How do I rock climb?

[The following article was written by Leon Firestone and was rejected from Climbing Magazine in 1973. No reason was given in the response as to why it was denied, so that was not very constructive on the part of Climbing Magazine's, now was it?]

Mountain climbing is a misunderstood sport for several reasons. Largely because you can be the best at it without any real barometer for skill. The trick to becoming a successful rock climber like me is to adjust your scope so you cannot fail. For example,

Notice the steady incline in the waterfall? Notice how it is made of rocks? Rocks you can climb? By successfully scaling this, you are a rock climber. This guide is not just how to be a successful rock climber, though. Here are some tips and tricks to help you climb your own rocks.

Find a climbable rock
Notice that we settle for climbable and not "challenging" or "on fire." If you want to learn how to rock climb, you have to walk before run, and then run before you can rock climb. Try something that goes only ankle or shin high. I suggest a cemetery, but only because I am a fan of the macabre.

Gear up
Pack your Survival Guide to Everyday Life Survival Kit, which you should have on your persons at all times anyway. All of it.

There is also the matter of personal preparation. Make sure to do you exercises as rock climbing can be an exhaustive experience. To insure you get the proper training, please buy The Survival Guide to Everyday Life "Training Rock." Also, get loads and loads of crampons. Not for better traction, but to make the rock you choose as your bitch.

The ascent
If the rock does not stand higher than your knee, simply step on it with one foot, and try to find a way to fit the other foot.

If the rock is higher than your knee, then try to jump and scissor the rock in such a way that you stay off the ground. As long as you are off the ground, this counts as a successful rock climb.

If the rock is above your torso, try sit on it by jumping up butt first. If your feet are on the ground while you are sitting, just swing them around so your entire body is on top of the rock, or just pick up your knees.

If the rock is above your chest, find a new rock. You are not ready for the big leagues.

I hope this gets you interested in rock climbing and starts you on your climbing career, readership of Climbing Magazine!