Advice Jackers: At Least You're Not These People

Again we have happened upon letters addressed to Abby. Fortunately for her, I saved her the time (again) and answered the inquiries for her.

DEAR ABBY,

I work in a small office with shared workspaces. One of my co-workers has a sniffling problem that I think may be just a habit. He makes extremely loud sniffing noises all day long. There are no tissues on his desk, and once I asked him if he needed sinus medication. He said no, but the sniffling stopped momentarily.

Abby, the sound makes me sick to my stomach. What should I do? -- SNIFFLED OUT IN INDIANA


Dear ANAL-RETENTIVE OFFICE DRONE,

What your coworker has is probably just a social tic. Although seemingly strange, social tics can be great fun. My associate, Leon Firestone, has a similar problem. Instead of sniffling noises, he randomly channels the wayward spirits of the dead.

Leon has his good days and his bad days. He can go weeks without a single channeling, but sometimes there will be the days where I have to listen Leon yell the tortured cries of an entire family that was killed in a bus accident.

How do I cope? I turn it into a little drinking game. Every time he channels a soul, I take a shot. If drinking every time you hear that sniffling doesn’t sound like a good idea, try the opposite of alcohol: online poker.

Edit by Leon Firestone: I can’t actually channel spirits. One day I just did it as a joke and Mr. Jones starting drinking when I did it. On days when I’m especially bored, I like to see how much I can get him to drink. One day, after finishing a pint of bourbon, he actually drank rubbing alcohol. Oddly enough, that day was one of the most productive.

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DEAR ABBY,

I am a 27-year-old stay-at-home mom with three kids. Two are my fiance "Sean's"; the littlest is ours together. Sean and I have been together almost seven years.

I need help. I am a very depressed person and have been for many years. I shop excessively and spend way too much -- sometimes all of our money -- and I don't know how to stop. Shopping makes me feel happy, and when I'm depressed (which is often), I go out shopping for stuff I don't even need. I have even started shopping online for stuff. I feel horrible about this. Sean and I have tried separate bank accounts, but when I'd run low I would just tap right into his. Please help me. I don't know what to do. -SPEND-A-HOLIC IN VENTURA, CALIF.


Dear VERY EMPTY WOMAN,

A friend once suggested I freeze my credit cards in a block of ice to curb my spending. Normally, that would work, but knowing your hopeless situation (and lack of will power) you would just end up putting the frozen cards in your purse and then your purse would get all wet and you’d look even more empty than before because before you were the lady that can’t stop spending money but now you’re the lady that can’t stop spending money and that is inexplicably dripping water everywhere.

What I’m trying to say is don’t freeze your credit cards. Hope that helps!

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DEAR ABBY,

I love your column. Unfortunately, it appears on the same page as the comics and Sudoku puzzle in our newspaper. Every morning my boyfriend drinks a cup of coffee and then disappears into the bathroom for a good 15 minutes -- even longer on weekends -- with your section of the paper. Half the time I never get it back, and if I do it's never in fresh, crisp condition.


Dear WOMAN I HOPE TO GOD I NEVER MEET IN PERSON,

Thanks for telling us that not only is the average time it takes for your boyfriend to take a dump is 15 minutes, but also thank you for telling us it takes him longer to dump on weekends.

Were you even asking for help? I can't tell. There was no question and you didn't even leave a stupid pseudonym like "spend-a-holic in Ventura, Calif." I don't want to seem like a dick, but I'm pretty sure you don't know how this works.