How do I make a marketable slogan for annoymous sex?

Leon Firestone claims to know a lot about making marketable slogans for promoting anonymous sex but the fact of the matter is he acquired the skill from me. For record, this isn’t me getting on my “I’m the master” soapbox. In many partnerships the transferring of skills from one partner to another is a natural process that should be embraced. While I may have taught Leon everything he knows about making sex slogans, I have learned plenty by his hand. I have him to thank about everything I know about the process of making crystal meth. He also taught me how to ride a bike.

With that being said, I am very much the master and here are some tips towards making that slogan for anonymous sex that you’ve always wanted. Not only that, but by going through these steps, I will create an example slogan to help you learn.

Step 1: Make sure the slogan starts with a condition people can immediately identify with.
White Hen’s slogan was “When you run out, run out to White Hen.” As a slogan for anonymous sex it’s subpar, as a slogan in general it’s a pretty solid representation. The “When you run out” part is key because it gives listeners a condition to identify with and because it comes first and grabs attention. People do run out and when they think about running out of something, that little slogan pops into their head. You have to do the same thing but for anonymous sex. Phrases like “When you want to bone with a stranger…” or “If you feel the urge to get your dick wet with someone you don’t even know in a bookstore…” For our example, we’ll choose the latter.

Step 2: List the location for anonymous sex.
There is nothing worse than being told to meet someone at a glory hole only to not be able to find it in time. This confusion is often called "Glory-Holers remorse." Communication is key with anonymous sex because of the fact no names are exchanged. There is absolutely no margin for error because you can’t call or text the person to remedy any miscommunications. Using this and by building off of step one, the example slogan now reads “If you feel the urge to gte your dick wet with someone you don’t even know in a bookstore, come on down to the Barnes and Noble on State Street.”

Step 3: Clarify that location.
I can’t stress the need for clarification enough. Think about some confusion that may arise from the location and address them in the slogan. Now the slogan reads, “If you feel the urge to get your dick wet with someone you don’t even know in a bookstore, come on down to the Barnes and Noble on State Street. Not the Borders on State Street.”

Step 4: Make it musical.
I know there is a difference between a slogan and a jingle, but that doesn’t mean a slogan can’t have a sing-song quality! “If you feel the urge to get your dick wet with someone you don’t even know in a bookstore, come on down to the Barnes and Noble on State Street. Not the Borders on State Street” becomes a much catchier slogan when you sing it to the theme of Law & Order. You’re free to make up your own melody but why bother? The Law & Order theme is pretty sweet.

Step 5: Get people to repeat it.
Between the ages of 2-3, children are prone to repeat almost anything they hear. During naptime, sneak into a daycare and repeatedly whisper it into every child’s ear. When they wake up, your slogan will reach new levels of circulation.

How do I solicit sex in a gas station?

The holiday season is approaching and, as we all know, gas station bathroom sex becomes more imperative to you operating as a human being. Actually initiating these bathroom rendezvouses is a different story. Here are some tricks of the trade that I have picked up from the last 30 years of anonymous, but sweet bathroom sex.

(Note: I know this might be surprising for some readers, but this is not me coming out of the closet. Bathroom sex and homosexuality can be mutually exclusive interests. This isn't gay or anything, this is just men admiring each others strength.)

1. Find a reliable gas station

Reliability in gas stations and gas station bathrooms are not directly correlated. The nicer the gas station, the less likely you will find people who are willing to sully it. In my personal experience, the best folk you can find will be in Phillips 66 gas station bathrooms. I swear by this and have sent in letters and made phone calls to see if they would be interested in using me for an advertising campaign. However, we could not reach an agreement. Not only because it was not an image they were looking for, but the slogan I proposed was "Get away from your nagging, lifeless failures for 15 magical (or at least interesting) minutes." In hindsight I see that this was not a good slogan. I'll break this down later for "How do I make a marketable slogan to promote anonymous sex?"

2. The writing on the walls

The bathroom wall was a more intimate precursor to the internet. It functioned as both the best parts of Craigslist and the worst parts of 4chan combined through an unholy union of Sharpie and metal. Go from stall to stall and examine the last posts. Wade through the filler like "first!" and "Want to be a hero in bed?" to find actual times and dates. Just like the internet, be wary of the ads you choose to answer, because a RickRoll is highly possible. You have to plan around the posters schedule, something that is a lot easier to do once you realize your family is dead weight and life is much better just roaming bathroom to bathroom while the snow falls and the nights grow colder and longer.

