How do I celebrate American Heart Health month?

January is a special month, not only because it is the first of the new year or of Martin Luther day, but because it is a month that asks you the seldom-asked question of "is my American heart healthy?" We aim to answer that question with a simple "of course it is." Your American heart is healthy because it is American, and American hearts never say die. Knowing this, you no longer have to ponder your vitality. You can instead just relax and enjoy American Heart Month without all of the cholesterol tests and tracing your family history of heart disease. Here are ways that we Americans can celebrate having the most healthiest Goddamn hearts.

Food makes everything happy
Celebrate your heart by gorging on all the things you would not eat if you had an unhealthy heart (impossible for Americans, but just pretend you are from Canada.) My rule of thumb is to only eat food that would be found at circuses and carnivals. Funnel cakes and other deep-fried desserts should command your attention through every meal, from breakfast, brunch, lunch, linner and dinner. I suggest you pick up a personal deep fryer for this month, and experiment with Twinkies and candy bars. If you already eat these food items throughout the year, slow down and let the rest of us lesser-Americans catch up : ). (<-this is a period, not an age spot on a smiley. those are disgusting and utterly not American) Put your heart on display
As heart is also the symbol for love, make sure everyone knows how much you love them by putting your heart out there. Leave it in the open, put it in a glass box, or wear it on your sleeve, if you enjoy wordplay as much as I do. While scientists are still discussing whether or not it is healthy to have your heart outside your body for an extended period of time, you should be alright as long as you can get a cheap but effective surgeon to take it out and put it back in once February rolls around. If you have scruples about cutting your heart out and parading it around, I suggest just creating a window into your chest cavity, as you never know when it will become useful. Also, this is American Heart month, and if you do not show your heart, I suggest you get the fuck off our land.

Go to the Leon Firestone and Mr. Jones Heart Conservatory
For an evening or a week, there is no better place than the Leon Firestone and Mr. Jones Heart Conservatory. Closed to the public for every other month, we open the conservatory to the masses during January so onlookers can see the many differences between animal hearts and homeless human hearts. Each heart comes accompanied with a plaque describing who or what it belonged to, and to what lengths we went to obtain it for our private-gone-public collection. Let us charm you with our personal tours every 30 minutes, and are open from 8 AM to 5 PM. Open bar. Americans only.