How do I write an accessible Top 10 list?

The Top 10 list is one of the most important staples in internet entertainment today, or "intertainment," or "netment," or "tent." Ever since the number 10 was invented by David Letterman during the turn of the century, people have been using this fine two-digit number to quantify things that were more than nine, but not "11" big. We have come to identify 10 as a strong, round number and have honored it in our society by naming 10 things linked together by an arbitrary but hopefully entertaining theme.

Did you know... that before 10, rulers were fucked?

Alright, so now that you are well-versed in the history, now it's time to actually learn how to make a compelling top 10 list, which will be taught by using a top 10 list (Meta!).

Write in nuggets
Much like a staple in a formerly-sizable stomach, writing in short does a great job at hiding embarrassing flaws in writing and journalism. This way, your lingual holocaust seems more like a series of unrelated church burnings.

Include Pictures
Pictures are a perfect way of appealing to the readers who are insecure in their abilities to read an entire online article of just plain text. Even if they do not apply to your article, tie pictures in by writing an unique simile right before you plug in your picture. People will think you're funnier than a monkey with a knife!

Do you realize...just how wacky this is!?

Don't use numbers unless...
A rookie mistake when making lists for "tent" is that the writer will sometimes write a number to correspond with that specific item. While this might make sense, it must only be used when what you are dealing with is a countdown to the hottest/coolest/awesomest/totally-awesomest celebrity/gadgets/games/flesh-lights. However, if you are just starting to write lists...

Never do countdowns
No matter what you say, you will offend people with your number one. Moreover, you'll not only offend people if number one is a curveball, but it's the equivalent of smashing their 5th grade science fair diarama in front of them just seconds before Mrs. Channing was gonna grade it. Bad writing can be kind of a prick. Do it if you have balls, but stay away from it if you spent all night making that valcanoe and it looks really cool.

Example: Your top 3 of the best alternative-rock albums of all time goes

3. Nirvana - Nevermind
2. The Presidents of the United States of America - self-titled
1. Rush - Moving Pictures

As a reader, you can tell something is wrong. You cannot help but ball up your pudgy fist in anger as yet another dumbass blogger has failed at "Tent" by not including No Jacket Required by Phil Collins. Since NJR is considered in many social circles as the birth of 90s alt, one has to wonder if the author forgot about it or just lives in an alternate timeline where Phil Collins wasn't one of the best Goddamn presidents that this country has ever seen.

Know your audience
Everyone uses the internet, but true "tent" fans like movies, video games, and boobs. Use this to make such dynamite lists such as "Naked actresses who should dress up as video game girls" and "famous boobs from movies where a kid plays an arcade cabinet in the background."

Were you even fucking aware... that Titanic is the highest grossing advertisement for 80's arcade games?

Don't overstay your welcome
If you want to end your list, just end it. Don't even look back to change numbers, as you can tell commenters that they miscounted entries. Then again, you shouldn't have to answer to them. They, in essence, are your bitches.

Make money
Did I say bitches? I meant they are great, fun-loving people of excellent taste who should click on our AdSense.

Spreading the word
Since the aforementioned bitches are your main source of income, you will no doubt get more revenue and "hits" if they tell their friends and family about your fantastic list about game boobs. Since friend is a loose term in the digital age, make sure to encourage that your friends whore out your list to Digg, Reddit, Fark, Delicious, Technorati, Bang Bros, and StumbleUpon. Get all of your friends to vote for your list, because if they didn't, all those other people wouldn't have thought to digg it. You are such a trailblazer!

Even though that didn't have much to do with actually writing the list, do you have any idea how hard it is to write 10 ideas about one topic? Fuck Letterman. I'm going back to rounding up to 11 for my AdultFriendFinder "measurements" anyway. I hope he suffers more than nine heart attacks.

Famous Moments of "You Had to Be There."

As previously unveiled in an article last week, the phrase "You had to be there" is one of the most powerful conventions of storytelling, narrowly outperforming the dream sequence ending. Though I know that the point was made, it still left a bad taste in my mouth. I did teach you something of dire importance, as is the goal to all of these writings, but such a fascinating and ground shaking phrase deserves to be examined thoroughly. This is why this next article will aim to fully orientate you with the history of the phrase. Here are some examples, followed up by why the are considered some of the best uses of "UH2BT."

"So Charlie and I were in one of the dining halls. First class tickets entitled us to fully stocked bar in our room. I was not cognizant of the most of that trip and it really riles people up who want to know the story of such a tragedy. I'm cursed, I'm sure. Regardless, everything started shaking and my husband grabbed my arm to guide me to one of the life boats. So we're walking and Charlie stubbles on a carpet bag, and I say, "So that's where my lost luggage is." And then he said something... I can't remember, but it was pretty funny, and then I ended up stumbling on the bag, and we just sat there laughing. I guess you had to be there."

