Public Outcry: Excerpts of my new book

The Google Search Query that lead someone to this site: "murder in reno, nv - horse tranquilizer novel"

Our interpretation: Tell us about your new book?

Well, I'm glad that you showed interest in my life outside of the survival guide. For all of my life, I have only written about personal experiences and relating them to you so you never have to go through my suffering. My first foray into fiction is a mystery/cop/historical thriller called In the Thick of Time which follows a cop who can travel through time using a magic hat he found in a time capsule from 1790 as he tries to foil an assassination plot of his great great grandfather by a rival cop who also found a time traveling hat. Here is a little taste of it.

The desert air was dry. Very dry. Reno was not kind to plants this time of year, or ever really. It's a desert, you know. I took a long drag off of my cigarette and blew smoke at my best friend Jim Benjamin. He was currently making a sand castle, and I held contempt for everything he brought into the world. Seeing the castle get built reminded me of the the time-space continuum and that time traveling hat I found. How time is made up of nothing but sand, and somehow that makes a castle, but change one grain of sand with something else, like a car, and your castle looks completely different. The bell rang, and I took one last drag: recess was over.

Oh, forgot to mention, the cop is in the 1st grade. I feel that we don't see many young cops today, and it's really a shame because kids have a fantastic moral code. Because of this, his rival is 43 and jaded. I can tell you are hungry for more, so here is a scene where good cop Guy Copperton travels back in time.

Everything starts spinning. The brick walls become a solid red swirl as I feel like I'm falling through the ground. You see history and life run past you and you have that crystallizing moment where you remember that time is a river. Then again, this could have been helped by the horse tranquilizers.

Another thing I forgot, but something you could have taken from the query search that brought up my new mystery/cop/historical thriller called In the Thick of Time, is that cop Guy Copperton is addicted to horse tranqs. In the business, we call that character development.

Benjamin Franklin lifted up his snifter of brandy and exclaimed "To the future and all of the hats that will go with it." We both drank to it, but I spit mine back out because I knew about the poison planted by my cop rival, Schemer Rivalcop. With Franklin dead, the time traveling hats would not be invented, leaving me stranded in the freshly-born States. I found some schematics for the hat, and knew what I had to do. I took my last horse tranqulizer and got to work. Also, Ben Franklin was my dad. This is what Future Franklin Douglas warned me about. This was THE THICK OF TIME!

Did I just blow your mind? Then buy my book, available when I hear back from Scholastic any day now. Until then, just periodically check your local library's mystery/cop/historical thriller section for more!

What are some of the features GeoEye-1, Google’s new satellite?

For those not aware, on September 6th Google launched a rocket carrying the GeoEye-1 satellite into space. The GeoEye-1 is the most advanced commercial satellite to date, but what makes it really so advanced?

In a non-televised meeting with the press, I asked some questions to a panel of experts representing Google about what exactly this thing can do.

Okay, say I have this friend. Let’s call her Becky. Mind you we’re using “friend” in the loose sense of a word. I have reason to believe she might be quite the slut. Does the GeoEye-1 have any features that specifically track individuals and their slutty behavior?

Yes and no. The satellite is capable of taking high-res pictures of something as small as home plate on a baseball diamond, so it’s certainly possible that we could see an individual partake in slut-based behavior, provided that she is doing it outside in the daylight or we have toggled the “see through walls” feature on the satellite. Granted, this is a waste of resources and we would never abuse the satellite to track just one person…

Alright, but say someone like myself, an average Joe, would do the slut-tracking for you, y’know? Like is there anyway I can access these photographs for my own personal… research?

Most definitely not! That would be an invasion of privacy in the most extreme sense. Consequently, all babies born after 2010 will have a chip planted into their brain that transmits information to the GeoEye-1 that allows us to access information such as name, address, social security number, family history, income level, dating history, penis size, favorite movie, and preferred masturbation fantasy.

That is absolutely outrageous! Do you think the public will stand for this?! We should be entitled to use this technology prove once and for all that Becky truly is the man destroying succubus she appears to be! Okay, how about this: what if I paid you a monthly subscription free to access the Becky photos?

Again, that would be an invasion of personal privacy. We are obliged by a contract with the government not to accept payments from the general public in exchange for access to the satellite’s photos. However, the contract says nothing about exchanging access to the photos and letting us put this chip into your brain.

Really? So if you put that chip, which you so conveniently have about your person, into my brain, you guys will let me track Becky to my heart’s content?

Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

D.I.Y Time: Becoming a God

The cup and ball has delighted millions of all ages with it's complexity. It is one of the few toys that people have grown up with that remains challenging, no matter the age. Even with it's challenge, it is a standby for good times that millions of American's play daily during dead time at work, boring classes, or even in the kitchen when waiting for a roast. Yes, the cup and ball is far and away one of the greatest qualities of life and can accurately be portrayed as a gift from God and proves His existence.

But if you can make your own... does that make YOU the new God?

