas makes exploiting people’s kindness seems like a no-brainer. You never know, someone could offer to give you a lift in a Lamborghini. Personally, getting a ride in a Lamborghini would be a bit emotional for me because here at The Guide’s HQ, I have placed a poster of a Lamborghini over a large hole in the wall Leon made when he tried to attack me because I didn’t put staples in the stapler. Every time I see a Lamborghini I can’t help but think of blood and tears. But for everyone else, riding in a Lamborighini? Pretty sweet.

As economical as it is, hitchhiking is not without its dangers. Here are five questions you should ask yourself before getting into a stranger’s vehicle.

Does this vehicle have an American flag on it?
A car that has the stars and stripes on it usually is usually a clear indication of a safe journey. The exception to this rule would be if a car is driven by a crazed murderer that thinks he’s Bestsy Ross and sews his victims’ skin into American flags. These things happen.

Did this person say I have a pretty mouth?
If not, he probably won’t ask you to do creepy stuff in exchange for a ride. But, on the other hand, love knows no boundaries and far be it beyond you to refuse to answer the door when it comes knocking.

Is this person a woman?
Women cannot drive. Taking a ride from one would greatly jeopardize your safety.

Does this person have a visible weapon?
A lot of people freak out when to guy that has a circular saw for a hand offers to give you a ride. On paper, your odds of dying at the hands of a man with a circular saw hand almost triple when you enter a vehicle driven by such a man, but that’s only on paper. What if you and your new hardware-handed companion find yourself in a Road Warrior-Esq situation? You must choose between logic and the plausibility of a Mel Gibson movie. These are the choices of adulthood.

Is this person driving a bus and asking me to pay a fare?
If he is, that’s not hitchhiking. That’s called “riding the bus.” Have some class, you’re a hitchhiker. Not some disease-ridden bag lady.

Price is Right Field Guide: Getting there

Welcome to the first of many installments on the subject of the etiquette and strategy involved in being a contestant on The Price Is Right. If you are reading this, or were ever hungover and spent a day off of work watching daytime television, you are undoubtedly interested in getting on this show. While tickets to a taping are free, you are not guaranteed to come on down. I find this most troublesome, as there is no reason to go to a Price is Right taping post-Barker unless you're screaming out numbers. The following are some ways you can assure yourself into becoming the next contestant on the Price is Right.

Be T.V. friendly
Since we are talking about a visual medium, you need to hit a benchmark of appearance tolerablity in order to be considered for guessing just how much that grill set is. In layman's terms, you cannot be fugly. If you are young, Price is Right demands you fall into a certain demographic before it shows you on TV. Are you the short but stout cute girl? Then you better hope you are cuter than the 50 others there. Are you athletic guy? Then you directly compete against other athletic people in a race of attractiveness. The same goes for old people, and trying to be the least unsightly one there.

Also, affirmative action requires at least one black person. So you can always try that.

Go with a group
Simply assemble a group to go, either through a rec. center trip or craigslist, and then break them down to make them feel like they are shit. Once they are putty in your hands, bring them to the taping. Make sure they act cheerful and fun to be around, and wield your large group into the auditorium. If one of them is picked to come on down, demand that they switch names with you and go down to the Contestants Row in their stead. The more people you have the better, but it can be a hassle to psychologically denature and build up a group more than 20 people. It's best to get help with this, or await a future guide, "How do I psychologically denature people?" Post-show ritual suicide is completely optional, but personally preferred.

Sell yourself
Drew Carey hates his life but you can be his ray of sunshine on a gloomy day, under the assumption that you give a very radiant and cost-effective blowjob. The plus side of this is that you can haggle a price with him, and keep upping the price until he stops at one he deems is the most reasonable. Of course, if the difference is too large, it will cause the yodeling man to fall off the mountain. Don't play hard to get too much, as he can easily get it from on of the Price is Right models. I think it's in their contract.

I actually attended a Price is Right taping myself trying to crack the secret to getting on stage. However, my original notes for this caper were written in a spot of drunken ingenuity. As such, my manuscript is barely legible and what can be made out makes little sense. Here is all I have so far. The ellipses (...) stand for things my sober mind could not comprehend:

Listen, all you need to do is be on her when she takes your tickets, but you need to offer your heart... If all the stickers have your name on them, then I guess you're up fuckcreek with out a shitpaddle... I didn't know they used ventriloquism(?) in these parts... Dressing room hi-jinks like that one movie... Man that big wheel is awesome, it just keeps going until it stops... I miss you, Glen.

So what I pieced together from this is that, if you befriend the woman that takes your tickets and don't have your name on all the stickers, you can hide in the dressing room and pretend you're a ventriloquist. This HAS to get you a spot on the show.

Also, that big wheel is pretty awesome, and I'm a tad gay when I'm drunk. Who knew?

How do I woo college cuties for healthy, fruitful relationships?

College is a time when certain urges come to a head. These urges revolve heavily around the opposite sex. Granted, these urges are no foreign matter to any male, but science has proven that at the age of 18, these urges come to a peak in most males. Coincidentally, the age of 18 typically marks the first or second year of college, where men may find themselves far away from home battling these inner demons. What are these urges, you ask? The specifics of what each man yearns for differs on a case to case basis, but for the most part a man yearns for an attractive female partner who…

• Will discuss the science-fiction works of Philip K. Dick
• Will play Contra with him.
• Laughs at people wearing Yellowcard t-shirts.
• Can crotchet elaborate pot holders that depict graphic scenes from WWI.

Wooing such a woman in college is difficult, but science, as it often does, has an answer. While men reach the aforementioned peak at the age of 18, women do not reach their Philip K. Dick/Contra/Yellowcard sucks/make fuckin’ sweet pot holders peak until the age of 30.

But rest assured, gentlemen. It is not impossible. Much like Mountain Dew, college cuties come in many flavors. And also like Mountain Dew, some of these flavors are disgusting and are only sold in Taco Bell.

Here are some of the more worthwhile types of women you will encounter on your college campus and sure-fire methods to woo them:

Attractive But Uncomfortably Quiet Girl
President Roosevelt addressed the nation with his famous quotation of “The problem with bitches is bitches always be talkin’,” he failed to realize how terrible the alternative is. Y’know, when bitches ain’t always be talkin’. The best way to win over an unconditionally quiet girl is to force her to do scenes from The Miracle Worker, where she plays Helen Keller and you play her teacher, Anne Sullivan, who must carry the burden of teaching her language. Which scene is up to you, but if I may, the water pump scene is very effective.

Art Chicks
You can identify a girl with an art major by the way she dresses. They typically look like they came straight from the 80s. The reason for this is the fact they did come straight from the 80s. If you can help one locate a time-machine to get back to her own time, she’ll be yours forever. Except you have to go back to the 80s with her. On second thought, ignore this type of girl.

Girl That Works at a Coffee Establishment
Simply order two of everything hot on the menu and horribly burn one of her coworkers with what you just bought. Like, if I was a woman, that would make me fall in love pretty damn fast.

Cutie With a Drastically Different Set of Beliefs Than Your Own
Beliefs can encompass anything from morals to religion. There really is no way for me to suggest a course of action that can be applied to everything single set of beliefs a girl could have. With that being said, I have had great success just handing these girls African Fertility Idols.

I realize this guide only applies to the heterosexual male seeking a female. For the gay readers looking for that college cutie, just sure you find someone that’s about your size. That way, you double your wardrobe. Fulfilling and economic.