D.I.Y Time: Snow blower

Fuck snow. Usually this section of the entry is to cajole the reader into beleiving that we are on the same page, but I am so confident that people are sick of snow that I can just come out and boldly state "fuck snow." And while to say "fuck snow" leaves it to interpretation, as one questions whether this is a physical demand or figurative, I answer your question by saying "with a really big snow blower."

The snow blower is yet another way man has asserted himself over nature by using his prowess in machinery and gasoline to move snow in the loudest way possible. Just as we have conquered lawns with mowers, we can control snow with blowers. Though they are nice, they cost money. And gas still costs money. So what are you suppose to do with your crippling fear of monetary transactions?

1. Get some blades
Snow hates getting stabbed. You know that satisfying crunch you hear when you step on snow? That's the snow crying, which is tragic because its tears are warmer than the actual snow and the snow will end up kill itself at a faster than the sun will. Use their crippling flaws against themselves. Get some string and loosely tie some blades to a towel pole. Then, swing it around real fast. This emulates the power of the snow blower, and is also the perfect weapon for street muggings. No one will know how to respond with your knife maypole.

2. Find a leaf blower
The leaf blower can be fashioned to blow away the freshly cut snow with some clever engineering tricks. If you do not have a leaf blower, go to your neighbors with your knife maypole.

3. Car engines
Go to your front yard and pick up the car engine that is sitting on cinder blocks. The snow means you might need to thaw it out, so just put it in an oven or microwave for a few moments. Microwave works best, because it's nuclear powered. When it is fully dried, tie the knife maypole to the engine, and use the blower engine to blow away the snow you have.

Your finished product should resemble something like this:

Just push it up and down the driveway, and your pavement will never look as stunning.

How do I prepare myself for a post-apocalyptic future?

Christmas Eve is upon us and Christmas is quickly followed by the New Year’s and a new year should be a constant reminder that one of these days shit’s going to go wrong hardcore and your life may very well be taken in some sort of nuclear holocaust. However, there is likely going to be a handful of survivors and one of them very well be you (but probably not because you’ll likely die of radiation poisoning but you may mutate before you die, so that’d be fun for a bit), so Christmas Eve is as good as a time as any to talk about preparing yourself for life after the world’s inevitable end.

Maybe you will be in a submarine when the bombs fall, I don’t know, but the point is you could be alive (but again, probably not) so let’s talk business.

Find out what people are using for currency.
Money makes the world go round and you don’t want to look like a jackass trying to buy things with obsolete American tender when everyone is using Pokemon cards as money. Pay special attention to whether or not the new currency is finite in number. If the new currency is man-made, then there’s not a lot to worry about, but let’s say, for example, the new currency is condoms. No one is going to be making more condoms because the condom factories will have been blown to pieces, so it might be in your best interest to try to hoard as much as you can. Also, they’ll be useful because I’m sure there will be all kinds of nuclear STD’s after the bombs drop. Even better, if you’re able to monopolize the world’s condom supply you would become incredibly wealthy and you could call yourself the “Safe Sex Sultan,” which has always been a dream of mine.

Find out if you’re the last of your gender.
Hypothetically speaking, if there is a single guy hoarding all the condoms, there is going to be a baby boom because people aren’t going to stop boning. Unless of course you’re the last man or woman. If you’re the last man, it’s going to be a pretty sweet deal. If you’re the last woman however, expect to live the life of a termite queen: bloated, constantly birthing, and always covered in your offspring. You might also grow mandibles. Pregnant women may be very different in the future.

Stay away from pet stores.
Nuclear bombs have the potential to give any animal the Godzilla treatment, making it enormous and giving it lightning breath. If you are scavenging buildings for food and supplies, leave the pet stores alone for fear of being maimed by a huge radioactive Golden Retriever puppy that has giant scorpions living on its back.

Writing Workshop: How do I write science fiction?

Science fiction is an intimidating genre of writing, because good science fiction makes the reader believe that the writer knows what he is talking about. This is one of the many tricks to the sci-fi trade. Your job is to create an alternate world which you readers can relate to, but how can anyone sympathize for Mars or Martians or space vegetables. Here are some quick guidelines to making your own space opera epic.

Check your adjective use
People know what apple juice, beds, and heaters are, but how can you use this in order to further your sci-fi career? Let's say that you have a character who really likes juice, but he does not have juice because he is living on Phobos. This is quelled by simply stating "(Main character) grabbed a glass and started pouring himself some SPACE JUICE."

