For the unaware, a quilting bee is a gathering of women for the purposes of sewing a giant quilt. Due to the collaborative nature of the bee, every woman brings her own materials and sews patches that represent something significant in their lives. These patches do not necessarily have to be about quilting, but more often than not woman at these bees choose to sew patches to let everyone know how awesome quilts and/or sewing is. Regardless of the personal touches, the finished quilt is a shining testament to group effort and synced menstrual cycles.
In essence, it’s like a potluck dinner but way more depressing.
But where did the quilting bee come from, and perhaps more importantly, how did it influence which is appropriate at a bee today?
Like everything cool, it originated in the Wild West. As was common at the time, cowboys would ride from town to town herding women into small cages. Because these cowboys were not sick fucks, they would periodically grant all the women temporary freedom from their cages. The women’s behavior that took place in these rare hours freed their steel prisons closely resembles the modern day quilting bee. Granted, they really didn’t make quilts as much as they just cried a whole lot, but still, the resemblance is uncanny.
If you find yourself at a quilting bee, remember the following tips:
Don’t talk smack about quilting, quilts, or quilt-related topics.
You know how in Europe there’s like gangs of soccer hooligans that beat the life out of each other for bad mouthing soccer teams? Yeah. That, but worse.
Bring your own materials to the bee.
All quilting bees operate under a strict BYOQS (Bring Your Own Quilting Shit) policy. Although failure to adhere to it will not result in anything catastrophic, you can rest assured that the ladies will have some mean things to say about you behind your back when you get up to go to the bathroom.
Dress appropriately.
You will be on the ground for most of the duration of the bee, so dress comfortably. Wearing uncomfortable clothing can cause fatigue and if you fall asleep at a quilting bee, you are fair game to have dicks drawn all over your face.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
How do I write an accessible Top 10 list?
The Top 10 list is one of the most important staples in internet entertainment today, or "intertainment," or "netment," or "tent." Ever since the number 10 was invented by David Letterman during the turn of the century, people have been using this fine two-digit number to quantify things that were more than nine, but not "11" big. We have come to identify 10 as a strong, round number and have honored it in our society by naming 10 things linked together by an arbitrary but hopefully entertaining theme.
Did you know... that before 10, rulers were fucked?
Alright, so now that you are well-versed in the history, now it's time to actually learn how to make a compelling top 10 list, which will be taught by using a top 10 list (Meta!).
Write in nuggets
Much like a staple in a formerly-sizable stomach, writing in short does a great job at hiding embarrassing flaws in writing and journalism. This way, your lingual holocaust seems more like a series of unrelated church burnings.
Include Pictures
Pictures are a perfect way of appealing to the readers who are insecure in their abilities to read an entire online article of just plain text. Even if they do not apply to your article, tie pictures in by writing an unique simile right before you plug in your picture. People will think you're funnier than a monkey with a knife!
Do you realize...just how wacky this is!?
Don't use numbers unless...
A rookie mistake when making lists for "tent" is that the writer will sometimes write a number to correspond with that specific item. While this might make sense, it must only be used when what you are dealing with is a countdown to the hottest/coolest/awesomest/totally-awesomest celebrity/gadgets/games/flesh-lights. However, if you are just starting to write lists...
Never do countdowns
No matter what you say, you will offend people with your number one. Moreover, you'll not only offend people if number one is a curveball, but it's the equivalent of smashing their 5th grade science fair diarama in front of them just seconds before Mrs. Channing was gonna grade it. Bad writing can be kind of a prick. Do it if you have balls, but stay away from it if you spent all night making that valcanoe and it looks really cool.
Example: Your top 3 of the best alternative-rock albums of all time goes
3. Nirvana - Nevermind
2. The Presidents of the United States of America - self-titled
1. Rush - Moving Pictures
As a reader, you can tell something is wrong. You cannot help but ball up your pudgy fist in anger as yet another dumbass blogger has failed at "Tent" by not including No Jacket Required by Phil Collins. Since NJR is considered in many social circles as the birth of 90s alt, one has to wonder if the author forgot about it or just lives in an alternate timeline where Phil Collins wasn't one of the best Goddamn presidents that this country has ever seen.
Know your audience
Everyone uses the internet, but true "tent" fans like movies, video games, and boobs. Use this to make such dynamite lists such as "Naked actresses who should dress up as video game girls" and "famous boobs from movies where a kid plays an arcade cabinet in the background."
Were you even fucking aware... that Titanic is the highest grossing advertisement for 80's arcade games?
