Public Outcry: October

Halloween marks the last day of October, which means it’s time for this month’s edition of Public Outcry. Here are some google searches that have led information-thirsting individuals to our humble guide. The following are subjects the public demanded to know more about:

• How [do I] become politically aware?

If you find yourself suddenly wanting to become politically aware, chances are you’re in college and desperately trying to reinvent your image. Nonetheless, a politically aware you is probably marginally better than regular you, but why settle for a new identity that is only marginally better? You’ll blow everybody on campus away with any of these significantly more awesome identities:

• A Juggalo that’s majoring in interior design

• A pro-choice mime

• A film geek that only talks about movies with Martin Lawrence in them

• A founder of an underground society thats prejudice towards people who wear surfer necklaces

• A huge douchebag

Above: a mime shows his firm stance on the abortion issue.

• The everyday life of a marine iguana

Marine iguanas differ from regular iguanas in two ways: one, they forage for food in the sea and two, they have crippling low self esteem. The self esteem issue arouse as a result of Charles Darwin. When Darwin was visiting the Galapagos to research The Origin of Species, he used his free time to endlessly taunt the lizards; he used a high pitched voice to imitate them as he ran up and down the beaches with his pants hiked up at an uncomfortable level.

As such, a marine iguana’s daily schedule looks something like this.

6:00 AM: Wake up
8:00 AM: Cry
10:00 AM: Cry
12:00 PM: Eat
2:00 PM: Cry
4:00 PM: Eat
6:00 PM: Cry
8:00 PM: Sunbathe
10:00 PM: Eat
12:00 AM: Fall asleep crying

Because of the similarities in their behavior, rich pregnant bitches in LA are often confused for marine iguanas.

• What happens if I put a soda can in the microwave?

Are you kidding me? I have no problem answering questions about the Galapagos, but you have the audacity to ask me something you can do from the comfort of your own home? Quit being a pussy. Fucking A.

Safety First: Halloweening

Halloween is one of the only holidays still around where the public eye can personally witness how stupid their kids truly are. Recent research shows that, when a kid's stupidity is measured on a 1-10 scale on non-Halloween days, they usually rank in at cuntaroonie. Halloween activities make matters worse, where masks, candy and the macabre often act as multipliers towards the kids culminated retardocity. This is why kids everywhere have been debriefed safety tips over and over again, in hopes to get it into their very thick skulls. There is no need for the Survival Guide to Everyday Life to repeat such a useless venture, so instead, we cut out the middle man and offer advice to the reason your kids need to learn to look both ways: The drunk driver.

Don't hit shiny things - Parents already take artistic liberties with their kid's costumes. Pretty princesses have bike-reflectors sewn into their dresses, and ninjas become covered with neon glow sticks as a last ditch effort to make sure their kids do not get hit. But Goddammit, do they have to be that bright? I mean, I like this street because it's dark and shit, but it's Halloween, there's stupid shiny shit everywhere. It use to be just in yards, but its in the street now? They could be shinier, and these cans are shiny, so you should just chuck this at them or something. It'll help but... fuck, man.

Start early - Like a normal Wednesday, make sure you start drinking pre-lunch. The trick here is to stop drinking and forget about any sort of family issues by 3pm and be somewhat capable of driving by when you leave at 6. But it is hard to forget why she left you. I mean, fuck man, you're just doing what you can do, and it's not like the chem mines were your idea. No fucking way they weren't. Someday, you'll show them, you'll show all of them about that shit and stuff.

Remember: this is the only day that you will not be dubbed a local hero for running over the Wolfman.

Honk/yell often - Kids are loud. Too loud. You can hardly hear yourself think over all of their laughing and screaming. I mean, some people really don't need this yelling shit right now. However, when you yourself yell, it is a calming experience that can help clear your mind of some of it's cobwebs and offer some clarity in your life. Also, by uncontrollably honking your horn and yelling obscenities to the 7-year-old passerbys, they know your presence, and you can concentrate on just how much you hate yourself and your stupid car and this stupid life.

Get home - You are your safest to yourself and everyone when you are at home, so it doesn't take a rocket psychologist to realize that the faster you drive home, the safer everyone around you will be. Seriously, why the crap is everyone blurry this year? Last year was Pokemon, this year is fucking blurry things. Kids are dumb. If you had a kid, he wouldn't be dumb. He'd be just like you. Fucking awesome. You'd party together and do it with bitches all the time. Shit.

House Calls: Whiskey Pits

For today, I originally wanted to do a beginner’s guide to the Wiccan subculture. However, during the research process I made an inadvertent medical discovery.

My associate Leon Firestone and I started our probing research into the Wiccan way of life in the typical quantitative fashion. We bought three-dozen scented candles, a poster with satanic messages, five Tupperware containers (which we then filled with ram’s blood) and a handle of Jack Daniel’s whisky. Leon set up what he believed to be a scene for Wiccan practices and began to role-play as three elderly witches while taking notes. During this time, I drank heavily. Leon, concerned about the excessive amount of alcohol I was consuming, inquired what was the purpose of the whiskey. I told him it was “for science” and proceeded to get blackout drunk.

The next morning, I awoke to two starting discoveries. First off, I was wearing lipstick, something I distinctly remember making an effort not to do. Secondly, I noticed I had two swollen lumps located in each armpit. Each lump was sore to the touch and hurt with excessive arm rotation.

