How do I find my credit score?

In this day and age, your credit score can make or break you. Unfortunately, a lot of consumers don’t know exactly how their credit scores are calculated. However, on the plus side, you can find your credit score by taking the sum of the following:

• 10 percent of your total expenditures on things your parents wouldn’t want to know your buying. This includes collectible crap off eBay, vibrating ring condoms, and things with Bill Murray’s face on them.

• Half of the weight of the ugliest person you ever dated. Make sure you’re talking pounds, here. I personally derive sexual pleasure from weighing women in kilos, but in the interest of an accurate credit score, stick to the English system.

• The amount of televisions, fridges, computers, and stereos in your home multiplied by the number of family members that talk to you. This section makes it difficult for orphans who are applying for loans. Banks look at this especially to keep them in check and stop them from going all willy-nilly and buying boathouses.

Do you know who owns this boat house? Neither do I, but you bet your ass they have parents.

• Three times the number of people that have suggested you watch Boondock Saints with them. Remember: if you’re at a social gathering when someone suggests watching the movie, make sure you count everyone that agrees with him or her.

By using this method, my credit score came out to 875, almost a perfect 900.