How do I train dogs?

This is not your guide for potty training your dog. While I agree that having a dog not pee on things you buy is a good thing, this "How do" guide aims to go far beyond that. You can look anywhere else and learn how to stop your dog from peeing on things, but this is your one-stop shop on how to psychologically condition your dog to do anything you want it to. Just think...

Why stop at having him pee outside, when you can just have him afraid to pee?

From here, we're break it down to a few frequently asked dog training questions (FADTQ).

How do I train my dog to turn on lights?
Spend a week where there is only one light on in the house at a time, and only enter a room and turn a light when your dog is present. After this week, keep all the lights in the house off, and hit your dog with newspapers until he turns on a light. If you continue like this, he should be able to turn on lights out of fear of the darkness. The painful darkness. This is also the same why parents raised me to fear night!

How do I train my dog to walk on his hind legs?
This is an adorable trick for everyone involved, because we get to see a dog do something that looks horribly unnatural and the dog gets to think that his human walking abilities will allow him to drive and buy cigars. Now what I always thought was "if he doesn't have front legs, then he HAS to use hind legs" but I did some research and it turns out that's wrong for both ethical and trick training reasons. What works is to take your typical training regiment of rewards snacks and upping the ante. Just hold his food and water just out of reach, so he can only gain sustenance by being an adorable dog. If he finds food elsewhere, turn off the lights.

How do I train my dog to be racist?
So this one does not really give the last post about how we are not racist much credence, but I think that it is a skill that has the possibility to be needed in the future. For instance, what if the Chinese invade American soil with their zeppelins and feng shui? Do we not want to have dogs on our front lines? So if you are concerned about the well-being of America, you would print out a face of someone that is the race you want your dog to hate. Then, wear that as a mask and do everything your dog hates, like when you turn out the lights or put his food out of reach, or when you trained your kids to use him as a toilet. This way, all the times he wanted to bite your face off will be converted to the Chinese. I know this works because my parents would turn off the lights and just yell gibberish that sounded Chinese. Then when I turned the lights on they looked Chinese. I might have been lost, though.