How do I create the next smash-hit stoner comedy?

Like it or not, stoner comedies are becoming a well-defined sub genre in the film industry. The reason for this is simple:" weed + anything = better than just that anything by itself."No matter what happens in our lifetimes, going to the movies completely blazed will remain one life’s simplest joys, just as God intended. With that being said, some movies simply do not offer themselves very well to the weed experience. In fact, studies have shown that test groups under the influence of marijuana enjoyed the movie Casablanca more when they rubbed the film reel against their genitals then actually sitting and watching the movie. But what makes the stoner comedy so special is that the targeted demographic is people that are blazed. These are the movies that speak their language, and as an aspiring filmmaker, it is in your best interest to become proficient in this language.

I have taken it upon myself to do the necessary research.

A good friend of mine informed me that Strange Wilderness was pretty good as far as stoner comedies go, so I told him to round up a group of people that were going to be completely baked and I would sit in with my notebook and conduct research. I remained sober for this experiment so I could maintain full use of my analytical mind and also because I am tri-weekly donator to my local sperm bank. I regretfully admit that sperm, much like many a fishnet-clad woman walking the street after 2 A.M., is my livelihood.

My findings are as followed:

Bongs are hilarious.
Within the first twenty minutes Justin Long’s character takes a hit off a skull shaped bong and everyone in the room clapped. I too clapped, but only because Ernest Borgnine was in this movie, and I’m a big fan. At first I thought maybe the round of applause was not because a bong was on screen but because the bong looked like a skull. I asked everyone in the room if skulls were funny and I was met with a resounding “No, dude.” I then immediately followed the question up with another, where I asked if bongs were awesome. More clapping commenced.

Hot chicks having sex is awesome.
Later in the film, a busty woman shows her breasts and has intercourse on a surveillance camera. More clapping commenced. Once again, I felt I was on the verge of an amazing discovery. I paused the movie and asked everyone to direct their attention to my computer, where I subjected the group to three pictures. Two of the pictures were of hardcore pornography and another one was a picture of Emily Dickenson not having sex. The pornography was met with applause and the picture of Dickenson received no applause save for one gentleman who didn’t understand the question.

Looking at a dude’s genitals is not gay but hilarious, as long as his package is horribly mutilated.
Even later in the film, there is a guy who has had his junk horribly destroyed. I don’t remember how. Probably a boating accident. Boating accidents are generally accepted as bad places for your penis to be exposed during. Anyway, he shows it off and it is terrifying. But instead of what I expected (guys yelling “THAT’S GAY!”) it received more laugher and applause. I then exposed my penis to the group. Turns out, that was gay.

In summary: in order to create a good stoner comedy, one must have bongs, hot chicks having sex, and fucked up dicks.

Also, do not expose yourself to your friends without warning. This really isn’t advice on the stoner comedy as it is just general life advice.