Don't overstay your welcome
If you want to end your list, just end it. Don't even look back to change numbers, as you can tell commenters that they miscounted entries. Then again, you shouldn't have to answer to them. They, in essence, are your bitches.
Make money
Did I say bitches? I meant they are great, fun-loving people of excellent taste who should click on our AdSense.
Spreading the word
Since the aforementioned bitches are your main source of income, you will no doubt get more revenue and "hits" if they tell their friends and family about your fantastic list about game boobs. Since friend is a loose term in the digital age, make sure to encourage that your friends whore out your list to Digg, Reddit, Fark, Delicious, Technorati, Bang Bros, and StumbleUpon. Get all of your friends to vote for your list, because if they didn't, all those other people wouldn't have thought to digg it. You are such a trailblazer!
Even though that didn't have much to do with actually writing the list, do you have any idea how hard it is to write 10 ideas about one topic? Fuck Letterman. I'm going back to rounding up to 11 for my AdultFriendFinder "measurements" anyway. I hope he suffers more than nine heart attacks.
Did you know... that before 10, rulers were fucked?Alright, so now that you are well-versed in the history, now it's time to actually learn how to make a compelling top 10 list, which will be taught by using a top 10 list (Meta!).
Write in nuggets
Much like a staple in a formerly-sizable stomach, writing in short does a great job at hiding embarrassing flaws in writing and journalism. This way, your lingual holocaust seems more like a series of unrelated church burnings.
Include Pictures
Pictures are a perfect way of appealing to the readers who are insecure in their abilities to read an entire online article of just plain text. Even if they do not apply to your article, tie pictures in by writing an unique simile right before you plug in your picture. People will think you're funnier than a monkey with a knife!
Do you realize...just how wacky this is!?Don't use numbers unless...
A rookie mistake when making lists for "tent" is that the writer will sometimes write a number to correspond with that specific item. While this might make sense, it must only be used when what you are dealing with is a countdown to the hottest/coolest/awesomest/totally-awesomest celebrity/gadgets/games/flesh-lights. However, if you are just starting to write lists...
Never do countdowns
No matter what you say, you will offend people with your number one. Moreover, you'll not only offend people if number one is a curveball, but it's the equivalent of smashing their 5th grade science fair diarama in front of them just seconds before Mrs. Channing was gonna grade it. Bad writing can be kind of a prick. Do it if you have balls, but stay away from it if you spent all night making that valcanoe and it looks really cool.
Example: Your top 3 of the best alternative-rock albums of all time goes
3. Nirvana - Nevermind
2. The Presidents of the United States of America - self-titled
1. Rush - Moving Pictures
As a reader, you can tell something is wrong. You cannot help but ball up your pudgy fist in anger as yet another dumbass blogger has failed at "Tent" by not including No Jacket Required by Phil Collins. Since NJR is considered in many social circles as the birth of 90s alt, one has to wonder if the author forgot about it or just lives in an alternate timeline where Phil Collins wasn't one of the best Goddamn presidents that this country has ever seen.
Know your audience
Everyone uses the internet, but true "tent" fans like movies, video games, and boobs. Use this to make such dynamite lists such as "Naked actresses who should dress up as video game girls" and "famous boobs from movies where a kid plays an arcade cabinet in the background."
Were you even fucking aware... that Titanic is the highest grossing advertisement for 80's arcade games?If you want to end your list, just end it. Don't even look back to change numbers, as you can tell commenters that they miscounted entries. Then again, you shouldn't have to answer to them. They, in essence, are your bitches.
Make money
Did I say bitches? I meant they are great, fun-loving people of excellent taste who should click on our AdSense.
Spreading the word
Since the aforementioned bitches are your main source of income, you will no doubt get more revenue and "hits" if they tell their friends and family about your fantastic list about game boobs. Since friend is a loose term in the digital age, make sure to encourage that your friends whore out your list to Digg, Reddit, Fark, Delicious, Technorati, Bang Bros, and StumbleUpon. Get all of your friends to vote for your list, because if they didn't, all those other people wouldn't have thought to digg it. You are such a trailblazer!
Even though that didn't have much to do with actually writing the list, do you have any idea how hard it is to write 10 ideas about one topic? Fuck Letterman. I'm going back to rounding up to 11 for my AdultFriendFinder "measurements" anyway. I hope he suffers more than nine heart attacks.
Monday, August 25, 2008
So how the hell did Michael Phelps get so good at swimming?
