How do I effectively play Jenga?

Jenga, the game of global domination, has become popular at both swanky parties and politcal war rooms. Transcending the title of kid's toy, Jenga is now on the forefront of our world's foreign affairs, as many disputes are settled with games of Jenga. It started locally with the creation of the Homestead Act, and became very important to Lincoln in a clutch game against Robert E. Lee. This was Lincoln's plan all along, as he foresaw a possible showdown and knew that Robert E. Lee had shaky hands. Hands that would later prove to be the downfall of the Confederate Army. After mending the divided house, Jenga became the trendy way to solve disputes big or small and was assimilated into foreign policy decades later by the League of Nations. It has put many international quarrels to rest and accomplished many missions, like the Cold War, The Cuban Missile Crisis, and the Iraq War. In fact, the Cold War Jenga games hold the record for the most expansive game board assembled, and actually split East and Western Germany with it's small wooden blocks of diplomacy.

As you can see, not knowing how to win at Jenga is not only a social faux-pas, but also an inhibitor to freedom fighting. We need more people now to be able to approach Jenga with a tactile mind, because United States citizens are like blocks, and if enough of us are taken out, and stacked on top without any effort to balance itself, and the people we're playing against keeps saying "Jeeeeenga" over and over again and it really gets on our nerves, then we will fall as a nation. And a nation is hard to stack up again, even with that plastic guide they give you that usually does more harm than good.

Identify load-bearing blocks
In any building, there are somethings you just should not touch. Besides fire alarms, the muffin on the floor, and that secretary that seems just out of college but is actually the boss's 15 year old daughter, buildings have a structure that needs to be maintained for stability. If this structure is toyed with, it will undoubtedly kill many people. This is the same with Jenga, as some blocks can ruin the integrity of the tower, and that it can lead to many deaths, as seen in the game Russia V. Stalin. Identify these blocks by doing preliminary pokes at blocks of interest. If the block does not move, then move onto one you think might. Remember this saying: "If it don't budge, don't buy the fudge." In this rhyme, the fudge stands for compromise.

The Mental Game
Thomas Edison once said that the game of Jenga is 1% perspiration, 99% your mother jokes. While this was proven wrong in the game Japan V. Fat Man & Little Boy, there is still a grain of truth to it. Jenga on a diplomatic level is about psyching your opponent into making bad decisions. Since events at my Junior Prom has made me an expert in bad decisions, I contest that success in Jenga relies on putting yourself into making the opponent confused and hopefully shaken to their core, to where they will forget my previously-stated, yet infectious, jingle. What usually works best in international situations is using ugly stereotypes. They are cheap and cut to the core of your opponent. What gets tricky is trying to think what horrible things you can say to possibly underdeveloped stereotyped opponents like Luxemberg and Madagascar.

If smack talk is not your thing, there is silent intimidation, which involves intense staring. If you are feeling extra saucy, try grabbing your opponents leg at inopportune times, and then slowly working your way up to enhance your odds. You can also constantly, yet gradually go in for a kiss that rarely connects. This does not make you gay, as you are doing this on behalf of America (lesser known loophole in Gay Rules).

House Rules
Take a page out of Lincoln's book. He knew Robert E. Lee blew at Jenga, so why can't you twist things in your favor? Claim that where you play, you do not stack blocks on top after they are removed from the tower. Your opponent will begrudgingly accept your claim, and play by your rules. Now that you have gained his trust, you can create rules to further your advantage, like throwing those discarded blocks at him while he is examining what blocks he will/will not buy fudge from. He might implore you to stop, but previous agreements are binding, and he is gonna be pelted with wooden blocks for a long time. This idea of house rules is still a controversial tactic, which is why the decision from the game of Roe V. Wade remains as relevant now as it did when Roe turned the tables and won by being the first one to count to five after the tower was knocked down, and immediately followed up with a victory abortion.