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Friday, January 9, 2009

How do I steal cable?

Stealing cable is seen as petty, but it actually shows you as a person of character and economic conscience. Sure, you could PAY for 137 channels and not enjoy them because you have to work to pay your bills, OR you can just enjoy your 137 channels and sit at home all day to enjoy them. Therefore, only the people who steal cable have a true appreciation for television as an art and medium. The people that steal cable are the people you see at parties who can wax constantly about the quality of Lost or how tragic it was when Viva La Laughlin got canned after two episodes. They will talk circles around you by making it obvious that they know more. Since one of the Survival Guidelines we have here is an equaling of the playing field, you must learn how to steal cable to put this guy back in his place.

Cable stealing goes back to the days where people would watch stage revues in the 1920s through small holes in the wall. These people were referred to as funnery snatchers, and they created an art in stealing entertainment. Theaters resolved this uprising by converting their "swindle holes" into the first glory holes, the first of many times that the entertainment business and anonymous sex crossed paths. 

1. The inside man
Being the inside man entitles you to many perks like free cable and coffee. The small price you have to pay is to convince someone in the cable installation industry to hire you in some capacity. Your position could be as lowly as the business's glory hole scrubber (as it is part of the entertainment industry after all.)

2. The blending
You do not want to be that shifty new scrubber who is mysterious to all. You must chat with your coworkers and make it seem like this is your passion. This is to misdirect them from thinking you are about to steal their cable. Do this for 3 months.

3. The asking
Ask your boss/lead janitor about the "free" cable hookup. He will look around to make sure no one is around. Then, he'll give you a number to call. Do not call it from your house or cell because they can trace that back to you. 

4. The calling
A woman is going to answer, this means you are doing everything perfectly. If a man answers, yell "THIS WASN'T PART OF THE DEAL" and wait till the next day. Once you get the girl, she's gonna ask for your address. Give it to her, but only in a way you two will understand. I would go with Pig Latin but you didn't hear it from me. She'll make an appointment.

5. The rendezvous
She says this guy is gonna stop by from 10 am to 4 pm. You have to be at your house because this guy means business. This is not a guy you want to fuck with by picking up some milk at the c corner store that's only a block a way.  He eats glory-scrubbers like you from breakfast. People have woken up in their grave for worse shit than that. Just play it cool. Once he shows up and you show him your employee card, he'll give you the hook-up.

6. The switcheroo
Now, you can't work and watch TV at the same time, but this conundrum is one of the easiest to solve: hobo labor. Find a pauper who looks just enough like you to pass off as you at your place of work. As long as he remains gainfully employed, you have some stolen cable to enjoy. Also, continue to cash the checks. There is no reason for you not to get paid for brilliant misdirection.


woundedduck said...

I did as you said and it works perfectly.

Anonymous said...

dude, you're retarded.

posted on stolen Internet while watching stolen cable

RIPPY said...

Dude ur stupid. Does'nt work and if it did and u got caught,(AUDITED or SNITCHED OUT), its a FELONY these days bro. Punishable by up to 10 years in Federal Prison PLUS $100,000 fines. CABLE Companys aint playin around like they used too... So getta job and pay for it like everybody else so ya dont end up being "BUBBAS" BITCH IN CELL BLOCK 4........L8r

Jackson Rally said...

Dude... fuck these comments. I get you. Funny.

Anonymous said...

Dude, that was well though out and funny as fuck! You're my hero! Oh, btw, that dumbfuck dont know what he's talking bout, the go by letters in blocks not numbers, what he should said is bruno's gonna creampie in yo as in C block! Plus, I ALREADY STEAL CABLE! SUCK IT COMCAST!!!

Anonymous said...

IN response to what "anonymous" said, sorry douche bag about not correctly identifying prison cell blocks correctly. Never been there, thats why i dont know if they go by #'s or letters. But sounds like u know something about it so keep being a petty ass thief and u can go back and see ur boyfriend "Bruno" in cell block C and he can "creampie" ur ass somemore !!!! Stop being a fucking loser and pay for ur shit like all us other "Dumb fucks" do...ya piece of shit..........;-)

Anonymous said...

funny article, i loved your explanation on the origin of the first glory holes.

Anonymous said...

and this loser that's bitching about the article and telling us about the law can fuck off.

Anonymous said...

Fuck all of you bitches!!! Suck on deez nuts!!!

Anonymous said...

I have a big dick and that nikka can suck my big dick faggots

Anonymous said...

Funny as fuk bro I laughed my ass off. And. Fuk the law nikkas dnt nobody give a fuk bout them pigs just throw em some slop and they happy.

Anonymous said...

idk why you bitches making a big deal out of it i mean fo real the law dont give a shit an if they do iz already stealing cable bitch so suck it

Anonymous said...

Hilarious read , truly enjoyed it. I feel like the hookup should be a beeper number where a girl calls you back