I had just discovered the first textbook case of “Whiskey Pits.”

Initially, I was immediately concerned I had contracted the bubonic plague, which had the distinguishing feature of large bumps appearing on the victims body. My concern passed when I realized dying of a disease that hasn’t been around for hundreds of years was a pretty rock star way to die. Concerned passed even further when I spent some time on WebMD and it was clear that I was not suffering from the black plague.

Although I knew what I wasn’t suffering from, I had no idea what I was suffering from. My further searches of “Whiskey + Armpit” on WebMD brought me no new information.

However, I did learn about the true nature of the ailment referred to as “Whiskey Dick.” Originally, I thought it was a condition that caused 80-proof alcohol to spray from one’s member. I remember putting such an ailment on my Christmas list as a child, wishing tirelessly that Saint Nick would curse me with such a wonderful pox. Thanks to WebMD, I am grateful he did not.

But I digress. Through extensive testing, I have collected the following information on the new phenomenon known as Whiskey Pits.

• Whiskey Pits can be contracted from extensive whiskey consumption. Curious of my findings, I tried other kinds of alcohol. To my knowledge, Tequila Arms and Jager Tits do not exist.

• The scientific reasoning behind Whisky Pits is as follows: alcohol makes your body dehydrated. Under extreme dehydration, your body forms giant fluid lumps in your armpits that serve the same purpose as a camel’s hump.

• Whiskey Pits is nonfatal, even if left untreated. At it’s worst it’s negligible and completely dismissible. Like a learning disability.

• There are only two cures for Whiskey Pits: extra hydration or more whiskey. The latter works for two reasons: more whiskey will no longer make you cognizant of your ailment and if you drink enough additional whiskey, it will cause your arm polyps to burst, thus solving your problem.

How do I plagiarize effectively?

"According to the Virtual Writing Center, 'According to Webster's New World Dictionary, to plagiarize is to 'take the ideas, writings, etc. from another and pass them off as one's own.' When you do this, you are committing a form of academic dishonesty. In actuality, plagiarism is a type of stealing. The person whose ideas or sentences you are passing off as your own has worked hard to write down his or her ideas. If you just copy another's work, you are not really working at all, you are not learning anything, you are not processing the information in any way. In fact, you are just copying.'

This brings up a valuable point. How can one plagiarize well enough to where it is not actually plagiarism?

Did you know... that Plagiarism means "Hot Pocket" in Latin? And that Hot Pocket means "The Homestead Act" in Mandarin?

The virtual writing center goes on to say that 'You can do this by summarizing or paraphrasing the material.' I call bullshit on this. If you are that afraid of getting caught that you rewrite something in your own words, then you are not a true student. Depending on how long the paper you are writing is suppose to be, either take away words or choose bigger words in order to stretch out sentences. For example take this phrase I wrote in the 1930's (You can tell it is quote because of the indents):

I fantasize that my offspring will some day inhabit a country where they are not judged by their skin color but by how they act.

Let's say someone wanted to use it, but make it their own so they would not be caught with plagiarism, but also, they are kinda lazy. They can add, subtract, or use bigger words as we see here:

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

As you can see, you can slightly change what I said years and years ago, and mangle it into the "I have a dream" speech that I got no credit for writing. Plagiarism is a major tool in this way, for it helps you stand on the shoulders of giants. Giants that were too before their time and too white to make a difference.

Also, just put quotation marks around everything, just in case. This works 90% of the time, unless your paper is steeped in innuendos and wordplay like the following example:

According to the Christian Science Monitor, "a local man was murdered from the sexual assault by a pack of feral dogs that were roving the forest" and it looks like he doesn't like it "ruff."

What the hell does this statement even mean? Why does the author cite that the CSM said the word "ruff" outside of the main quote? This is because the author thinks that he is being clever and quoted ""ruff"" to wink at his adoring audience. Not only is it not funny to put quotes around things that can be construed as innuendo, but it messes with the citation and the reader. Keep this in mind when dealing with pack of feral dogs on man sexual assault." (Boone, 1963)

Writing Workshop: Creative Writing Exercises

In the creative writing scene, one may have heard things like “it’s important to write every day” or “Mr. Jones is retarded.” If I may be so bold to go against the grain, I would like to clarify something: repetition will not make you a better writer.

Also, I am not legally retarded. I used to bag groceries at a super market, oftentimes while staring at nothing while my tongue hanging out because I was tripping balls, so I understand where the confusion could come from.

But I digress. For your writing pleasure, I have created some creative writing exercises to help better your writing. Remember: repetition is a tool of futility! Each exercise need only be performed once!

Bus Station Personality Immersion Experience
Spend the evening at a bus station. Wait for someone vulnerable who lacks the company of others and mug them. After rifling through their wallet or purse and pocketing cash and major credit cards, take a look at a picture ID of theirs. What do you think about this person? What do you think their hobbies are? Do they seem popular? Write about how you imagined their sixteenth birthday went. If the person doesn’t have a picture ID, mug someone else.

Intra-Personal Mosaic Activity
Write about yourself in the fifth person. Hint: the fifth person is from the point of view of your fictitious, homosexual Siamese twin. After you finish writing, cut out all the words and paste them in such a way it looks like a portrait of yourself.

Peer Editing
Take an emerging piece of writing to a friend and have them critique it. Afterwards, write about how much you hate your friend and how he doesn’t understand your genius.