For those not aware, on September 6th Google launched a rocket carrying the GeoEye-1 satellite into space. The GeoEye-1 is the most advanced commercial satellite to date, but what makes it really so advanced?
In a non-televised meeting with the press, I asked some questions to a panel of experts representing Google about what exactly this thing can do.
Okay, say I have this friend. Let’s call her Becky. Mind you we’re using “friend” in the loose sense of a word. I have reason to believe she might be quite the slut. Does the GeoEye-1 have any features that specifically track individuals and their slutty behavior?
Yes and no. The satellite is capable of taking high-res pictures of something as small as home plate on a baseball diamond, so it’s certainly possible that we could see an individual partake in slut-based behavior, provided that she is doing it outside in the daylight or we have toggled the “see through walls” feature on the satellite. Granted, this is a waste of resources and we would never abuse the satellite to track just one person…
Alright, but say someone like myself, an average Joe, would do the slut-tracking for you, y’know? Like is there anyway I can access these photographs for my own personal… research?
Most definitely not! That would be an invasion of privacy in the most extreme sense. Consequently, all babies born after 2010 will have a chip planted into their brain that transmits information to the GeoEye-1 that allows us to access information such as name, address, social security number, family history, income level, dating history, penis size, favorite movie, and preferred masturbation fantasy.
That is absolutely outrageous! Do you think the public will stand for this?! We should be entitled to use this technology prove once and for all that Becky truly is the man destroying succubus she appears to be! Okay, how about this: what if I paid you a monthly subscription free to access the Becky photos?
Again, that would be an invasion of personal privacy. We are obliged by a contract with the government not to accept payments from the general public in exchange for access to the satellite’s photos. However, the contract says nothing about exchanging access to the photos and letting us put this chip into your brain.
Really? So if you put that chip, which you so conveniently have about your person, into my brain, you guys will let me track Becky to my heart’s content?
Yeah. Sure. Whatever.
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