How do I plagiarize effectively?

"According to the Virtual Writing Center, 'According to Webster's New World Dictionary, to plagiarize is to 'take the ideas, writings, etc. from another and pass them off as one's own.' When you do this, you are committing a form of academic dishonesty. In actuality, plagiarism is a type of stealing. The person whose ideas or sentences you are passing off as your own has worked hard to write down his or her ideas. If you just copy another's work, you are not really working at all, you are not learning anything, you are not processing the information in any way. In fact, you are just copying.'

This brings up a valuable point. How can one plagiarize well enough to where it is not actually plagiarism?

Did you know... that Plagiarism means "Hot Pocket" in Latin? And that Hot Pocket means "The Homestead Act" in Mandarin?

The virtual writing center goes on to say that 'You can do this by summarizing or paraphrasing the material.' I call bullshit on this. If you are that afraid of getting caught that you rewrite something in your own words, then you are not a true student. Depending on how long the paper you are writing is suppose to be, either take away words or choose bigger words in order to stretch out sentences. For example take this phrase I wrote in the 1930's (You can tell it is quote because of the indents):

I fantasize that my offspring will some day inhabit a country where they are not judged by their skin color but by how they act.

Let's say someone wanted to use it, but make it their own so they would not be caught with plagiarism, but also, they are kinda lazy. They can add, subtract, or use bigger words as we see here:

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

As you can see, you can slightly change what I said years and years ago, and mangle it into the "I have a dream" speech that I got no credit for writing. Plagiarism is a major tool in this way, for it helps you stand on the shoulders of giants. Giants that were too before their time and too white to make a difference.

Also, just put quotation marks around everything, just in case. This works 90% of the time, unless your paper is steeped in innuendos and wordplay like the following example:

According to the Christian Science Monitor, "a local man was murdered from the sexual assault by a pack of feral dogs that were roving the forest" and it looks like he doesn't like it "ruff."

What the hell does this statement even mean? Why does the author cite that the CSM said the word "ruff" outside of the main quote? This is because the author thinks that he is being clever and quoted ""ruff"" to wink at his adoring audience. Not only is it not funny to put quotes around things that can be construed as innuendo, but it messes with the citation and the reader. Keep this in mind when dealing with pack of feral dogs on man sexual assault." (Boone, 1963)