House Calls: Whiskey Pits

For today, I originally wanted to do a beginner’s guide to the Wiccan subculture. However, during the research process I made an inadvertent medical discovery.

My associate Leon Firestone and I started our probing research into the Wiccan way of life in the typical quantitative fashion. We bought three-dozen scented candles, a poster with satanic messages, five Tupperware containers (which we then filled with ram’s blood) and a handle of Jack Daniel’s whisky. Leon set up what he believed to be a scene for Wiccan practices and began to role-play as three elderly witches while taking notes. During this time, I drank heavily. Leon, concerned about the excessive amount of alcohol I was consuming, inquired what was the purpose of the whiskey. I told him it was “for science” and proceeded to get blackout drunk.

The next morning, I awoke to two starting discoveries. First off, I was wearing lipstick, something I distinctly remember making an effort not to do. Secondly, I noticed I had two swollen lumps located in each armpit. Each lump was sore to the touch and hurt with excessive arm rotation.

I had just discovered the first textbook case of “Whiskey Pits.”

Initially, I was immediately concerned I had contracted the bubonic plague, which had the distinguishing feature of large bumps appearing on the victims body. My concern passed when I realized dying of a disease that hasn’t been around for hundreds of years was a pretty rock star way to die. Concerned passed even further when I spent some time on WebMD and it was clear that I was not suffering from the black plague.

Although I knew what I wasn’t suffering from, I had no idea what I was suffering from. My further searches of “Whiskey + Armpit” on WebMD brought me no new information.

However, I did learn about the true nature of the ailment referred to as “Whiskey Dick.” Originally, I thought it was a condition that caused 80-proof alcohol to spray from one’s member. I remember putting such an ailment on my Christmas list as a child, wishing tirelessly that Saint Nick would curse me with such a wonderful pox. Thanks to WebMD, I am grateful he did not.

But I digress. Through extensive testing, I have collected the following information on the new phenomenon known as Whiskey Pits.

• Whiskey Pits can be contracted from extensive whiskey consumption. Curious of my findings, I tried other kinds of alcohol. To my knowledge, Tequila Arms and Jager Tits do not exist.

• The scientific reasoning behind Whisky Pits is as follows: alcohol makes your body dehydrated. Under extreme dehydration, your body forms giant fluid lumps in your armpits that serve the same purpose as a camel’s hump.

• Whiskey Pits is nonfatal, even if left untreated. At it’s worst it’s negligible and completely dismissible. Like a learning disability.

• There are only two cures for Whiskey Pits: extra hydration or more whiskey. The latter works for two reasons: more whiskey will no longer make you cognizant of your ailment and if you drink enough additional whiskey, it will cause your arm polyps to burst, thus solving your problem.