How do I perform magic tricks?

Magicianry and magical performance has wowed audiences since the Stone Age, where early magicians were just merely retarded members of a tribe that others would throw rocks at for hours of entertainment. Since then, magicians have come a long way. No longer relying on being born with an extra chromosome, the magic entertainment scene, or magitainment, or magiment, has flourished as man (specifically recently divorced and lonely man) fell in love with the sleight of hand. Some people view it as a respectable career. Others haven't taken the time to give a shit. Regardless, here are some impressive tricks one can learn in order to further their career in failure.

Thumb pulling so it seems like you tore your thumb off but you really don't
My uncle Jim pulled this one on me for years, and it wasn't until recently I realized his secret: He had his thumb blown off in 'Nam. You should do that to. I really don't know any other way to go about it.

Occupational switcheroo
If you are a magician and you meet someone, it is important to hide most facets of your life. By making your sadness vanish into thin air, you can give the illusion that you have a life that is worth living. You can say you are anything else but a magician and get along fine, but you must make sure you are a convincing liar. Also, do not use magic tricks to impress onlookers, despite how much you like your chances, your tricks will always fail to impress. Your tricks are best put to use at parties and bar scenes. Word of wise: if you're doing a trick at a bar or party make sure it employs the use of a glass of water. It'll make swallowing your pride easier.

Appearing to be content with life at a child's birthday party
You really need this money. That newspaper ad will finally pay itself off with this performance, and you'll be back in the black, financially speaking. But now you're getting back on your feet and sticking to your guns in the first time in forever. Man, Beth wouldn't know what to think. That is, if she even bothered to pick up the phone or drop off the kids herself and not send Rick to do it. God, how did things get like this? It seemed like a week ago you were getting married, and now it's... it's nothing. Just whatever you do, don't cry during your show. You really need this money.

Also, wear shin gaurds. Kids kick.