So here’s the deal: I wasn’t paying attention the minute swimming became cool. I was under the impression it was just something people did, not unlike walking or beatboxing. Evidently, swimming is cool when it makes you the record holder for the most gold medals held by any Olympian. In retrospect, this makes sense. It doesn’t matter how stupid something is, if you’re the best at it, that something is a more credible activity. Example: on one particular block of late-night programming there was an interview with a woman who could propel ping pong balls from her vagina more than any other woman. At first I was skeptical, but I was soon won over because that Goddamn lady had skill.
Believe it or not, in my younger years I was in somewhat regular contact with the Phelps family. Michael Phelps first showed prowess as a swimmer on his third birthday. Little Phelps wanted a puppy more than anything in the world and on his birthday party his evil uncle (who we will call Senor Phelps) awakened the great swimming beast. Senor Phelps brought a puppy to the party for the purposes of drowning it in the family pool and breaking little Phelps’s heart. However, when the puppy was tossed into the pool, Phelps jumped into the pool and rescued the puppy with lightening speed despite never having actually swam before. Coincidentally, three-year old Phelps holds the record for the fastest time rescuing a puppy thrown into a family pool by a jackass of an uncle.
Phelps did not start swimming competitively in high school until his senior year. He tried many activities, including fencing, football, and debate but his success was limited in all of them because he refused to wear a shirt. After one soul crushing day that cost his school the victory in a Lincoln-Douglas debate because the judges had to look at his nipples, he was approached by the school’s swimming coach. After hearing Phelps’s plight, the coach informed him that swimming is an activity where actually wearing a shirt is weird. From that point on, Phelps made up his mind: he would be a swimmer.
As for his Olympic training regiment, I do not know. I do know one thing however: it involves lots of swimming. He is a clean athlete, though. With such unbridled success, rumors began to spread that Phelps was using performance-enhancing drugs. He was tested extensively and proved to the world that his talent is all natural.
He also has a dorsal fin. I am not a marine biologist, but I can assume this helps him swim faster.
Believe it or not, in my younger years I was in somewhat regular contact with the Phelps family. Michael Phelps first showed prowess as a swimmer on his third birthday. Little Phelps wanted a puppy more than anything in the world and on his birthday party his evil uncle (who we will call Senor Phelps) awakened the great swimming beast. Senor Phelps brought a puppy to the party for the purposes of drowning it in the family pool and breaking little Phelps’s heart. However, when the puppy was tossed into the pool, Phelps jumped into the pool and rescued the puppy with lightening speed despite never having actually swam before. Coincidentally, three-year old Phelps holds the record for the fastest time rescuing a puppy thrown into a family pool by a jackass of an uncle.
Phelps did not start swimming competitively in high school until his senior year. He tried many activities, including fencing, football, and debate but his success was limited in all of them because he refused to wear a shirt. After one soul crushing day that cost his school the victory in a Lincoln-Douglas debate because the judges had to look at his nipples, he was approached by the school’s swimming coach. After hearing Phelps’s plight, the coach informed him that swimming is an activity where actually wearing a shirt is weird. From that point on, Phelps made up his mind: he would be a swimmer.
As for his Olympic training regiment, I do not know. I do know one thing however: it involves lots of swimming. He is a clean athlete, though. With such unbridled success, rumors began to spread that Phelps was using performance-enhancing drugs. He was tested extensively and proved to the world that his talent is all natural.
He also has a dorsal fin. I am not a marine biologist, but I can assume this helps him swim faster.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Public Outcry: Importance of excellence in everyday life
Now is the time that we give something back to the community. When someone does a Google search and they happen upon The Survival Guide, we can read what they searched for. However, some of the things people search for are not answered on our site, so this is our way of helping out the answer-seekers, one by one.
The query (from Batangas, Philippines): importance of excellence in everyday life
Our interpretation: What is the importance of excellence in everyday life?
For sake of clarity, the definition that comes to mind when I think of excellence in everyday life is "succeeding in outdoing yourself on a day to day basis, causing onlookers and family to vomit furiously at your talent." Excellence in everyday life is something everyone ought to stride for, and should be one of your many goals in life along with starting a family band and eating a comically gigantic hoagie. Getting to the point of constantly being better than you were five seconds ago takes work, but it will possibly take you about 2-3 minutes to read this life changing entry. However, 2-3 minutes is also the time it takes to make a decent sandwich on toasted bread. I'm not good with cost-benefit analysis, but if you take the 2-3 minutes now, apply it and learn how to outdo yourself every 5 seconds, your first sandwich as an excellent person will taste ever so sweet (granted you wanted your sandwich to be sweet. If you use rye, do not expect sweet sandwich.)
