The process of becoming a saint, explained

We’ve all got that friend. That friend that’s a real cool guy, but you can’t help but feel he’s better than you. He never mentions it and to be honest, he probably would be offended if you brought it up to him. That’s because he’s humble, and that is only one of the many reasons he’s better than you.

So you spend your nights awake, your unblinking stare burning a hole into your ceiling as you wonder what’s it going to take for me to one up this motherfucker? You could get a PhD. That would give you a feeling of superiority over him. But what if invest your heart and soul into academia only to have him still make more money than you. In that case, he’s even better than you because he didn’t try nearly as hard as you did.

The answer? Become a saint. Your friend will find it hard to be superior to a Goddamn saint and if he still manages to give off that pompous vibe at least you know you’re better because being a douche bag to a saint makes the saint more superior of a person by default. I’m pretty sure there’s a clause in the Constitution that explains it. If not, it’s so prevalent in our American culture that it might as well be.

They don’t just hand out halos, though. This is probably for the best because if they were free or you could buy them, it’s safe to assume your better-than-you-always friend would have one. He has everything.

Well what you have to do is perform three miracles. I always thought miracle was a vague term, but I called the Vatican and they faxed me a transcript and it turns out it’s not really vague at all. It’s actually very simple to understand, and I feel a little stupid about being ignorant about it for so long.

This was what the fax had to say on the subject of attaining sainthood:

A saint must complete at LEAST one miracle from three of the miracle domains; repeated miracles in the same category do not count towards sainthood.

Miracles of the Helpy Variety
-Devote your entire life to helping someone that’s totally going to end up dying on you
-Help a group of people that are unaware of God by making them balls scared of Him
-Invent a machine that feeds people and that is powered by prayer
-Plan a fundraiser

Miracles of the Flashy Variety
-Win of a game of HORSE by only making shots with eyes closed and facing the wrong direction
-Fight a guy on the top of the train but the fight has to end with a guy not noticing the fast approaching tunnel until it’s too late
-Make a stranger cry
-Hunt vampires and make it seem like it’s not the coolest thing ever

Miracles of the Holy Variety
-Convince a bunch of people that everything looks like the Virgin Mary
-Call out a priest for referencing the wrong passage in the bible
-Eat a whole box of a Communion wafers
-Bleed from the eyes

Saints also need to take a computer literacy class, which can be waived with a satisfactory exam score.

It's that simple.