Philanthropy Days: Job Shadowing

About a year ago, we made the offices of the Guide available to high school students for job shadowing. We saw this as an opportunity to improve our image in the eyes of the community where our humble office resides. Unfortunately, not a single person has taken us up on our offer until yesterday morning when a 15 year-old showed up at our door and asked if he could “do the gay ass job shadowing for faggots.”

The young man’s name was Tim and we made him keep a journal so we would have written evidence that we have changed someone’s life.

This is that journal:

9:30: There is a ton of shit on the walls. This place looks like a fucking Bennigan’s.. Mr. Jones gave me a tour of the place. Overall, pretty lame.

9:35: They made me recite the Pledge of Allegiance to the flag while the two of them just watched. After I finished, Mr. Jones said “Oh, so that’s the Pledge of Allegiance.”

10:25: We have not done anything since I got here. Leon (who the fuck is named Leon?) tried shooting paper balls into the garbage but gave up after missing two shots and went back to doing nothing.

11:00: At 11 o’clock they got all excitable. I thought that meant a cool part of their job was coming up. Turns out, at 11 o’clock everyday they play this stupid game where they spin a globe and point to random countries to figure out the nationality of their future wives. This would have been pretty gay to watch, but man, lots of racist things were said. Bottom line: gay and racist.

11:49: They have a bunch of pet snakes! They’re huge! Maybe this place is cooler than I thought. They said I could feed them 12:15.

12:15: They just fed a litter of puppies to the snakes. You’re supposed to use mice! Mice! I feel sick. I want to go home. I told them I didn’t want to feed them anymore… but they didn’t listen! I didn’t want to know what golden retriever puppies sound like when they die. I want to go home.

1:12: Leon got really angry about something in the next room and started throwing stuff. Mr. Jones put me in kind of panic room under his desk. He told me he’ll come get me when it’s safe.

1:30: It’s dark in here. I’m using my cell phone so I can see what I’m writing.

1:45: I can hear yelling. I can’t tell what they’re saying but I know it’s yelling. I am so scared right now.

2:01: My battery is almost out, I’m going to turn it off to save it.

9:30: If I ever get out of here, I swear to God I’ll try real hard in school. Please, someone help me.