3. ...Or just do your own thing
If you feel daring, you can always go for the series of toe-taps, tongue clicks and bird calls to find any potential people around you. You can also say code phrases. I personally say "so then the guy says rectangle?" I know I found a possible person if I hear the response "Damn near killtangle." Not only does this find possible mates, but matches on a much more personal level. Of course, that doesn't matter, because you are never gonna see them again, but it's the thought that makes the whole process go much smoother, and smoothness is going to be in need.

4... Or just go on the real internet
Mybathroombuddies.com . It's a great resource of local directories, profiles, interests, and what possibly friends are looking for in random truck stop hook-ups. You can also tell tales of woe on how your life use to be before you started pursuing random truck stop hook-ups. These are usually tear jerkers, but always inspirational.

So there you go. No extravagant stories on my past experience of gas station sex, but I think I get the point across that anyone can partake. Especially at the Phillips 66 on 156 and Kinkade Street. At three, six, nine, and twelve. Everyday. Not gay.

The process of becoming a saint, explained

We’ve all got that friend. That friend that’s a real cool guy, but you can’t help but feel he’s better than you. He never mentions it and to be honest, he probably would be offended if you brought it up to him. That’s because he’s humble, and that is only one of the many reasons he’s better than you.

So you spend your nights awake, your unblinking stare burning a hole into your ceiling as you wonder what’s it going to take for me to one up this motherfucker? You could get a PhD. That would give you a feeling of superiority over him. But what if invest your heart and soul into academia only to have him still make more money than you. In that case, he’s even better than you because he didn’t try nearly as hard as you did.

The answer? Become a saint. Your friend will find it hard to be superior to a Goddamn saint and if he still manages to give off that pompous vibe at least you know you’re better because being a douche bag to a saint makes the saint more superior of a person by default. I’m pretty sure there’s a clause in the Constitution that explains it. If not, it’s so prevalent in our American culture that it might as well be.

They don’t just hand out halos, though. This is probably for the best because if they were free or you could buy them, it’s safe to assume your better-than-you-always friend would have one. He has everything.

Well what you have to do is perform three miracles. I always thought miracle was a vague term, but I called the Vatican and they faxed me a transcript and it turns out it’s not really vague at all. It’s actually very simple to understand, and I feel a little stupid about being ignorant about it for so long.

This was what the fax had to say on the subject of attaining sainthood:

A saint must complete at LEAST one miracle from three of the miracle domains; repeated miracles in the same category do not count towards sainthood.

Miracles of the Helpy Variety
-Devote your entire life to helping someone that’s totally going to end up dying on you
-Help a group of people that are unaware of God by making them balls scared of Him
-Invent a machine that feeds people and that is powered by prayer
-Plan a fundraiser

Miracles of the Flashy Variety
-Win of a game of HORSE by only making shots with eyes closed and facing the wrong direction
-Fight a guy on the top of the train but the fight has to end with a guy not noticing the fast approaching tunnel until it’s too late
-Make a stranger cry
-Hunt vampires and make it seem like it’s not the coolest thing ever

Miracles of the Holy Variety
-Convince a bunch of people that everything looks like the Virgin Mary
-Call out a priest for referencing the wrong passage in the bible
-Eat a whole box of a Communion wafers
-Bleed from the eyes

Saints also need to take a computer literacy class, which can be waived with a satisfactory exam score.

It's that simple.

Key moments in American-Hologram history

Yesterday was no doubt an important time for America and for the world. In fact, it is now a national holiday in Kenya. Loosely translated to "Day of Transperant Visage," it's a day set aside to recognize the importance of CNN and its new use of hologram reporting, which brings centuries old technology to the media's forefront. Here is a breif history on how the hologram has helped out America in the past, and will no doubt prove more helpful in days to come (how could they not?)

1775 - The hologram was first used during the Revolutionary War, when the King would broadcast himself into the colonies and deliver stern speeches about how these defectors will be crushed. No one took him seriously. This was due both to his message to the colonies, and Benjamin Franklin would do this thing where he would pretend like he was humping the King, but the King had no idea why everyone was laughing. This is how Benjamin Franklin got the nickname "Ol' King Porker," something we can see on our 100 dollar bills to this day.

