How do I prepare myself for a post-apocalyptic future?

Christmas Eve is upon us and Christmas is quickly followed by the New Year’s and a new year should be a constant reminder that one of these days shit’s going to go wrong hardcore and your life may very well be taken in some sort of nuclear holocaust. However, there is likely going to be a handful of survivors and one of them very well be you (but probably not because you’ll likely die of radiation poisoning but you may mutate before you die, so that’d be fun for a bit), so Christmas Eve is as good as a time as any to talk about preparing yourself for life after the world’s inevitable end.

Maybe you will be in a submarine when the bombs fall, I don’t know, but the point is you could be alive (but again, probably not) so let’s talk business.

Find out what people are using for currency.
Money makes the world go round and you don’t want to look like a jackass trying to buy things with obsolete American tender when everyone is using Pokemon cards as money. Pay special attention to whether or not the new currency is finite in number. If the new currency is man-made, then there’s not a lot to worry about, but let’s say, for example, the new currency is condoms. No one is going to be making more condoms because the condom factories will have been blown to pieces, so it might be in your best interest to try to hoard as much as you can. Also, they’ll be useful because I’m sure there will be all kinds of nuclear STD’s after the bombs drop. Even better, if you’re able to monopolize the world’s condom supply you would become incredibly wealthy and you could call yourself the “Safe Sex Sultan,” which has always been a dream of mine.

Find out if you’re the last of your gender.
Hypothetically speaking, if there is a single guy hoarding all the condoms, there is going to be a baby boom because people aren’t going to stop boning. Unless of course you’re the last man or woman. If you’re the last man, it’s going to be a pretty sweet deal. If you’re the last woman however, expect to live the life of a termite queen: bloated, constantly birthing, and always covered in your offspring. You might also grow mandibles. Pregnant women may be very different in the future.

Stay away from pet stores.
Nuclear bombs have the potential to give any animal the Godzilla treatment, making it enormous and giving it lightning breath. If you are scavenging buildings for food and supplies, leave the pet stores alone for fear of being maimed by a huge radioactive Golden Retriever puppy that has giant scorpions living on its back.