How do I look cool whilst riding a moped?

You are in a transportation conundrum. While yes, you could walk to your destination, or take a bus, or even take one of the many luxurious cars you own, nothing compares to the excitement of riding your personal motor scooter. Not only are these scooters cost-conscience in this crazy world of high gas prices, they are like fun little motorcycles which you can comfortably drive on roads and sidewalks. There is nothing stopping you from driving one... until you actually see one.

And even that is manageable... until you see someone riding one.

Between the man, the scooter, the lightpost, and trees: which one of these is afraid of growing up?

It's the pinnacle of personal transportation, but yet no manufacturer has found a way to make the moped look drivable whilst keeping your dignity. I have scrounged up some strategies in order to salvage your shriveled manhood.

Scarves
While you might think that scarves would only further the stereotype that you have been dealt a shit hand in life, scarves actually make you come off as the adventurous type. This is something that young women will take note of while you lock your scooter up on the bike racks alongside other people who also think your scooter looks cool. Chances are, these people are mostly 12 year-olds. Even though the opinions of 12 year-olds shouldn't matter to you, eventually the 12-year olds will grow up to be 18 year-olds who can buy cigarettes. Think about it.

Blast music
As Aerosmith once told me during one of our many coke parties last week, music is a weapon, and there is no reason you shouldn't use it against your naysayers while you are crusin'. Use your scooter's speakers, or, better yet, attach a boom box to your scooter using the latest in bungee cords and soldering technology. Then, blast music that no one can misconstrue as lame. Make sure the bass is especially high at red lights, so when people look around to see what car the cool guy is driving, they only see your scooter. Minds will be blown.

Be smooth
While you are on the scooter, just pretend like you are having the most fun of your life. This may include drinking, and while I feel strange for encouraging such wreckless behavior, go for it. Become the life of your own party. The fact of the matter is that people get hit by cars all the time. If you were to ever hit someone on your scooter while partying, I imagine your vehicular manslaughter sentence would be shortened significantly, due to the judge and jury's awed silence.

Biker
By riding a scooter, you share an overlap with all the baddest bikers through the Venn diagram of two-wheeled motor transport. Use this to your advantage by going leather clad. Jackets, vests, chaps, you name it. All of them will set you apart from not looking like your typical scooter rider. If you complete your look, the desired results should look like this:

One stop shopping! You can just buy the entire outfit on the cheap from leather stores and costumes shops. Just ask for the costume of the leather enthusiast of Village People fame.