How do I create a memorable superhero?

Step 1: Construct a troubled/conflicted past. This ultimately gives depth and a humanizing aspect to your super hero. For the sake of example, let’s examine two big names in the DC universe: Batman and Superman. Batman’s alter ego, Bruce Wayne, had a crippling fear of bats as a child because a man in a bat-suit as a child molested him. However, he was able to cultivate that fear and turn it against the underworld of Gotham City. Superman, on the other hand, is an orphan from space. A space orphan.

This is what happens when you Google image search "space orphan."

Step 2: Decide on a super power or ability. This can be tough. You want to your superhero to have a powerful ability but you have to be careful not to make it too powerful, otherwise you run the risk of boring potential readers. Even better, make your superhero possess a glaring weakness. I’ve been kicking around the idea for a superhero who posses the power of telekinesis but can only use it when in the company of people of Irish descent. I plan on having him reach his first roadblock when an intense battle takes him into the heart of Chinatown.


Step 3: Choose a name. This is both the simplest and the most important step. The name must be memorable and catchy while still revealing some information on the character. If your character is a Jewish woman who was electrocuted by a heavily decorated Christmas tree, ultimately giving her control over the element of lightning, call her Jewdy Garland.

How do I find my credit score?

In this day and age, your credit score can make or break you. Unfortunately, a lot of consumers don’t know exactly how their credit scores are calculated. However, on the plus side, you can find your credit score by taking the sum of the following:

• 10 percent of your total expenditures on things your parents wouldn’t want to know your buying. This includes collectible crap off eBay, vibrating ring condoms, and things with Bill Murray’s face on them.

• Half of the weight of the ugliest person you ever dated. Make sure you’re talking pounds, here. I personally derive sexual pleasure from weighing women in kilos, but in the interest of an accurate credit score, stick to the English system.

• The amount of televisions, fridges, computers, and stereos in your home multiplied by the number of family members that talk to you. This section makes it difficult for orphans who are applying for loans. Banks look at this especially to keep them in check and stop them from going all willy-nilly and buying boathouses.

Do you know who owns this boat house? Neither do I, but you bet your ass they have parents.

• Three times the number of people that have suggested you watch Boondock Saints with them. Remember: if you’re at a social gathering when someone suggests watching the movie, make sure you count everyone that agrees with him or her.

By using this method, my credit score came out to 875, almost a perfect 900.

How do I win at carnival games?

Since the carnies first came here from deep within the Earth's core, carnival games have been a blessing and a plague on our fun. No matter what you do, your darts never pop the balloon, the milk cans never fall over, and thousands and thousands of orphaned stuffed animals go without a home, but are compensated with superpowers. Do not feel discouraged. Over 87% of the American population lose at carnival games on their first try, 93% on their second try, and usually settle for a consolation prizes on their third try to commemorate their failures. Since you are reading this to conquer this stereotype, you will not take 87% as an answer. You are here to singlehandedly take down that statistic by a .01 percentile. And for that, America thanks you. Here is all you need to know on how to conquer the most basic of carnival games.

Fun fact! The carnie uses its long fingers to burrow and can only see movement!

Ring toss - This one is tricky, for there are a lot of variables to account for. How big is the ring? How big is the object you have to toss it on? What is the ring made out of? Can the ring's bigness and material hurt your chances of how it hangs on the object you have tossed it at? The trick to throwing the ring comes down to luck. If you are having a lucky day, then you will no doubt succeed in this ring toss game. If you are not feeling lucky, then you have a significantly lesser chance of winning a stuffed animal made to somewhat resemble something.

Milk cans - The game borrows liberally from two of America's greatest past-times: baseball and anti-dairy propaganda. You have to throw a baseball at a stack of milk cans in effort to leave nothing standing. This might seem simple, until you realize that you cannot throw with your regular arm, and instead must throw with a crude cybernetic arm a carnie working the booth has made. What makes or breaks your performance is your pain threshold, as he amputates your arm in order to make way for his robot arm that offers a balanced playing field for all people involved. It helps to be ambidextrous, as he often picks the arm with your non-dominate hand. Once you are officially a cyborg, and you have remained calm and collected through the Civil War style amputation, hitting the bottles should come easy.