Step 1: Find a cup
Like our Great Creator/you, you are not limited in your pursuit of finding a satisfactory cup for your game of ball and cup. The preconception is that the ball and cup has to be hand held. Not so. With any size of bucket, people will adapt and learn how to follow your lead as a ball and cup player/Lord. It is also an option to not even follow these directions and use some alternative concave object, like a hat. Some people might say that it doesn't work and that the cup was the best option, but you can just call them heretics and have them burned at the stake in your name.

Step 2: Find a ball
The ball you choose should probably be smaller than the cup you have. Probably. It doesn't matter though, you're gonna be a God now. You can set a new standard for ball and cup and say "thou doth only cup the ball with a ball bigger than thy cup" and BAM! Your shoddy workmanship is covered by calling blasphemy on naysayers.

Step 3: Find a String
The string is the unsung hero in ball and cup, because it is the only part of this game that does not get name dropped in its name. It's a shame, because the string is no doubt the single most important part of the game, besides the cup and ball. The string is what holds the two items together, no matter how ridiculous they are sized. There might be some confusion here, because instead of calling it the string, they call it BS and blind faith.

Step 4: You're a God!
Fuck yea!

Episode Guide: Season 1 of the Bernie Mac Show

Almost a month has passed since beloved entertainer Bernie Mac has passed on and my B-Mac-O-Meter (a scientific device that quantitatively measures the popularity of Bernie Mac) reads higher than ever. Before you question the validity of such a device, I have one thing to say to you: fuck off. Calibrating devices to measure fame of black celebrities has always been a passion of mine since childhood. Sadly, out of the many I’ve made (16, if I remember correctly) only the Bernie Mac one has worked. Furthermore, I have been instructed by my lawyer not to field any questions on the coincidence that the completion of my B-Mac-Meter and the death of Bernie Mac occurred on the same day.

Episode 1 (Pilot)
Bernie Mac has his sister’s children move in with him and his wife. Because they are not a direct fruit of his loins, he forces the children to live in a cupboard underneath the stairs. Mac finds out the hard way that the children are not only capable of using magic, but are also destined to hone their abilities at a school for witches and wizards. The kids are taken to their new school by means of a flying car. Shortly after, Snape kills Dumbledore.
Note: Everything that took place in the pilot is never referenced again in the series. Bernie Mac called do-over on series claiming, “it didn’t have enough magic.” Oddly enough, magic never appeared again in the show.

Episode 6
The kids want a dog and Bernie Mac, a man who always wanted a dog himself, agrees. The family buys a dog. Somehow this takes up 30 minutes.

Episode 9
Bernie’s sister returns from Chicago to take her kids back. Everything seems like it’s working out, but something doesn’t sit well with Bernie. By violently working his way up a crime family located near his house, Bernie finds out that the woman Bernie thought was his sister is an impostor who plans to sell the children into sexual slavery. This is also the Christmas special.

Episode 16
In an effort to spite viewers, episode 16 is actually just the Die Hard 2 trailer looped while the audio of Bernie Mac’s stand up routine plays in the back. This particular episode is what nominated the show for its two Emmy Awards.

Episode 22 (Season Finale)
I’m going to be honest, I really only watch Fox for Seinfeld and The Simpsons. I missed this one.

D.I.Y Time: Pet Sematary

The pet sematary is an old stand-by for anyone who didn't have a chance to say goodbye, or who just wanted to see their loved ones resurrected as an embodiment of evil. The sematary (not to be confused with the acceptable and common spelling "cemetary") is great in a party atmosphere, where people can bring their dead pets and relatives to get crunk with them once more. The benefits of having a pet sematary are no doubt bountiful, so why don't you have one? Sure, the kits you can by from Home Depot are costly, but that doesn't mean you can't play God! Here is a quick guide on how to build your own field of broken dreams.

1. Find an ancient Indian burial ground
Indians, or most specifically in this case their remains, posses mystic powers that will cause all sorts of kooky things to happen on the surface. If you are trying to find an organically made Indian burial ground, try around the Midwest. If you do not care about geography and just need an Indian burial ground now, you have two options: 1.) genocide and mass grave and 2.) go back in time, spot prime Indian burial real-estate, become mayor of the town that the real-estate is in, make a sanction that prohibits people building their unless they have the birthmark that you have, and then move in when you go back to the future. Personally, number 1 is easier.

2. Arrange the runes
You actually do not need legit runes, but rather just stones you can pick up at the Home Depot (they have everything.) For maximum resurrections/corruption rate, arrange the stones after the cave sign the Indians had for bulls, which granted them sustenance for decades. An aerial view of your developing pet sematary should look like this.

Make sure you bury your loved one on the bull's shaft-like torso.

3. Foreshadowing
In order for your pet sematary to work properly, you must be told about it by a local mystic or Indian and must do little in heeding his warning. It doesn't matter if you like him or not, because he'll die right before the climax.

4. Hire the Ramones to sing a song about it
The Ramones have made it clear that they don't want to be buried in a pet sematary (on account of not wanting to live their life again.) In the christening of your burial ground, please employ the remaining Ramones members to play your sematary. Not only is this good luck, but the song is kinda good, too.