Legal Matters: Why The Guide Isn't Racist

We have gotten many emails on the subject of the last post on the subject of celebrating MLK day. The majority of which stated that in an effort to not be racist, we may have actually been more racist. I disagree, and allow me to explain why.

(Note: We also have received snail mail on the same subject. I have been told it is called snail mail because it is slower than email, but I was under the impression that it derived it’s name from the fact our mail carrier leaves a trail of viscous slime wherever he goes.)

When Leon started the guide, we knew we were going to change the world. But we wanted there to be an order to the madness (and by madness I mean greatness, and by greatness I mean balls awesome. Yes, that’s right, we wanted there to be an order to the balls awesome.) As such, we drew up a constitution that would frame our work in the field of informing the masses. I would like to take some time today and examine The Guide’s bylaws to prove we have conducted ourselves in a professional, ethical, and in a no-way-whatsoever racist manner.

Article 1/Our Mission Statement
The Guide will operate in a completely objective manner. All information will be presented in a manner of fact way, with diagrams as necessary. Also, the phrase “this writer’s opinion” will never appear in any Guide material. Except for in the last sentence, that’s the only time.

Why We’re Not Racist: Racism is a subjective ideology. If the Guide is only interested in the objective, then how can we be racist? Also, we always include diagrams. Diagrams can only express objective information. For example, if I were to make a pie chart that was titled “Leon Firestone’s Ancestry” and one half of it was red, labeled “Pussies,” and half of it was blue, labeled “Queers,” it should go without questioning that the information presented in the graph is not only objective, but true. I will not actually make the aforementioned graph because it is this writer’s opinion that I am not your bitch.

Article 3, Section 1
The Guide will be divided into two organizational bodies, the executive and the administrative. The executive (Mr. Jones) will make decisions for the good of the order. The administrative (Leon Firestone) will administer the supply of mind-altering substances that allow the executive body to make decisions for the good of the order. Together, the two bodies will do everything they can to serve and protect.

Why We’re Not Racist: It doesn’t say serve and protect only white people. We mean everyone. And although it is not specified, I know Leon Firestone sees it as his own personal duty to protect the black community. That is why I have walked in on him doing questionable things while watching interracial pornography. That’s how invested he is.

Article 7, Section 2
Anything that happens while Leon and Mr. Jones are drunk doesn’t count.

Why We’re Not Racist: Look, even if we were being racist with our MLK info, we were drunk. And clearly it doesn’t count. No harm, no foul.

I was tripping pretty bad on E, too. So I’d make the argument it counts even less than nothing.