Info Nugget: Five questions you should ask yourself before getting into a car while hitchhiking

Much like living in formerly dangerous neighborhoods, hitchhiking is slowly becoming a very bourgeois method of transportation. This, coupled with the price of gas makes exploiting people’s kindness seems like a no-brainer. You never know, someone could offer to give you a lift in a Lamborghini. Personally, getting a ride in a Lamborghini would be a bit emotional for me because here at The Guide’s HQ, I have placed a poster of a Lamborghini over a large hole in the wall Leon made when he tried to attack me because I didn’t put staples in the stapler. Every time I see a Lamborghini I can’t help but think of blood and tears. But for everyone else, riding in a Lamborighini? Pretty sweet.

As economical as it is, hitchhiking is not without its dangers. Here are five questions you should ask yourself before getting into a stranger’s vehicle.

Does this vehicle have an American flag on it?
A car that has the stars and stripes on it usually is usually a clear indication of a safe journey. The exception to this rule would be if a car is driven by a crazed murderer that thinks he’s Bestsy Ross and sews his victims’ skin into American flags. These things happen.

Did this person say I have a pretty mouth?
If not, he probably won’t ask you to do creepy stuff in exchange for a ride. But, on the other hand, love knows no boundaries and far be it beyond you to refuse to answer the door when it comes knocking.

Is this person a woman?
Women cannot drive. Taking a ride from one would greatly jeopardize your safety.

Does this person have a visible weapon?
A lot of people freak out when to guy that has a circular saw for a hand offers to give you a ride. On paper, your odds of dying at the hands of a man with a circular saw hand almost triple when you enter a vehicle driven by such a man, but that’s only on paper. What if you and your new hardware-handed companion find yourself in a Road Warrior-Esq situation? You must choose between logic and the plausibility of a Mel Gibson movie. These are the choices of adulthood.

Is this person driving a bus and asking me to pay a fare?
If he is, that’s not hitchhiking. That’s called “riding the bus.” Have some class, you’re a hitchhiker. Not some disease-ridden bag lady.