Mrs. Annie May Stengel, Titanic survivor, retelling her story in the April 23, 1937 issue of Look Magazine

Annie's use of "You had to be there" is to cover her from not remembering the night to remember. She uses this effectively by trying to take interest away from the Titanic sinking and more into a humorous story of her and her husband falling down. We still have no idea how she ever survived, but what do we know is that she is an expert storyteller! Right on, Annie! On to the next one!

"Lincoln was just going on and on about how much this play sucked. He often mimed hanging himself as something else he'd prefer than sit around and watch this trite little thing. When he was shot, I thought "man, he went all out." Booth, the killer and not the thing we were sitting in, jumped from the booth, the thing we were sitting in, not the killer, and yelled... something as he went out. I had no idea what it was, but I thought I heard Tyrannosaurus Rex. When the bodyguard came in, clueless as of what happened, he just asked "What?" I figured he didn't know what Booth said either! I laughed and laughed, and the bodyguard got it after I explained it to him a few hours later. He still didn't really fully understand. I guess you had to be there."

Mary Todd Lincoln, widow of president Lincoln, as documented in a personal journal.

Mary Todd uses the phrase in order to compensate for misunderstanding, one of the weakest ways you can use this almighty phrase. At least her embarrassment was only limited to her personal diary and not spread throughout America, until it's first publication in this history making blog entry. That's right. The Library of Congress can suck a big fat one. Let's read on!

"Dear mother, by the time you read this, you will have already have heard of a fire that has swept through Chicago. This is my informal confession that will explain my case if they ever find out that I was responsible for such mass destruction. It all started when I thought I heard something next to the shed, so Jim and I headed back there with a lantern in tow. Feeling confident in my abilities and in the lanterns durability, I start swinging the lantern above my head like I was a wild man from the Amazon. Evidentially, it was very funny, as Jim was full of giggles. And then I started laughing at the very notion of doing it, and then we both started to throw our heads back in laughter. Upon wiping the tears from my eyes, I realized that I had successfully torched three of the buildings that surrounded me. I tried explaining it to Gladys but she wasn't buying it, I suppose one would have to be there."

Jacob Walters, in a letter to his mother in Louisville, Kentucky.

Read this paragraph again. Notice how he hints toward the sacred phrase, but yet never really hits it. Biggest. Mistake. Ever. Scientifically, you need all five words in the correct order for it to work. Without that, it is nothing. You are nothing. And you will learn to live your life as a failure. While other people have saved themselves from embarrassment and scrutiny, Jacob Walters deserves at least a 50 year jail sentence. Instead, we blamed it on a cow.

God bless America.

How do I tell if my son is gay?

Thanks to Hollywood, gay is spreading like a plague. A certain movie, staged in the old west, is poisoning our children’s minds with its extremist liberal ideals. Leave it to “the biz” to take something as American as a western and inject it with homosexual undertones, overtones, and middle tones.

I am of course referring to Back to the Future Part III.

Since that fateful day in 1990, good, well-natured, God-fearing parents are living with a constant fear of their sons turning gay, or as they refer to it on the street, gay.

So how can you, concerned parents, know once and for all and put your minds at ease? Luckily, gays are creatures of habit, which makes it easier for us as we try to catch them off guard in their daily rituals. Through thorough field research (in a totally straight way) I have discovered 3 noticeable signs that will tip you off as to the status of your son’s sexual orientation.

1. Shedded skin. Every 28 days, a gay will shed his entire epidermis. The scientific reasoning behind this? As you’re well aware, gays on average are better looking than straight men, no doubt be it a result of their top notch clothing and fashion choices. However, in order to effectively battle metrosexuals in terms of man prettiness, gays have evolved this skin shedding technique to make their complexions always look flawless and stunning. Parents, if you find your son peeling, or better yet, a giant husk of dried skin in his room, this is a tell-tale sign that your son may very well be gay.

2. Giant group viewings of Titanic. In my studies I have found that the longer a gay male goes without viewing Titanic, he will become continually more sickly and lethargic. As a result, it is very common in the gay community to throw “Titanic Parties.” If your son comes home from soccer practice (a sport already big in the gay underground) with some friends, and they pop in the Titanic VHS, already beginning to show wear from use, that is a definite light red flag.

3. Turtleneck sweaters. ‘Nuff said.

I am constantly in the research process, so new findings may arise. I pride myself in the fact my friends call me the “Jane Goodall of gays,” a title I hope to take to the grave with me, so parents, stay posted for new findings! Until then, happy hunting!