How do I create an accurate self-portait?

Step 1: Place mirrors strategically - No matter where you look, you should be able to see yourself. It should feel like you are in that scene from Being John Malkovich, where everyone is John Malkovich. Only in this case, everyone is you. Fat, miserable you. This can be done by renting out a funhouse for a night or taking a couple of mirrors to a rec center's ballet practice room that you broke into.

Step 2: Study your facial features - Stare into the mirror for approximately 2 hours. In this time, examine the intricacies of your face and your body's structure. Take this time to go over the mental preparation of the process you have to go through in order to best capture the smaller, finer rolls of your neck. Notice your prominent brow and think about how you will have to commit that to canvas.

Step 3: Draw a rough trace of yourself - This is where you need to create a rough outline of yourself and how much space on the canvas you will take up. Since your sheer size forces you to use more than 3/4ths of the canvas, but also allowing some room for your big hair and prehensile tail.

Step 4: Adding the finer details - This is where you really start to detail how uneven your eyes are. Beyond the basic facial features, make sure to add visual pop to any scar or birth defect that you are personally embarrassed by. Try to use those small details to tell a story of how you got that scar to the person looking at your picture. Visual clues are sure to bring to light the scars from those 7 years you spent living in a junkyard or all those times you got your head stuck in banisters.

Step 5: Appraising the final product - Show this to your close family members and ask them to be blunt on whether or not this looks like you. They will most likely say it is a dead-on representation. Take that at slightly lower than face-value. Look at the painting again. Begin to cry quietly.