Sandwich diatribes aside, excellence can be best seen in interviews with Robin Williams. Watching him on Oprah is an exercise in what excellence should be: fast, hairy, and Clint Eastwood but only for about 4 seconds. He's perfected his interviewing tactics of being loud and everywhere, and every interview makes him more and more practiced in being hairy and Clint Eastwood but only for about 4 seconds. He relishes that time and never slows down. Even if other people want to talk or Oprah wants to do some more human interest stories, they simply can't. He just goes faster and louder as the episode goes on, until the point the credits role, at which point he goes back into his blood dungeon and devours another virgin sacrifice. Excellence comes at a price.
Not that that price is always virgins and blood dungeons. Far from it. The price varies from person to person, and is best seen as an obscene muse. This perversion or illegality of your actions directly contributes to your excellence. It's the blow to Robert Downey Jr, it's the underage girls to Roman Polanski, it's the burning of animals alive to Frankie Muniz. Moreover, it's Hollywood. They need these awful things in order to better themselves at what they do, and you cannot deny that they do a pretty damn good job. So your key to excellence is to do that one awful thing that no one must know about until you are awesome and can get out of jail time for it. At that point, you are the American Dream.
I don't think I need to state why it's important to have this excellence, but I shall press on so you don't misinterpret this and go to SuperK to buy your own blood dungeon for nothing. If you just want to live your life and have nothing interesting happen to you ever and never get laid again, don't strive for excellence. However, if you want cool things to happen to you and you want to do a suitcase of blow, then by all means follow your dreams. It's not important to exude excellence from every orifice if you aspire to be a claims adjuster or buttfor, but I'll leave you with this: When you are past your mid-life crisis and pushing 70, you will already be aware of all the things you didn't accomplish in your life. Your haired is greyed, your face and wrinkled and failure-filled, and you have to use a cane to walk around after you hit your knee on the radiator. you're sitting in your recliner, trying to watch TV but your dumbass grandchildren are running all over the place and then, for the 7th time that day, and the 87th time that week, you think to yourself "If only I would have explored my love of chicks with dicks..."
Excellence - Maximize your curiosity!
The query (from Batangas, Philippines): importance of excellence in everyday life
Our interpretation: What is the importance of excellence in everyday life?
For sake of clarity, the definition that comes to mind when I think of excellence in everyday life is "succeeding in outdoing yourself on a day to day basis, causing onlookers and family to vomit furiously at your talent." Excellence in everyday life is something everyone ought to stride for, and should be one of your many goals in life along with starting a family band and eating a comically gigantic hoagie. Getting to the point of constantly being better than you were five seconds ago takes work, but it will possibly take you about 2-3 minutes to read this life changing entry. However, 2-3 minutes is also the time it takes to make a decent sandwich on toasted bread. I'm not good with cost-benefit analysis, but if you take the 2-3 minutes now, apply it and learn how to outdo yourself every 5 seconds, your first sandwich as an excellent person will taste ever so sweet (granted you wanted your sandwich to be sweet. If you use rye, do not expect sweet sandwich.)
Sandwich diatribes aside, excellence can be best seen in interviews with Robin Williams. Watching him on Oprah is an exercise in what excellence should be: fast, hairy, and Clint Eastwood but only for about 4 seconds. He's perfected his interviewing tactics of being loud and everywhere, and every interview makes him more and more practiced in being hairy and Clint Eastwood but only for about 4 seconds. He relishes that time and never slows down. Even if other people want to talk or Oprah wants to do some more human interest stories, they simply can't. He just goes faster and louder as the episode goes on, until the point the credits role, at which point he goes back into his blood dungeon and devours another virgin sacrifice. Excellence comes at a price.
Not that that price is always virgins and blood dungeons. Far from it. The price varies from person to person, and is best seen as an obscene muse. This perversion or illegality of your actions directly contributes to your excellence. It's the blow to Robert Downey Jr, it's the underage girls to Roman Polanski, it's the burning of animals alive to Frankie Muniz. Moreover, it's Hollywood. They need these awful things in order to better themselves at what they do, and you cannot deny that they do a pretty damn good job. So your key to excellence is to do that one awful thing that no one must know about until you are awesome and can get out of jail time for it. At that point, you are the American Dream.
