How do I woo college cuties for healthy, fruitful relationships?

College is a time when certain urges come to a head. These urges revolve heavily around the opposite sex. Granted, these urges are no foreign matter to any male, but science has proven that at the age of 18, these urges come to a peak in most males. Coincidentally, the age of 18 typically marks the first or second year of college, where men may find themselves far away from home battling these inner demons. What are these urges, you ask? The specifics of what each man yearns for differs on a case to case basis, but for the most part a man yearns for an attractive female partner who…

• Will discuss the science-fiction works of Philip K. Dick
• Will play Contra with him.
• Laughs at people wearing Yellowcard t-shirts.
• Can crotchet elaborate pot holders that depict graphic scenes from WWI.

Wooing such a woman in college is difficult, but science, as it often does, has an answer. While men reach the aforementioned peak at the age of 18, women do not reach their Philip K. Dick/Contra/Yellowcard sucks/make fuckin’ sweet pot holders peak until the age of 30.

But rest assured, gentlemen. It is not impossible. Much like Mountain Dew, college cuties come in many flavors. And also like Mountain Dew, some of these flavors are disgusting and are only sold in Taco Bell.

Here are some of the more worthwhile types of women you will encounter on your college campus and sure-fire methods to woo them:

Attractive But Uncomfortably Quiet Girl
President Roosevelt addressed the nation with his famous quotation of “The problem with bitches is bitches always be talkin’,” he failed to realize how terrible the alternative is. Y’know, when bitches ain’t always be talkin’. The best way to win over an unconditionally quiet girl is to force her to do scenes from The Miracle Worker, where she plays Helen Keller and you play her teacher, Anne Sullivan, who must carry the burden of teaching her language. Which scene is up to you, but if I may, the water pump scene is very effective.

Art Chicks
You can identify a girl with an art major by the way she dresses. They typically look like they came straight from the 80s. The reason for this is the fact they did come straight from the 80s. If you can help one locate a time-machine to get back to her own time, she’ll be yours forever. Except you have to go back to the 80s with her. On second thought, ignore this type of girl.

Girl That Works at a Coffee Establishment
Simply order two of everything hot on the menu and horribly burn one of her coworkers with what you just bought. Like, if I was a woman, that would make me fall in love pretty damn fast.

Cutie With a Drastically Different Set of Beliefs Than Your Own
Beliefs can encompass anything from morals to religion. There really is no way for me to suggest a course of action that can be applied to everything single set of beliefs a girl could have. With that being said, I have had great success just handing these girls African Fertility Idols.

I realize this guide only applies to the heterosexual male seeking a female. For the gay readers looking for that college cutie, just sure you find someone that’s about your size. That way, you double your wardrobe. Fulfilling and economic.