Price is Right Field Guide: Getting there

Welcome to the first of many installments on the subject of the etiquette and strategy involved in being a contestant on The Price Is Right. If you are reading this, or were ever hungover and spent a day off of work watching daytime television, you are undoubtedly interested in getting on this show. While tickets to a taping are free, you are not guaranteed to come on down. I find this most troublesome, as there is no reason to go to a Price is Right taping post-Barker unless you're screaming out numbers. The following are some ways you can assure yourself into becoming the next contestant on the Price is Right.

Be T.V. friendly
Since we are talking about a visual medium, you need to hit a benchmark of appearance tolerablity in order to be considered for guessing just how much that grill set is. In layman's terms, you cannot be fugly. If you are young, Price is Right demands you fall into a certain demographic before it shows you on TV. Are you the short but stout cute girl? Then you better hope you are cuter than the 50 others there. Are you athletic guy? Then you directly compete against other athletic people in a race of attractiveness. The same goes for old people, and trying to be the least unsightly one there.

Also, affirmative action requires at least one black person. So you can always try that.

Go with a group
Simply assemble a group to go, either through a rec. center trip or craigslist, and then break them down to make them feel like they are shit. Once they are putty in your hands, bring them to the taping. Make sure they act cheerful and fun to be around, and wield your large group into the auditorium. If one of them is picked to come on down, demand that they switch names with you and go down to the Contestants Row in their stead. The more people you have the better, but it can be a hassle to psychologically denature and build up a group more than 20 people. It's best to get help with this, or await a future guide, "How do I psychologically denature people?" Post-show ritual suicide is completely optional, but personally preferred.

Sell yourself
Drew Carey hates his life but you can be his ray of sunshine on a gloomy day, under the assumption that you give a very radiant and cost-effective blowjob. The plus side of this is that you can haggle a price with him, and keep upping the price until he stops at one he deems is the most reasonable. Of course, if the difference is too large, it will cause the yodeling man to fall off the mountain. Don't play hard to get too much, as he can easily get it from on of the Price is Right models. I think it's in their contract.

I actually attended a Price is Right taping myself trying to crack the secret to getting on stage. However, my original notes for this caper were written in a spot of drunken ingenuity. As such, my manuscript is barely legible and what can be made out makes little sense. Here is all I have so far. The ellipses (...) stand for things my sober mind could not comprehend:

Listen, all you need to do is be on her when she takes your tickets, but you need to offer your heart... If all the stickers have your name on them, then I guess you're up fuckcreek with out a shitpaddle... I didn't know they used ventriloquism(?) in these parts... Dressing room hi-jinks like that one movie... Man that big wheel is awesome, it just keeps going until it stops... I miss you, Glen.

So what I pieced together from this is that, if you befriend the woman that takes your tickets and don't have your name on all the stickers, you can hide in the dressing room and pretend you're a ventriloquist. This HAS to get you a spot on the show.

Also, that big wheel is pretty awesome, and I'm a tad gay when I'm drunk. Who knew?