Shatter up - Another one that fuses baseball with another thing I don't give to damn about, shatter up suffers from a very unpleasant name. Besides that, this is a basic game of calculated swings. Pick a car, take a bat, and smash away at the windows. Like a pinata, your prizes are dependent on what you can find. Carnies know that the best looking cars are usually the hardest to break into, but are filled with the most prizes. Use this logic against them by breaking into poorer cars to salvage materials that make it easier to break into the richer cars. This carnival game can usually be found in my apartment's parking lot.

True Story! I wake up to this every other week!

Seashells - This is your basic game of seashells. Simply spin the tokens that the carnie gives you for at least 3 seconds, pick up the appropriate seashell, and write down and solve the math equation it gives you. Since carnies have gotten smart about the growing population of people with calculator watches, you have to do all of these procedures in 10 seconds. What helps here is the fact that all enchanted seashells will give you the answer to their math problem with you whisper the name of the wizard turned them into a seashell in the first place. However, whispering this name will cause them to change back into a human within the next few minutes, so I advise high-tailing it out of their before the carnie catches on that you broke the curse and actually did not know the simplicities of long division.

Travel Guide: The Many Memorials of Washington D.C.

If you're planning a trip for your family, look no further than Washington D.C. Though it is now a haven for corruption and crime, all of that can looked over by sightseeing at the memorials and monuments that commemorate America's proudest citizens and greatest achievements. In typical Survival Guide to Everyday Life fashion, we will not only give you the most ideal locations, but also give you the histories and details that are often forgotten by the general public.

Arlington National Cemetery & Robert E. Lee Memorial - Quite possibly one of the most famous cemeteries to date, the land was originally the home of General Robert E. Lee. The house was built in 1817 by George Custis, the adopted son of George Washington and the first case of Standard Orphan Syndrome on American soil. The house serves as a testament to the powers an orphan can receive by being neglected, as the building features an impressive 20 stories, though all but 3 are underground, and all but 6 can only be seen in the fifth dimension.

The graveyard itself houses some of the most spectacular corpses in American history. It currently holds all the Unknown Soldiers, most Kennedys, prize fighter Joe Louis, and Buddy the dog of Air Bud fame. It is because of this that I do not recommend bringing your kids here. Then again, why would you bring your kids to a cemetery on a vacation, you sick fuck?

Thomas Jefferson Memorial - The Thomas Jefferson Memorial has new teeth constantly being formed in rows in his jaw. Thomas Jefferson's teeth are normally replaced every eight days. I am currently trying to find research to support this claim, but I think this was just the result of common delusion due to late nights during Shark Week.

Korean War Veterans Memorial - For years, the Korean War Veterans Memorial has been the second choice after tourists realize how packed the Vietnam Veteran Memorial is. These people didn't die unjustly, nor for a lie. It was pretty much the cleanest war we have fought post-WWII. It is because of this that the war is frequently forgotten in the annals of history. And honestly, there isn't much to look at. Chances are that your kids will just try climbing the statues of the brave men and women who gave their lives in Korea for some reason, and you don't want to considered as THAT family, do you?

Washington Monument - Most commonly revered as the most accurate sculpture of George Washington to date.

Lincoln Memorial - The main attraction to many Washington D.C. trips, the Lincoln Memorial consists of Greek temple, housing a 19 foot tall statue of Lincoln sitting in his power throne. When standing, this Lincoln is at a mighty 25 feet and most likely thirsting the blood of the South. In case Lincoln is awoken from his slumber, chains have been fastened around him to prevent wanton destruction. The best way to kill Lincoln is to go through the wall behind him and kill the head of Robert E. Lee, which is still living, breathing, and residing on a pike. You will need the NoClip cheat for this.

The 36 columns on the memorial are symbolic of the 36 bullet wounds that Lincoln suffered on that fateful night at Ford Theater.

House Calls: Standard Orphan Syndrome

Feeling sickly? Something seem amiss in your daily life? Are you paranoid that it could be any sort of debilitating illness? Then you'll love our new segment, House Calls. It's all the helpfulness of WebMD, only better in every which way. We'll zero in on a single illness, syndrome, or disorder, go through the symptoms, causes, and cures, and send you on your way to better health.