I don't think I need to state why it's important to have this excellence, but I shall press on so you don't misinterpret this and go to SuperK to buy your own blood dungeon for nothing. If you just want to live your life and have nothing interesting happen to you ever and never get laid again, don't strive for excellence. However, if you want cool things to happen to you and you want to do a suitcase of blow, then by all means follow your dreams. It's not important to exude excellence from every orifice if you aspire to be a claims adjuster or buttfor, but I'll leave you with this: When you are past your mid-life crisis and pushing 70, you will already be aware of all the things you didn't accomplish in your life. Your haired is greyed, your face and wrinkled and failure-filled, and you have to use a cane to walk around after you hit your knee on the radiator. you're sitting in your recliner, trying to watch TV but your dumbass grandchildren are running all over the place and then, for the 7th time that day, and the 87th time that week, you think to yourself "If only I would have explored my love of chicks with dicks..."
Excellence - Maximize your curiosity!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Philanthropy Days: Job Shadowing
About a year ago, we made the offices of the Guide available to high school students for job shadowing. We saw this as an opportunity to improve our image in the eyes of the community where our humble office resides. Unfortunately, not a single person has taken us up on our offer until yesterday morning when a 15 year-old showed up at our door and asked if he could “do the gay ass job shadowing for faggots.”
The young man’s name was Tim and we made him keep a journal so we would have written evidence that we have changed someone’s life.
This is that journal:
9:30: There is a ton of shit on the walls. This place looks like a fucking Bennigan’s.. Mr. Jones gave me a tour of the place. Overall, pretty lame.
9:35: They made me recite the Pledge of Allegiance to the flag while the two of them just watched. After I finished, Mr. Jones said “Oh, so that’s the Pledge of Allegiance.”
10:25: We have not done anything since I got here. Leon (who the fuck is named Leon?) tried shooting paper balls into the garbage but gave up after missing two shots and went back to doing nothing.
11:00: At 11 o’clock they got all excitable. I thought that meant a cool part of their job was coming up. Turns out, at 11 o’clock everyday they play this stupid game where they spin a globe and point to random countries to figure out the nationality of their future wives. This would have been pretty gay to watch, but man, lots of racist things were said. Bottom line: gay and racist.
11:49: They have a bunch of pet snakes! They’re huge! Maybe this place is cooler than I thought. They said I could feed them 12:15.
12:15: They just fed a litter of puppies to the snakes. You’re supposed to use mice! Mice! I feel sick. I want to go home. I told them I didn’t want to feed them anymore… but they didn’t listen! I didn’t want to know what golden retriever puppies sound like when they die. I want to go home.
1:12: Leon got really angry about something in the next room and started throwing stuff. Mr. Jones put me in kind of panic room under his desk. He told me he’ll come get me when it’s safe.
1:30: It’s dark in here. I’m using my cell phone so I can see what I’m writing.
1:45: I can hear yelling. I can’t tell what they’re saying but I know it’s yelling. I am so scared right now.
2:01: My battery is almost out, I’m going to turn it off to save it.
9:30: If I ever get out of here, I swear to God I’ll try real hard in school. Please, someone help me.
The young man’s name was Tim and we made him keep a journal so we would have written evidence that we have changed someone’s life.
This is that journal:
9:30: There is a ton of shit on the walls. This place looks like a fucking Bennigan’s.. Mr. Jones gave me a tour of the place. Overall, pretty lame.
9:35: They made me recite the Pledge of Allegiance to the flag while the two of them just watched. After I finished, Mr. Jones said “Oh, so that’s the Pledge of Allegiance.”
10:25: We have not done anything since I got here. Leon (who the fuck is named Leon?) tried shooting paper balls into the garbage but gave up after missing two shots and went back to doing nothing.
11:00: At 11 o’clock they got all excitable. I thought that meant a cool part of their job was coming up. Turns out, at 11 o’clock everyday they play this stupid game where they spin a globe and point to random countries to figure out the nationality of their future wives. This would have been pretty gay to watch, but man, lots of racist things were said. Bottom line: gay and racist.
11:49: They have a bunch of pet snakes! They’re huge! Maybe this place is cooler than I thought. They said I could feed them 12:15.
12:15: They just fed a litter of puppies to the snakes. You’re supposed to use mice! Mice! I feel sick. I want to go home. I told them I didn’t want to feed them anymore… but they didn’t listen! I didn’t want to know what golden retriever puppies sound like when they die. I want to go home.
1:12: Leon got really angry about something in the next room and started throwing stuff. Mr. Jones put me in kind of panic room under his desk. He told me he’ll come get me when it’s safe.
1:30: It’s dark in here. I’m using my cell phone so I can see what I’m writing.
1:45: I can hear yelling. I can’t tell what they’re saying but I know it’s yelling. I am so scared right now.
2:01: My battery is almost out, I’m going to turn it off to save it.
9:30: If I ever get out of here, I swear to God I’ll try real hard in school. Please, someone help me.
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