1864 - General Lee fooled General George McClellan by broadcasting the holograms of soldiers into his army of 20 to add an additional 40 ghosts of fallen soldiers. This caused George McClellan to say his famous catch phrase "G-g-g-ghost!" and run away with him army following him. As per orders, the troop's saxophone boy was ordered to play Yakety Sax during the retreat.

1921 - Chicago speakeasies used holograms as decoys to distract police officers during raids. This led to the arrest of 36 different individuals who were actually made out of light. Their legacy can be learned at the Museum of Science and Industry, and in the city's election process, where each 36 has voted 7 times in every election since 1921.

1945 - The Japanese try to execute a kamikaze attack on Pearl Harbor for the second time, only it has been replaced with a hologram. There are no American casualties, and very few Japanese casualties surprisingly. After it was realized that it was a hologram, the Japanese knew they could not return home because returning home from a kamikaze mission would bring dishonor. Instead, they just flew around aimlessly, trying to find something that was worthy of flying into it. They ended up settling in Mexico and building the bar which would later be the model bar used in Cheers. A call out to them can be seen on a special thanks during the famous last episode, when a Japanese plane crashes into the bar.

Blogging Ethics

Leon and I just recently completed The Survival Guide’s first book tour. The tour started in Kansas City, took us to Detroit and ended in the beautiful city of Newark, New Jersey. It should be noted that the Survival Guide does not have a published book, nor do we really have the intention of doing so. Leon and I are just confident in our abilities as writers that we felt that we could warrant a book tour without actually having published anything tangible.

Correction: anything tangible of literary merit. On every odd weekend I publish and distribute my own version of the Federal Papers that accuses a chubby boy from the neighborhood of being a total pussy. I’m not crazy, though; I know this pamphlet onslaught does not have literary merit. It does however, have journalistic merit.

It's a lot like this, except the word pussy appears three times as frequently.

In Detriot, a young man asked us blogging ethics. To put this into a timeline, this was after our car was stolen but before we were mugged and at the exact same time a guy peed on Leon.

We were stumped. We didn’t know what to say. And this wasn’t because we were overcome by the pungent smell of urine wafting off of Leon. All too often he reeks of urine and we have both become accustomed to dealing with it. After a while it became endearing, like a family dog that can’t stop farting.

Blogging ethics? At the risk of sounding unprofessional, I told the young man that sounds totally fucking gay. The blogosphere (which concidentially, is located in Newark) is far too diverse to impose a single set of ethics.

In response he stated that Eric Mueller, a law professor, felt that blogs “can be a check on big media.”

I told him that citing sources was for pussies. And that makes him a pussy. Although I do not know this man’s name, chubby boy from the neighborhood will receive a few weeks reprieve because my Federalist Pussy Papers just found a new target.

So no, for the first time, Leon and I have nothing to say on the subject of blogging ethics. However! We do have a set of rules that will help you identify a shitty blog.

Look at the URL.
Is .blogspot located in the url? If it is, it means whoever writes the blog is a jackass that can’t afford hosting on a service that isn’t free. The only thing worse is if the blog has a .com address that just takes you to a blogspot website. This means the fuckers were only willing to drop the 3 dollars for a domain name and operate under the impression that it makes them more official somehow. Stay away at all costs.

Are they using their real names?
People that are not willing to divulge to write under their real names are not to be trusted. For example, my name is Mr. Jones. If I wanted to deceive readers into thinking I am someone else, I would use a fake name like Dr. Bones. No one has the first name of Dr., that’s just retarded. Stay away from assholes that use titles like they are first names.

Do they frequently refer to things that are obviously fictional as if they are real?
There is nothing shittier in a blog than building up a mythology. Here at the Survival Guide, you know damn well whenever we reference our office it exists in a determinate location and everything in it as we real as it say it is. Especially the giant skunk ape we keep in the attic. Again, if you answer yes to this question, the sooner you stop reading the better.

Does the blog have a banner at the top of the page, depicted a black and white illustration of two men in a flying machine?
Be careful when deciding whether or not something is a flying machine or not. Hang gliders, for example, are not flying machines. Airplanes though? Totally are. This gives a new meaning to the old saying “If the blog has an airplane in the banner at the top, tell your friends it sucks.”