Overview - standard orphan syndrome, or SOS, is a common among, well, orphans. It's the term used to describe both the antisocial tendencies, and the superpowers inhibited by those who were put up for adoption.

Symptoms - Do you feel alone? Do you fear change? Can't connect to anyone anymore? Have you learned to hate boarding house style beds and food? Do you not know who your parents are? Does the idea of flight and heat vision seem like a possibility?

Causes - SOS can strike at any time, but is prevalent in orphans who have been parentless for 4 to 5 years. Be forewarned: You do not have to be an orphan to have standard orphan syndrome. You can just simply be away from home, eating gruel, or locked in a closet for a year or so, and BAM! Superpowers.

Cures - Though I do not know why anyone would ever want to forfeit superpowers in order to better relate to other humans, there are cures. If you want to to permanently lose your awesome superpowers you'll have to find your birth parents. Check DNA records and bribe the mother superiors of your orphanage for a name and address. Once you confront them, get the answer you want to, and using your heat vision, melt there faces. Now, this is not to say you should hate your birth parents for putting you up for adoption. This is simply the only way to get rid of your problem. It's always a tragic and emotionally charged encounter that will scar you for life. So really, you're just better off feeling neglecting and flying around and crap.

If you suffer from SOS and did not grow up in an orphanage, or were an orphan and your parents are hard to find, get a prescription for amoxicillin. 4 weeks at 2 times a do should do it. Not nearly as cool, though.

What if I give birth at someone else's baby shower?

The answer is simple: don't! Do everything you possibly can to not birth a brand new baby boy/girl if you are currently attending someone else's shower. Not only is this rude to the guests that have to witness the crowning of the unexpected and slimy baby you produce, but you will undoubtedly overshadow the reason of the occasion: the expected baby.

If you are preparing for the shower and worry that you might pop at any given moment, there are some steps you can take to lessen the chances of an embarrassing birth.

• Drink energy drinks to get blood going. The more blood circulating through your system, the more constriction you have in your uterus. The more constriction you have in your uterus, the more weight your uterus can hold. The more weight your uterus can hold, the less like your baby is to slide out.

• Imagine it's in the middle of July and you want to be cool. Like how imagining it's cold makes you feel colder, imagine life pre-pregnant. Think that you're going out to a bar that night to hook up with some cute guy for meaningless sex that can't possibly lead to your dreams being crushed by a 7 pound, 6 oz monster that will make your life a living hell but give it meaning all at the same time.

• Cork it

However, if you are reading this now and great urgency, chances are D-day is upon us and you have already started the birthing process. Since it is impolite to upstage the hostess and her up-and-coming bundle of joy, here are two ways to conceal your pregnancy.

• Now more than ever, fun games and activities are planned for baby showers. If you are playing a rousing game of baby shower bingo, mask your heavy breathing and cries of pain as cries of excitement as you scream "Bingo!" Yell "Bingo" even if you don't have bingo. That small embarrassment is worth avoiding a lifetime of embarrassment caused by this social foo-pa

• Find some blankets, and deliver your own baby. If you do not trust yourself to deliver your own baby, find someone who you can trust and who will keep his/her mouth shut about it. After the baby is born, slide it next to the expecting woman who the party is being thrown for. Then stand up and exclaim "Oh my goodness! You're a mother!" Point at the baby in disbelief and do that "hysterical joy mingled with crying" that occurs whenever Oprah reveals her "Favorite Things." Everyone has a story to tell the rest of their life after said event, and you can always swipe the baby back after she really gives birth.

It is important to note that there is no point in which anyone at the party can see the baby post-party. In order to keep up this facade, move all cradles and other baby toys into a cellar or crawlspace. Let the baby be your little secret so the housewives of the neighborhood don't start gossiping. Then, years later, announce you adopted a child. The awkwardness and social anxieties inherited through his/her basement upbringing can be explained through standard orphan syndrome.

If you are a man and you find yourself giving birth during a baby shower, leave immediately and watch the movie Junior. If you have any questions left after watching the film strip, take up with WebMD.com.

That's it! By following these steps, you will save yourself from embarrassment and save everyone else from such an awkward ordeal!