We both establish that the main character likes juice, and that the future has brought us space juice. Here are some other items you can use:

SPACE paper
MOON sleeping
STAR sleeping
SOLAR FLARE candles
COSMIC bowling
SPACE heater
MOON Pies

That's it!
You can try writing towards a theme or have your novel be a response to something, but all of that will come easy once you establish your environment and product names. Even if you do not know how to actually write a story, people will be enthralled with the alternate universe you created out of futuristic bowling, heaters and pies.

Amazon Customer Reviews for Leon Firestone

Back in October, Leon and I went on a bit of a Tesla coil kick. We dedicated an entire area of the guide office to Tesla coils. Although it probably started out with some sort of research intention, those suckers just look cool. Little did we realize that a machine that shoots lightning would consume copious amounts of electricity. As a result, our electric bill reached a new staggering high. Lacking funds because we had just spent all of our money on like 40 Tesla coils, we took the next responsible step towards making money to pay our high utility bill: we hijacked mail trucks and took stole amazon.com boxes. Then, the plan consisted of two parts. 1.) I would then open an Amazon store and sell the contents of the box while 2.) Leon would cram himself into the now empty box and he would be shipped to the original location. The former part of the plan eventually got us the necessary money. The latter part was just for funsies.

Here are some of the amazon.com reviews from those lucky people who got a man crammed into a box instead of whatever the hell the paid for:

[No stars] Was not a television,
By Fredrick Quinn (Peoria, IL)
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When you buy a 42-inch plasma television off a respected online vendor, you have some expectations. One of which is that the TV box will not contain a man that will scream real loud when you open the box. My wife is scarred and won’t go near any televisions now without crying. To make matters worse, the man stole our old TV on the way out.

[1 stars] Would not recommend,
By FULLTIMEMOM (Austin, TX)
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We just moved into a new house with a big backyard so I wanted to surprise my kids with a play set one day before they came back from school. The dimensions of the box were inaccurate; I had expected a bigger play set for my kids. Instead only one of my three children could climb on the play set at a time. And after about a week, the damn thing fell on our dog and then blew away in the wind.

[5 stars] Changed my life,
By Dennis Kubly
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Never before had I expected a cookware set to help me come to terms with my homosexuality. I had worried I was going to live my entire life in the closet but again, the Rachel Ray brand has come through for me.

[No stars] JUST A DUDE,
By Anime4EVER
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NOW MY MOM WON’T LET ME ORDER OFF THE INTERNET NE MORE

How do I rock climb?

[The following article was written by Leon Firestone and was rejected from Climbing Magazine in 1973. No reason was given in the response as to why it was denied, so that was not very constructive on the part of Climbing Magazine's, now was it?]

Mountain climbing is a misunderstood sport for several reasons. Largely because you can be the best at it without any real barometer for skill. The trick to becoming a successful rock climber like me is to adjust your scope so you cannot fail. For example,

Notice the steady incline in the waterfall? Notice how it is made of rocks? Rocks you can climb? By successfully scaling this, you are a rock climber. This guide is not just how to be a successful rock climber, though. Here are some tips and tricks to help you climb your own rocks.

Find a climbable rock
Notice that we settle for climbable and not "challenging" or "on fire." If you want to learn how to rock climb, you have to walk before run, and then run before you can rock climb. Try something that goes only ankle or shin high. I suggest a cemetery, but only because I am a fan of the macabre.

Gear up
Pack your Survival Guide to Everyday Life Survival Kit, which you should have on your persons at all times anyway. All of it.

There is also the matter of personal preparation. Make sure to do you exercises as rock climbing can be an exhaustive experience. To insure you get the proper training, please buy The Survival Guide to Everyday Life "Training Rock." Also, get loads and loads of crampons. Not for better traction, but to make the rock you choose as your bitch.

The ascent
If the rock does not stand higher than your knee, simply step on it with one foot, and try to find a way to fit the other foot.

If the rock is higher than your knee, then try to jump and scissor the rock in such a way that you stay off the ground. As long as you are off the ground, this counts as a successful rock climb.

If the rock is above your torso, try sit on it by jumping up butt first. If your feet are on the ground while you are sitting, just swing them around so your entire body is on top of the rock, or just pick up your knees.

If the rock is above your chest, find a new rock. You are not ready for the big leagues.

I hope this gets you interested in rock climbing and starts you on your climbing career, readership of Climbing Magazine!