Public Outcry: October

Halloween marks the last day of October, which means it’s time for this month’s edition of Public Outcry. Here are some google searches that have led information-thirsting individuals to our humble guide. The following are subjects the public demanded to know more about:

• How [do I] become politically aware?

If you find yourself suddenly wanting to become politically aware, chances are you’re in college and desperately trying to reinvent your image. Nonetheless, a politically aware you is probably marginally better than regular you, but why settle for a new identity that is only marginally better? You’ll blow everybody on campus away with any of these significantly more awesome identities:

• A Juggalo that’s majoring in interior design

• A pro-choice mime

• A film geek that only talks about movies with Martin Lawrence in them

• A founder of an underground society thats prejudice towards people who wear surfer necklaces

• A huge douchebag

Above: a mime shows his firm stance on the abortion issue.

• The everyday life of a marine iguana

Marine iguanas differ from regular iguanas in two ways: one, they forage for food in the sea and two, they have crippling low self esteem. The self esteem issue arouse as a result of Charles Darwin. When Darwin was visiting the Galapagos to research The Origin of Species, he used his free time to endlessly taunt the lizards; he used a high pitched voice to imitate them as he ran up and down the beaches with his pants hiked up at an uncomfortable level.

As such, a marine iguana’s daily schedule looks something like this.

6:00 AM: Wake up
8:00 AM: Cry
10:00 AM: Cry
12:00 PM: Eat
2:00 PM: Cry
4:00 PM: Eat
6:00 PM: Cry
8:00 PM: Sunbathe
10:00 PM: Eat
12:00 AM: Fall asleep crying

Because of the similarities in their behavior, rich pregnant bitches in LA are often confused for marine iguanas.

• What happens if I put a soda can in the microwave?

Are you kidding me? I have no problem answering questions about the Galapagos, but you have the audacity to ask me something you can do from the comfort of your own home? Quit being a pussy. Fucking A.