D.I.Y Time: Snow blower

Fuck snow. Usually this section of the entry is to cajole the reader into beleiving that we are on the same page, but I am so confident that people are sick of snow that I can just come out and boldly state "fuck snow." And while to say "fuck snow" leaves it to interpretation, as one questions whether this is a physical demand or figurative, I answer your question by saying "with a really big snow blower."

The snow blower is yet another way man has asserted himself over nature by using his prowess in machinery and gasoline to move snow in the loudest way possible. Just as we have conquered lawns with mowers, we can control snow with blowers. Though they are nice, they cost money. And gas still costs money. So what are you suppose to do with your crippling fear of monetary transactions?

1. Get some blades
Snow hates getting stabbed. You know that satisfying crunch you hear when you step on snow? That's the snow crying, which is tragic because its tears are warmer than the actual snow and the snow will end up kill itself at a faster than the sun will. Use their crippling flaws against themselves. Get some string and loosely tie some blades to a towel pole. Then, swing it around real fast. This emulates the power of the snow blower, and is also the perfect weapon for street muggings. No one will know how to respond with your knife maypole.

2. Find a leaf blower
The leaf blower can be fashioned to blow away the freshly cut snow with some clever engineering tricks. If you do not have a leaf blower, go to your neighbors with your knife maypole.

3. Car engines
Go to your front yard and pick up the car engine that is sitting on cinder blocks. The snow means you might need to thaw it out, so just put it in an oven or microwave for a few moments. Microwave works best, because it's nuclear powered. When it is fully dried, tie the knife maypole to the engine, and use the blower engine to blow away the snow you have.

Your finished product should resemble something like this:

Just push it up and down the driveway, and your pavement will never look as stunning.