D.I.Y Time: Pet Sematary

The pet sematary is an old stand-by for anyone who didn't have a chance to say goodbye, or who just wanted to see their loved ones resurrected as an embodiment of evil. The sematary (not to be confused with the acceptable and common spelling "cemetary") is great in a party atmosphere, where people can bring their dead pets and relatives to get crunk with them once more. The benefits of having a pet sematary are no doubt bountiful, so why don't you have one? Sure, the kits you can by from Home Depot are costly, but that doesn't mean you can't play God! Here is a quick guide on how to build your own field of broken dreams.

1. Find an ancient Indian burial ground
Indians, or most specifically in this case their remains, posses mystic powers that will cause all sorts of kooky things to happen on the surface. If you are trying to find an organically made Indian burial ground, try around the Midwest. If you do not care about geography and just need an Indian burial ground now, you have two options: 1.) genocide and mass grave and 2.) go back in time, spot prime Indian burial real-estate, become mayor of the town that the real-estate is in, make a sanction that prohibits people building their unless they have the birthmark that you have, and then move in when you go back to the future. Personally, number 1 is easier.

2. Arrange the runes
You actually do not need legit runes, but rather just stones you can pick up at the Home Depot (they have everything.) For maximum resurrections/corruption rate, arrange the stones after the cave sign the Indians had for bulls, which granted them sustenance for decades. An aerial view of your developing pet sematary should look like this.

Make sure you bury your loved one on the bull's shaft-like torso.

3. Foreshadowing
In order for your pet sematary to work properly, you must be told about it by a local mystic or Indian and must do little in heeding his warning. It doesn't matter if you like him or not, because he'll die right before the climax.

4. Hire the Ramones to sing a song about it
The Ramones have made it clear that they don't want to be buried in a pet sematary (on account of not wanting to live their life again.) In the christening of your burial ground, please employ the remaining Ramones members to play your sematary. Not only is this good luck, but the song is kinda good, too.